Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Compton"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
18 total reviews
Comment from sharon fallis
Oh my goodness!! What excitement. Sure hope my heart can stand up to all of it. Wow! What good reading this is. You're a regular Mick spleen here. Hugs....Sharon
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
  |
Oh my goodness!! What excitement. Sure hope my heart can stand up to all of it. Wow! What good reading this is. You're a regular Mick spleen here. Hugs....Sharon
Comment Written 09-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2008
-
LOL! Mick spleen! You know, this one and the next chapter were such fun to write. I can't wait til you get there!
Hugs, Sharon, and much love,
Gayle
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Whew, Countess! Yup. They're in it deep. Good flow, nice dialogue and tension. Damn it, I'll have to get to bed soon, next chatper may have to wait...
Okay, here are my suggestions:
He hit forty as he sped away and by the time he saw the Jag, he'd almost passed the girls who pointed frantically at a lane that appeared out of nowhere. - there was a lot of action packed in this sentence, making it hard to follow. Maybe break it up and draw it out just a tad for clarity and absorbtion
backed down the lane (to the street) and vanished around the turn - omit part in paren
The signal indicated that what started out to be a potential run in the woods had turned into work -tighten
A light ridge of fur rose along the length of his spine as he - His hackles rose as he strode...
passed them (as it headed for the road). - omit part in paren
We don't know whether Andy, or Candace for that matter, was in that car. They could still be up there - We don't know who was in that car. Andy and Candace could still be up there.
not sure what they'd find. - telling and obvious, I'd drop
woodland critters played in the leaves - be specific, paint the scene, squirrels, chipmunks,rabbits?
a light wind sang through - breeze whispered through
for (any signs of )movement - drop ( )
Tony bounded up the steps and sat at Jim's feet, indicating that nothing going on in back required attention. One thing they knew, they were alone. No ambush would catch them unawares. - tighten, clarify and watch the telling
partitioned by furniture to separate - redundant, tighten
on the wall - could drop this, I felt like all that stuff was on the wall! You also seemed to rush this, you could stop and paint just a tad more, is it dark? smell like woodsmoke? are the rooms poshy or cheap - give us a feel for the kidnappers' class - not much just a hint?
closed doors revealed - can closed doors reveal?
Jim and Lenny scooted - did they scoot or get in the truck and it scooted?
Modest cars with lots of miles replaced the pricey cars of the PCH. A little scratch here or dent there wouldn't be noticed.
- simplify - The quality of vehicles changed too. Scratched and dented high-mileage compacts replaced shiny new luxury cars.
Taggers defaced overpasses - this kinda came out of nowhere, maybe frame the description or expand it a bit?
The laugh, high and harsh, sounded more like an eerie shriek - simplify and be clear, who laughed?
and drove into a warehouse - drop this second use of drove
Good job! Mostly tightening and such. Nothin' too serious! So what the heck do they get into on Compton?!?!? Damned cliffhanger...
Luv ya!
Duch'
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2008
|
Whew, Countess! Yup. They're in it deep. Good flow, nice dialogue and tension. Damn it, I'll have to get to bed soon, next chatper may have to wait...
Okay, here are my suggestions:
He hit forty as he sped away and by the time he saw the Jag, he'd almost passed the girls who pointed frantically at a lane that appeared out of nowhere. - there was a lot of action packed in this sentence, making it hard to follow. Maybe break it up and draw it out just a tad for clarity and absorbtion
backed down the lane (to the street) and vanished around the turn - omit part in paren
The signal indicated that what started out to be a potential run in the woods had turned into work -tighten
A light ridge of fur rose along the length of his spine as he - His hackles rose as he strode...
passed them (as it headed for the road). - omit part in paren
We don't know whether Andy, or Candace for that matter, was in that car. They could still be up there - We don't know who was in that car. Andy and Candace could still be up there.
not sure what they'd find. - telling and obvious, I'd drop
woodland critters played in the leaves - be specific, paint the scene, squirrels, chipmunks,rabbits?
a light wind sang through - breeze whispered through
for (any signs of )movement - drop ( )
Tony bounded up the steps and sat at Jim's feet, indicating that nothing going on in back required attention. One thing they knew, they were alone. No ambush would catch them unawares. - tighten, clarify and watch the telling
partitioned by furniture to separate - redundant, tighten
on the wall - could drop this, I felt like all that stuff was on the wall! You also seemed to rush this, you could stop and paint just a tad more, is it dark? smell like woodsmoke? are the rooms poshy or cheap - give us a feel for the kidnappers' class - not much just a hint?
closed doors revealed - can closed doors reveal?
Jim and Lenny scooted - did they scoot or get in the truck and it scooted?
Modest cars with lots of miles replaced the pricey cars of the PCH. A little scratch here or dent there wouldn't be noticed.
- simplify - The quality of vehicles changed too. Scratched and dented high-mileage compacts replaced shiny new luxury cars.
Taggers defaced overpasses - this kinda came out of nowhere, maybe frame the description or expand it a bit?
The laugh, high and harsh, sounded more like an eerie shriek - simplify and be clear, who laughed?
and drove into a warehouse - drop this second use of drove
Good job! Mostly tightening and such. Nothin' too serious! So what the heck do they get into on Compton?!?!? Damned cliffhanger...
Luv ya!
Duch'
Comment Written 31-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2008
-
OMG! Duch! What a fab review. Man, I'll look into them all, but I especially liked the...scratched and dented high-mileage compacts...very cool.
Truth to tell, I was charging through this. It was coming to me as I wrote, not a word or warning, no inkling that I'd better pay attention...nothing. Just BANG! Off we go! My characters do that to me, take over the whole danged story!
Thanks on bended knee::curtsies::Duch. I've pasted this all out and will set to work!
Hugs,
Cali Countess
Comment from Allezw2
Lady Gayle,
Almost, 'TAG, You're it!' time.
Guns, gumshoes, dogs and dames, what a combination.
Well, it's moving right along.
Compton, BARS on all of the windows and no grass in the front yards.
Sniffing the ending?
Wayne
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2008
|
Lady Gayle,
Almost, 'TAG, You're it!' time.
Guns, gumshoes, dogs and dames, what a combination.
Well, it's moving right along.
Compton, BARS on all of the windows and no grass in the front yards.
Sniffing the ending?
Wayne
Comment Written 30-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2008
-
Hey Wayne,
Whoa, you're reading right along. I prefer to do it that way except the bucks are all gone!
Yeah, we're winding down but there is still quite a way to go.
Thanks for the great comments,
Gayle
-
Just catchin' up.
Comment from Sylvia Page
The chase is still on. Moving fast. You say that the story is at it's end. I could not find anything faulty and must tell you that I enjoyed this story very much.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
|
The chase is still on. Moving fast. You say that the story is at it's end. I could not find anything faulty and must tell you that I enjoyed this story very much.
Sylvia
Comment Written 28-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
-
Yeah, we're about maybe 5/6 chapters out...probably more here on the site, cause I try to keep the chapters to about 1000 words. I hate lengthy stuff on the monitor.
So don't worry, we still have a ways to go. Thanks so much for the comments and your continued reading of my stuff.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Another well-written piece of literature, Gayle. Very well done, with the narratiion and dialogue, combined with the always-good-to-see .... ACTION! keeps our eyes glued to the pages.
One tiny nit for your consideration, please:
-pointed frantically at a lane that appeared out of nowhere ( ... at a lane appearing out of nowhere.')
YOu go girl! YOu're on a roll!!
Hugs, my southern lass.
David xx
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
|
Another well-written piece of literature, Gayle. Very well done, with the narratiion and dialogue, combined with the always-good-to-see .... ACTION! keeps our eyes glued to the pages.
One tiny nit for your consideration, please:
-pointed frantically at a lane that appeared out of nowhere ( ... at a lane appearing out of nowhere.')
YOu go girl! YOu're on a roll!!
Hugs, my southern lass.
David xx
Comment Written 28-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
-
Hey David,
Yes, "appearing" is much better. Thanks for the eagle eye and your great comments, and loyalty mean so much to me.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
This was a very exciting chapter. I'm sure glad those girls has the Dobie with them. I have enjoyed this a lot, I like the dogs, and the characters.
Good luck.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
|
This was a very exciting chapter. I'm sure glad those girls has the Dobie with them. I have enjoyed this a lot, I like the dogs, and the characters.
Good luck.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 27-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
-
Hi Jane,
So glad you're enjoying this one. I had a ball writing it and the next one is even better! Hang on!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
You are already coming near the end? That was fast. Only thing I saw was our little friend. EE
porch and peered in the lace-draped windows, unable to get a clear picture of the room.
Tony bounded up the steps and sat (Skip a line after room)
like dirt off a shoe, maybe?"
He pointed at the smudges and shrugged. (Bring together)
hugs
book
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
|
You are already coming near the end? That was fast. Only thing I saw was our little friend. EE
porch and peered in the lace-draped windows, unable to get a clear picture of the room.
Tony bounded up the steps and sat (Skip a line after room)
like dirt off a shoe, maybe?"
He pointed at the smudges and shrugged. (Bring together)
hugs
book
Comment Written 27-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
-
Hey Heidi,
Eddie got me in a couple of places. I tried to fix it but it won't work. The ms is correct, thro.
Are you staying dry out there? Dear me, that's a ton of rain.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.
Despite the author's warning, I'll take a chance and read it in the hope I'm not too shocked, LOL
'hit forty' - Blimey I used to go faster than that in my milkfloat, mind you, I'm a 'boy racer'.
I may have this wrong but if Lenny drove in behind Ella, was there enough room for her to drive out?
'"Damn, no signal. They'll pick him up when he passes.' - good added suspense!
Clever to describe the hideout as open plan so it didn't take our heroes ages to search.
Excellent research to give so much description of the roads and contrasting areas so we could visualise and believe the environments.
You know I'm no expert, having read nothing, so don't get carried away with my praise. For what it's worth, it's genuine and again, I found this an excellent chapter.
Wonder if Tom will have any further involvement. You know what I mean, I know he's an ex-Tom, but I guess there must be more to him or was he just a red herring, I wonder.
Keep it up, Gayle.
Best wishes, Ray xx
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
|
Hi, Gayle.
Despite the author's warning, I'll take a chance and read it in the hope I'm not too shocked, LOL
'hit forty' - Blimey I used to go faster than that in my milkfloat, mind you, I'm a 'boy racer'.
I may have this wrong but if Lenny drove in behind Ella, was there enough room for her to drive out?
'"Damn, no signal. They'll pick him up when he passes.' - good added suspense!
Clever to describe the hideout as open plan so it didn't take our heroes ages to search.
Excellent research to give so much description of the roads and contrasting areas so we could visualise and believe the environments.
You know I'm no expert, having read nothing, so don't get carried away with my praise. For what it's worth, it's genuine and again, I found this an excellent chapter.
Wonder if Tom will have any further involvement. You know what I mean, I know he's an ex-Tom, but I guess there must be more to him or was he just a red herring, I wonder.
Keep it up, Gayle.
Best wishes, Ray xx
Comment Written 27-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
-
Hey Ray,
Poor Tom is gone but not forgotten, huh?
I love your reviews, always, and this is no exception. Thank you so much for the comments and your loyal support. It means more than you know.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
The detectives on the move again, Gayle? The word "shit" was repeated a lot, Gayle And for" night settled in", try maybe a more indirect way of putting that. just suggestions. the impact you use to end chapters was not found this time.The plot and the chracters , the movement and the suspense was worth a six star, though. Maybe your next chapter could steal a six star from stingy Stephy..
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
|
The detectives on the move again, Gayle? The word "shit" was repeated a lot, Gayle And for" night settled in", try maybe a more indirect way of putting that. just suggestions. the impact you use to end chapters was not found this time.The plot and the chracters , the movement and the suspense was worth a six star, though. Maybe your next chapter could steal a six star from stingy Stephy..
Comment Written 27-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
-
Hey Girl, you're not stingy!
I'm trying to find the least offensive words to use in these tight situations and since I won't take the Lord's name in vain, it narrows the choices. I'm sorry, but I can't make the dialogue sound realistic without! No offense meant, m'dear.
Thanks so much for the almost sixer and maybe next time I can deserve it!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Buctar
Showtime:
Good to read your work again. It's been awhile. This was a good read. I enjoyed it.
I have a few observations/recommendations. see what you think.
No ambush would catch them unaware(s). (I think you want to drop the S.)
Just then his cell rang. ("Just then" is fluff and not like most of your tight writing. To keep the tension, I would drop it. The call rang. You could add some tension by adding something like: the unexpected sound caused him to jump.)[?There are a lot of words that are used ALMOST unconsciously, PRACTICALLY scattering them throughout out texts, THEN, SUDDENLY discovering later that removing them makes no difference to the text.? Page 228 The Complete Guide to Editing Your Fiction by Michael Seidman) [The all cap words are ones to be avoided])
"Okay, we're on the way," Jim said, making a twirling motion (I would drop the tag line "said and go with something like: "Okay, we're on the way." Jim made a twirling motion )
Terry had the steering wheel in a death grip as she stared from side to side. "Oh, God, tell Lenny to hurry up."
Terry had the steering wheel in a death grip as she stared from side to side. "Oh, God, tell Lenny to hurry up." (This is a POV switch. We've been in Jim's head and we go back to him a few paragraphs later.)
I got the address as 756 Condon.("As" is awkward for me. I'd try something like: I got the address--7... 5 ... 6 Condon. [Like she was reading the number off.])
A good read.
Bill
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
|
Showtime:
Good to read your work again. It's been awhile. This was a good read. I enjoyed it.
I have a few observations/recommendations. see what you think.
No ambush would catch them unaware(s). (I think you want to drop the S.)
Just then his cell rang. ("Just then" is fluff and not like most of your tight writing. To keep the tension, I would drop it. The call rang. You could add some tension by adding something like: the unexpected sound caused him to jump.)[?There are a lot of words that are used ALMOST unconsciously, PRACTICALLY scattering them throughout out texts, THEN, SUDDENLY discovering later that removing them makes no difference to the text.? Page 228 The Complete Guide to Editing Your Fiction by Michael Seidman) [The all cap words are ones to be avoided])
"Okay, we're on the way," Jim said, making a twirling motion (I would drop the tag line "said and go with something like: "Okay, we're on the way." Jim made a twirling motion )
Terry had the steering wheel in a death grip as she stared from side to side. "Oh, God, tell Lenny to hurry up."
Terry had the steering wheel in a death grip as she stared from side to side. "Oh, God, tell Lenny to hurry up." (This is a POV switch. We've been in Jim's head and we go back to him a few paragraphs later.)
I got the address as 756 Condon.("As" is awkward for me. I'd try something like: I got the address--7... 5 ... 6 Condon. [Like she was reading the number off.])
A good read.
Bill
Comment Written 27-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2008
-
Hey Bill,
Always so good to see you again and I so appreciate the time you took! Okay, you are so right about "suddenly, et al" and I hate when I do that! It's cheap writing and I know better. Will fix.
Will lose the tag as well. Now, does that sentence put us in Terry's pov? I just figured I was advancing the story with dialogue. Should I say something like..."Ella watched Terry grip the steering wheel....?" POV is my nemesis!
Hey, stop by again soon, I obviously need your assistance!
Hugs,
Gayle