The Maiden of the Dying Love
A Traditional Ballad9 total reviews
Comment from Debi Pick Marquette
Wow, just had to check you out, and so glad I did. This was amazing. I love ballads anyway, but this had such poetic and romantic beauty that I already had the melody in my head. It was lovely with the refrains and the sad story that unfolded as you enlightened us with your wonderful talent. I love the mixed meter that you used also. Someday I must get brave enough to try one.
Thanks for showing us what you got. I am impressed, my friend. Debi
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2024
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Wow, just had to check you out, and so glad I did. This was amazing. I love ballads anyway, but this had such poetic and romantic beauty that I already had the melody in my head. It was lovely with the refrains and the sad story that unfolded as you enlightened us with your wonderful talent. I love the mixed meter that you used also. Someday I must get brave enough to try one.
Thanks for showing us what you got. I am impressed, my friend. Debi
Comment Written 08-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2024
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Thank you, Debi! I'm so glad you stopped by!
Comment from gansach
This is an excellent entry for the Write a Song competition. It has that lilting folk song rhythm that tells a sad tale of lost love, sea goddesses, tragic death too young. I like the prologue which sets the scene. It has rich language that paints a descriptive picture. Wonderful piece! Well done!
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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This is an excellent entry for the Write a Song competition. It has that lilting folk song rhythm that tells a sad tale of lost love, sea goddesses, tragic death too young. I like the prologue which sets the scene. It has rich language that paints a descriptive picture. Wonderful piece! Well done!
Comment Written 07-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Thank you taking the time to read my ballad, and thank you for your kind words and granting it one of your limited Six-Star ratings. I'm really glad you liked it! Nice to meet you!
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I love the introduction that you've given us before the song - setting the scene first is so smart. And I love the reference to greasy rags down linen blouses:-)
And a tragic tale, indeed. You say a ballad is a light, simple song, but you've given us a heavy, complex story here.
Patrick, you are quite the talent. I'm so glad you came to FanStory, and I'm so glad that I found you here.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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I love the introduction that you've given us before the song - setting the scene first is so smart. And I love the reference to greasy rags down linen blouses:-)
And a tragic tale, indeed. You say a ballad is a light, simple song, but you've given us a heavy, complex story here.
Patrick, you are quite the talent. I'm so glad you came to FanStory, and I'm so glad that I found you here.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 07-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Hi Pam! Thank you for reading the ballad and for taking time to share your thoughts. I also truly appreciate your kind words concerning my work. Like all artists, that validation is very important and makes one feel awesome. I love it here! What, five days? I am looking forward to many hundreds more with you fine people. Oh, you brought up the little blurb I had put in the author's note, and after more consideration, it wasn't a very good definition. I found a much more accurate and thorough one to add. Talk to you again soon!
Patrick
Comment from Ric Myworld
Reading rhymes, whether it be songs or poetry, they all have a certain melody, even before we hear the musical accompaniment. I wish I had another star to reward you properly. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Reading rhymes, whether it be songs or poetry, they all have a certain melody, even before we hear the musical accompaniment. I wish I had another star to reward you properly. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Thank you, Ric! I'm making my way over to your work soon!
Comment from karenina
Your poetic range and voice are breaths of fresh air here on FanStory! To compose a Ballad is ambitious enough...to present it with such imagery and poignancy ~ with a complex juxtaposition of Thetis and Gabrielle is par excellence'
Excellent lead-in to set the "stage" for the ballad about to unfold!
Three cheers for your choruses! I hope the committee sits up and takes notice of this fine entry, Patrick!
Karenina
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Your poetic range and voice are breaths of fresh air here on FanStory! To compose a Ballad is ambitious enough...to present it with such imagery and poignancy ~ with a complex juxtaposition of Thetis and Gabrielle is par excellence'
Excellent lead-in to set the "stage" for the ballad about to unfold!
Three cheers for your choruses! I hope the committee sits up and takes notice of this fine entry, Patrick!
Karenina
Comment Written 06-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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This made my day, Karenina! Thank you for your wonderful words!
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Thank you for classing up the joint!
This is very impressive! Unpack please.
You are most welcomed here!
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
My God. You are over here writing the most intricate, beautiful ballads and I am writing about dogs climbing trees!! I must re-evaluate my life choices immediately LOL Seriously, this was just fantastic and your talent has shown from the first piece I read. Keep 'em coming!
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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My God. You are over here writing the most intricate, beautiful ballads and I am writing about dogs climbing trees!! I must re-evaluate my life choices immediately LOL Seriously, this was just fantastic and your talent has shown from the first piece I read. Keep 'em coming!
Comment Written 06-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Nonsense, Marilyn! (Although when I read your statement, I quite literally laughed out loud.) The good thing about the world is that it is wonderfully populated by so many people in a beautiful variety. The expression of your art should satisfy you, first. Anyway, thank you so much for reading my work and being my fan!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
What a captivating song! Your use of dramatic language reallly immersed me into this tragic tale. I particularly loved how you showed the story through the bard's perspective. I could feel the desperation and longing of Gabrielle. Well done!
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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What a captivating song! Your use of dramatic language reallly immersed me into this tragic tale. I particularly loved how you showed the story through the bard's perspective. I could feel the desperation and longing of Gabrielle. Well done!
Comment Written 06-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Thanks Michael! I am happy you decided to stop by my portfolio again!
Comment from SimianSavant
Good stuff. This is the first entry I have seen so far that lends itself well to an actual song. Effective use of storytelling framed with phonetic flow, rhythm and rhyme. There is a strong balance between smooth and contrasted lines, and lots of salt in the mouth from the sibilance.
lust and power <= I would avoid ending a line on "power" as it lacks clarity/volume, and you're proceeding the P with a D from AND, which robs POWER of phonetic projection. Just swap the two words (with power and lust) and you'll get a boost on both words from the tongue having to maneuver less.
on wave crests now must ride. <= stick with "crest". STS is too much work for the tongue to do at the end of a single word, and may sacrifice clarity.
Any number of musical settings will work well with your rhyme, so if you or someone else sets it, don't settle for one that doesn't bring the same level of effort to the game that your lyrics do. Thanks for the read,
🦍
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Good stuff. This is the first entry I have seen so far that lends itself well to an actual song. Effective use of storytelling framed with phonetic flow, rhythm and rhyme. There is a strong balance between smooth and contrasted lines, and lots of salt in the mouth from the sibilance.
lust and power <= I would avoid ending a line on "power" as it lacks clarity/volume, and you're proceeding the P with a D from AND, which robs POWER of phonetic projection. Just swap the two words (with power and lust) and you'll get a boost on both words from the tongue having to maneuver less.
on wave crests now must ride. <= stick with "crest". STS is too much work for the tongue to do at the end of a single word, and may sacrifice clarity.
Any number of musical settings will work well with your rhyme, so if you or someone else sets it, don't settle for one that doesn't bring the same level of effort to the game that your lyrics do. Thanks for the read,
🦍
Comment Written 06-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Thank you for this awesome review and for one of your limited Exceptional ratings! I have immediately taken on board the switching of "power" and "lust. I am still puzzling over "crest," though, because I have to add an extra syllable for an "a." I will think more on that, because your point about it is certainly more than valid.
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Are we referring to the same spot? I'm looking at the last line:
>> the maiden of the dying love on wave crests now must ride. <<
So I was confused what you mean by: >> I have to add an extra syllable for an "a." <<
and was also wondering if you intend "crests" to be spoken as two syllables rather than one? If not, that last line has 14 syllables, same as the other last stanza lines which are all similar to it in structure. 🦍
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Hello again Simian! Okay, I have worked on it and think I have improved upon your original suggestion about the vocal restriction in the last line with the word "crests." I also removed the word "power" altogether in the other part you advised and replaced it with "fame." Thanks again for helping me fine-tune! (absolutely NO pun intended there!).
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Both excellent changes! 🦍
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Your entry deserved more than the three votes it got. All I can say is, a lot of the voters are pretty dumb.
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Hello! Well, I have been here for a week, and it is clear to me how the contests work. 😂 Oh well, I don't dwell in cynicism. If it wasn't the need for member dollars, I would care one way of the other. But thanks a lot for voicing your opinion about it. It means a lot! 😊
Patrick
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Yeah I get all of my member bucks from reviewing. It's a slow and painful way to do it. Some others basically copy and paste reviews, and rack up those points quickly. Or others spend real money on here. If I really valued my time properly, I suppose I would do that too. 🦍
Comment from Begin Again
Good morning! You certainly know how to write a romantic poem (or should I say tragic tale) and pull the reader into the moment. Thank heavens I am not a poet in any sense or fashion, because I would have to hang my head in shame after reading your ballad. What a story you tell! It's awesome and worthy of a six that I don't have.... Welcome again and please, please keep up the good work!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2024
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Good morning! You certainly know how to write a romantic poem (or should I say tragic tale) and pull the reader into the moment. Thank heavens I am not a poet in any sense or fashion, because I would have to hang my head in shame after reading your ballad. What a story you tell! It's awesome and worthy of a six that I don't have.... Welcome again and please, please keep up the good work!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment Written 06-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2024
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Hi Carol! Thank you so much for visiting my portfolio! I'm so glad you liked my ballad.
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thank you again for making my birthday celebration such a memorable one.
Cheers to friends!
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I'm getting around to replying to your reply! I am working at the moment, but you will hear from me again later on that (those?)
