Lovelock Caves
A short story that begins with, We find the caves.2 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Interesting. Not sure what time this story takes place, given the professor's attitude.
notes:
Grant gives Grant a quick glance.
-edit
Grant is highly {intellect} in his course of studies,
- Grant is highly intelligent in his course of studies,
Other legends say these giants are the direct descendants of fallen angels that was cast out into the earth as punishment for the rebellion war in heaven.
-Other legends say these giants are the direct descendants of fallen angels that were cast out onto the Earth as punishment for their rebellion in Heaven.
"Shouldn't {be} go to court and fight this legally."
-"Shouldn't we go to court and fight this legally."
"They are true," the professor replies stopping right were he stands.
-"They are true," the professor replies stopping in place.
They both head toward the entry to of the Lovelock Cave.
-They both head toward the entry of the Lovelock Cave.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2024
  |
Interesting. Not sure what time this story takes place, given the professor's attitude.
notes:
Grant gives Grant a quick glance.
-edit
Grant is highly {intellect} in his course of studies,
- Grant is highly intelligent in his course of studies,
Other legends say these giants are the direct descendants of fallen angels that was cast out into the earth as punishment for the rebellion war in heaven.
-Other legends say these giants are the direct descendants of fallen angels that were cast out onto the Earth as punishment for their rebellion in Heaven.
"Shouldn't {be} go to court and fight this legally."
-"Shouldn't we go to court and fight this legally."
"They are true," the professor replies stopping right were he stands.
-"They are true," the professor replies stopping in place.
They both head toward the entry to of the Lovelock Cave.
-They both head toward the entry of the Lovelock Cave.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2024
-
Thank you so much
Comment from Patty Mazzurco
Good luck in contest.Your entry captures a lot of intriguing elements and sets up an exciting story. The tension between Professor Waya and Grant adds depth and character. The details about the Lovelock Cave and its significance to Professor Waya's tribe create a strong sense of place and urgency.
Some grammar, consistency and punctuation errors throughout. Some examples below.
"Never touch snakeskin with your bare heads." should be "Never touch snakeskin with your bare hands."
"Grant gives Grant a quick do over." This seems to be a mistake and should be revised for clarity.
"... to find these caves and discover the truth" should be "... to find these caves and discover the truth."
"Professor Waya has a strong connection to the lands of his ancestors, he will do anything to protect the past, present, and the future of his people against greedy heart of the white man." This should be "... he will do anything to protect the past, present, and future of his people against the greedy heart of the white man."
"... fight this legally" should be "... fight this legally."
"The legal system is for the white man only," Professor grumbles as he walks closer to the entry of the cave. "When it comes to Native American tribes, nobody cares about that just the land and resources they can find to make money." should be "... nobody cares about that, just the land and resources they can find to make money."
The dialogue sometimes feels a bit disjointed. For instance, Grant's "Why?" could be more integrated with the context, and Professor Waya's explanations might flow better if they were slightly streamlined.
The description of Grant is detailed, but it might be clearer if it was integrated more smoothly into the narrative rather than as separate information.
Adjust punctuation for better readability. For example, "Professor Waya shouts out startling Grant" could be "Professor Waya shouts out, startling Grant."
Some parts could use more context or clarification. For instance, the significance of Grant's background and his relationship to Professor Waya might be better highlighted earlier to avoid feeling like additional information later.
The phrase "snakeskin" and its importance are repeated a few times. Consider consolidating this information to avoid redundancy.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2024
|
Good luck in contest.Your entry captures a lot of intriguing elements and sets up an exciting story. The tension between Professor Waya and Grant adds depth and character. The details about the Lovelock Cave and its significance to Professor Waya's tribe create a strong sense of place and urgency.
Some grammar, consistency and punctuation errors throughout. Some examples below.
"Never touch snakeskin with your bare heads." should be "Never touch snakeskin with your bare hands."
"Grant gives Grant a quick do over." This seems to be a mistake and should be revised for clarity.
"... to find these caves and discover the truth" should be "... to find these caves and discover the truth."
"Professor Waya has a strong connection to the lands of his ancestors, he will do anything to protect the past, present, and the future of his people against greedy heart of the white man." This should be "... he will do anything to protect the past, present, and future of his people against the greedy heart of the white man."
"... fight this legally" should be "... fight this legally."
"The legal system is for the white man only," Professor grumbles as he walks closer to the entry of the cave. "When it comes to Native American tribes, nobody cares about that just the land and resources they can find to make money." should be "... nobody cares about that, just the land and resources they can find to make money."
The dialogue sometimes feels a bit disjointed. For instance, Grant's "Why?" could be more integrated with the context, and Professor Waya's explanations might flow better if they were slightly streamlined.
The description of Grant is detailed, but it might be clearer if it was integrated more smoothly into the narrative rather than as separate information.
Adjust punctuation for better readability. For example, "Professor Waya shouts out startling Grant" could be "Professor Waya shouts out, startling Grant."
Some parts could use more context or clarification. For instance, the significance of Grant's background and his relationship to Professor Waya might be better highlighted earlier to avoid feeling like additional information later.
The phrase "snakeskin" and its importance are repeated a few times. Consider consolidating this information to avoid redundancy.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2024
-
Thank you so much!