Alleyway To Love.
Co-incidence has a lot to do with love.16 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
She doesn't want to go on the date, but she does
She knows it might rain, she does nothing to protect herself
She knows not to go in the alley, but she goes
He wants the date but he ditches her
He invited her to eat at a cafe for the date but later says he can only afford macdonalds
She is a numbskull and he is a liar Karen
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reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
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She doesn't want to go on the date, but she does
She knows it might rain, she does nothing to protect herself
She knows not to go in the alley, but she goes
He wants the date but he ditches her
He invited her to eat at a cafe for the date but later says he can only afford macdonalds
She is a numbskull and he is a liar Karen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2024
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Well, I see you really did not go with the story. No worries. It is not the first love story between a numbskull and a liar. Thanks for the review. Cheers
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This is true. I have a built in "make me lose it" button that activates whenever guys start lying.My last husband permanently activated it. Karen
Comment from papa55mike
It's funny how you can never deny love. It will seek you out and find you no matter where you are. What a wonderfully written story. Best of luck with your writing!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2024
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It's funny how you can never deny love. It will seek you out and find you no matter where you are. What a wonderfully written story. Best of luck with your writing!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 13-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2024
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Mike,
Thanks for your review. Glad you enjoyed the read. Yes, love does seek you out, that is for sure. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Paul McFarland
That's a really good story, Barry. You should have saved it for a contest. I'll bet that there are a number of relationships that have started out that way.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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That's a really good story, Barry. You should have saved it for a contest. I'll bet that there are a number of relationships that have started out that way.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Thanks Paul. Glad you enjoyed it. Yes, perhaps many relationships do start out that way. Co-incidence plays a big part in a lot of our lives. I am tending not to aim for contests anymore. Just write as it comes to me. Although, I am aiming at a few competitions outside of this site. See how I go. Hope you are well.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I'm a sucker for romance and this short story was filled that addiction. Thank you for sharing it with us. Please keep an eye on writing dialogue.
As she bent down, a voice questioned her.
"Would you like some help? You certainly had some stuff in there" (comma after 'her,' and move the dialogue closer to her.)
She reluctantly replied.
"Actually, I am late for a date" (replied, & move dialogue closer and through out the post.)
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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I'm a sucker for romance and this short story was filled that addiction. Thank you for sharing it with us. Please keep an eye on writing dialogue.
As she bent down, a voice questioned her.
"Would you like some help? You certainly had some stuff in there" (comma after 'her,' and move the dialogue closer to her.)
She reluctantly replied.
"Actually, I am late for a date" (replied, & move dialogue closer and through out the post.)
Comment Written 12-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Barbara,
Thanks for your review and your helpful comments. I will make those amendments as you suggest. So, a sucker for romance. Nothing wrong in that and I will see if I can get a few more romance stories out there.
Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry
Comment from Patty Mazzurco
Your scene has a charming and humorous vibe, but here are a few tweaks to enhance it.just some thoughts and ideas... The opening exclamation feels a bit abrupt; adding more context or emotion could help set the scene better. For instance, instead of just "Bugger it," you might start with Tina muttering her frustration while inspecting her broken nail and realizing she still has a fifteen-minute walk ahead of her.
When Tina's thinking about the date, you could blend her anxiety more smoothly into her decision to take the alleyway. Perhaps something like, "Despite their Zoom chats, she wasn't sure there was a spark, but she decided to give it one more shot."
The rain and Tina's makeshift umbrella are vividly described, but you might streamline it for clarity. Instead of saying, "Rain, which hadn't been forecasted, suddenly drenched her," you could just mention that the rain had caught her off guard and turned her handbag into an ineffective umbrella.
The dialogue with the hooded man could benefit from more tension. Make sure Tina's responses reflect her anxiety realistically. When he approaches, let Tina's nervousness come through in her words and actions.
The moment when Tina recognizes Tim could use a bit more emphasis to make it clear and impactful. When Tim removes his hood, ensure Tina's reaction is strong and conveys her surprise and relief.
Finally, the ending is warm and amusing, but you might want to refine the tone to maintain the humor. Instead of "Seems as though I have found one hell of a big spender," you might say, "Well, if McDonald's is the best we can do, I'm game. Lead on, Mr. Tim."
Overall, the scene is delightful with a great twist, and a bit of polishing can make the humor and connection between the characters even stronger.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Your scene has a charming and humorous vibe, but here are a few tweaks to enhance it.just some thoughts and ideas... The opening exclamation feels a bit abrupt; adding more context or emotion could help set the scene better. For instance, instead of just "Bugger it," you might start with Tina muttering her frustration while inspecting her broken nail and realizing she still has a fifteen-minute walk ahead of her.
When Tina's thinking about the date, you could blend her anxiety more smoothly into her decision to take the alleyway. Perhaps something like, "Despite their Zoom chats, she wasn't sure there was a spark, but she decided to give it one more shot."
The rain and Tina's makeshift umbrella are vividly described, but you might streamline it for clarity. Instead of saying, "Rain, which hadn't been forecasted, suddenly drenched her," you could just mention that the rain had caught her off guard and turned her handbag into an ineffective umbrella.
The dialogue with the hooded man could benefit from more tension. Make sure Tina's responses reflect her anxiety realistically. When he approaches, let Tina's nervousness come through in her words and actions.
The moment when Tina recognizes Tim could use a bit more emphasis to make it clear and impactful. When Tim removes his hood, ensure Tina's reaction is strong and conveys her surprise and relief.
Finally, the ending is warm and amusing, but you might want to refine the tone to maintain the humor. Instead of "Seems as though I have found one hell of a big spender," you might say, "Well, if McDonald's is the best we can do, I'm game. Lead on, Mr. Tim."
Overall, the scene is delightful with a great twist, and a bit of polishing can make the humor and connection between the characters even stronger.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Patty,
Thanks so much for your review. I am glad you liked it overall. I also love your feedback and suggestions. Certainly, will consider all of that and I agree it will make it a stronger story.
Thanks and take care.
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an amusing and very sweet romance. A guy chickening out on a date and a girl running late for a date, find each other interesting over the stuff fallen from her purse. That is certainly a new way to meet, especially since they were supposed to meet in the first place. It is a lot like the romances purchased by Women's World for very good money. The only problem is they have a word length shorter than you have used. They actually advertise for stories in the magazine. You might check into that.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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This is an amusing and very sweet romance. A guy chickening out on a date and a girl running late for a date, find each other interesting over the stuff fallen from her purse. That is certainly a new way to meet, especially since they were supposed to meet in the first place. It is a lot like the romances purchased by Women's World for very good money. The only problem is they have a word length shorter than you have used. They actually advertise for stories in the magazine. You might check into that.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Carol,
Thanks for your very kind comments. I am glad you enjoyed the story. I will search out the Women's World site. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This is a great setting and scenario. It lets the readers know some thing's going to happen Hopefully good: "She reached frantically into her handbag, searching for her key alarm. That should attract somebody. At that moment, and without warning, the handbag strap broke. Contents spilled everywhere." this had some great coincidences.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2024
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This is a great setting and scenario. It lets the readers know some thing's going to happen Hopefully good: "She reached frantically into her handbag, searching for her key alarm. That should attract somebody. At that moment, and without warning, the handbag strap broke. Contents spilled everywhere." this had some great coincidences.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2024
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Liz,
Thanks for your review. Glad you enjoyed the read. Co-incidence does play a big role in our lives.
Take care and have a wonderful life.
Cheers
Barry Penfold
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Thank you
Comment from Sharon Elwell
You have a good, relatable concept here. There are a few little things to consider. I hope you meant what you said about getting ideas about improvement.
There were two phrases I didn't understand: "...Allow me to shout." Did he mean he was too poor to go anywhere but McDonald's? But that wasn't his reason for running from the date. I was confused.
"Guess I have done my dash." I didn't have any idea what that means.
"I'm late now, so I have time..." seems like a contradiction without an "anyway" after the "now."
"Your Tim." should be "You're Tim." Those are small things and easy to fix. You have an engaging, readable story, which is the important thing.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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You have a good, relatable concept here. There are a few little things to consider. I hope you meant what you said about getting ideas about improvement.
There were two phrases I didn't understand: "...Allow me to shout." Did he mean he was too poor to go anywhere but McDonald's? But that wasn't his reason for running from the date. I was confused.
"Guess I have done my dash." I didn't have any idea what that means.
"I'm late now, so I have time..." seems like a contradiction without an "anyway" after the "now."
"Your Tim." should be "You're Tim." Those are small things and easy to fix. You have an engaging, readable story, which is the important thing.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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Sharon,
Thanks so much for your review. Also thanks for your suggestions as to improvement etc.
"Guess I have done my dash" is an Aussie saying meaning that he has come to the end of his chance to woo Tina.
"Allow me to shout" means allow me to pay.
I agree with the addition of "anyway" and "You're Tim"
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
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Good to learn about, Barry! I'll be watching for your next work.
Comment from LJbutterfly
I enjoyed the development of this short story that smoothly flowed to a predictable, but satisfying ending. Had Tina left home in time to reach her destination in time, she would have missed Tim, who was in the alley way. This is a humorous, feel good story.
One word to correct: "Oh, my god. Your Tim, my date..." (you're Tim)
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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I enjoyed the development of this short story that smoothly flowed to a predictable, but satisfying ending. Had Tina left home in time to reach her destination in time, she would have missed Tim, who was in the alley way. This is a humorous, feel good story.
One word to correct: "Oh, my god. Your Tim, my date..." (you're Tim)
Comment Written 10-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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Thanks for your review. Glad you enjoyed the read. Also thanks for pointing out the need for a correction. Take care and have a great day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold
Comment from Begin Again
One never knows where true love will plant it's feet .... alleyway or restaurant or somewhere entirely different. It's a cute story. Meeting by chance and finding yourself interested, might have more promise then being set up. One never knows. Good story!
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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One never knows where true love will plant it's feet .... alleyway or restaurant or somewhere entirely different. It's a cute story. Meeting by chance and finding yourself interested, might have more promise then being set up. One never knows. Good story!
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 10-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2024
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Carol,
Thanks for your review. I am glad you enjoyed the read. You just never know when you will meet the right one. Take care and have a great day.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
