The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Chronicles Of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
10 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Undressing a woman with one's eyes sounds like the perfect tool, but it won't do much to fight against encroaching enemies with swords. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
  |
Undressing a woman with one's eyes sounds like the perfect tool, but it won't do much to fight against encroaching enemies with swords. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
-
Thank you very much.
Comment from Judy Lawless
I have usually avoided fantasy stories, but I'm finding a few on here that have captured my attention, since I can start pretty much at the beginning. This is one. It's very well written and enticing. I love the characterizations, and action.
I have one suggestion. I know these chapters are divided at the length you'd make them in a published novel, but on FanStory, because we can't easily put them down and pick them up where we leave off, it might be better to break them down into shorter chapters, just for here.
reply by the author on 24-May-2021
|
I have usually avoided fantasy stories, but I'm finding a few on here that have captured my attention, since I can start pretty much at the beginning. This is one. It's very well written and enticing. I love the characterizations, and action.
I have one suggestion. I know these chapters are divided at the length you'd make them in a published novel, but on FanStory, because we can't easily put them down and pick them up where we leave off, it might be better to break them down into shorter chapters, just for here.
Comment Written 24-May-2021
reply by the author on 24-May-2021
-
I know, you're right and quite a few say that but it cost a whole lot of member dollars to post these chapters, and to cut each one in half is a lot more reading and member dollar-buying. I've been reading all morning and is up to $30 member dollars. To put all of that to half a chapter is heart-wrenching...lol Also, I'm reading long chapters and long poems, and it doesn't bother me. But I'll think about cutting chapter 5 in half. Oh, and thank you for your review. I really appreciate it.
-
I understand your frustrations with earning the member dollars. I keep tweaking my method. I find that if I can earn enough bonus pumps, I use them to boost my own instead of buying more. That helps.
Comment from padumachitta
Gangus. This is your main character seems a little shallow...his motivation could be a bit more complicated...me thinks. Gangus either needs more free will...or be driven by the will of others and a blind faith to folow..but I think he is too clever to be a follower...
However, so saying all this...I enjoyed the stroy..
reply by the author on 23-May-2021
|
Gangus. This is your main character seems a little shallow...his motivation could be a bit more complicated...me thinks. Gangus either needs more free will...or be driven by the will of others and a blind faith to folow..but I think he is too clever to be a follower...
However, so saying all this...I enjoyed the stroy..
Comment Written 23-May-2021
reply by the author on 23-May-2021
-
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. There's a lot more to Gangus. Stay tuned.
-
👍
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
This is a very involved story, with many characters, but of course, I missed the first two chapters, and I'm completely unfamiliar with the game you mentioned in your Notes.
Here are some suggested revisions:
In one of the servant's cabins, Rhia stood braiding her sister Lucia's hair. "A few more days and nights and Skatts Island will be ours," she said excitedly "I can't wait for my feet to touch land," Lucia said.
-->
In one of the servant's cabins, Rhia stood braiding her sister Lucia's hair. "A few more days and nights and Skatts Island will be ours," Rhia said excitedly.
"I can't wait for my feet to touch land," Lucia answered. [that's if two women are speaking, instead of one; it's difficult to determine]
"Either get out of the way or help us," he said running up the stairs with a sword in his hand.
-->
"Either get out of the way or help us," he said, running up the stairs with a sword in his hand.
The ship had been rammed, and the mates from the enemy ship had jumped onto Orroh's ship, and a battle had begun.
-->
The ship had been rammed, the mates from the enemy ship had jumped onto Orroh's ship, and a battle had begun.
"I'll go and find my father," he yelled ...
-->
"I'll go and find my father!" he yelled ...
Dinary's sword clanked against his several times,
-->
Dinary's sword clanked against his several times;
Dinary lunged forward running the man through.
-->
Dinary lunged forward, running the man through.
"Then you'll need this." Dinary handed Gangus his sword then brushed by him,
-->
"Then you'll need this," Dinary handed Gangus his sword, then brushed by him,
I mean, Father all you had to say was that you didn't want to fight.
-->
I mean, Father, all you had to say was that you didn't want to fight.
"Ha ha," Gangus uttered ...
-->
"Ha ha," Gangus uttered, ...
"I have good news, my husband?" Brehira smile.
-->
"I have good news, my husband." Brehira smiled.
The days flew by, and not too soon for Brehira and the women.
-->
The days flew by, and not too soon for Brehira and the other women.
They pulled into Port Raven at Skatts Island days behind schedule due to the damages to the ship.
-->
They pulled into Port Raven at Skatts Island days behind schedule, due to the damages to the ship.
The captain gasped and smiled then the men parted.
-->
The captain gasped and smiled; then the men parted.
***
There's a lot of action in this chapter, which is very well written.
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
|
This is a very involved story, with many characters, but of course, I missed the first two chapters, and I'm completely unfamiliar with the game you mentioned in your Notes.
Here are some suggested revisions:
In one of the servant's cabins, Rhia stood braiding her sister Lucia's hair. "A few more days and nights and Skatts Island will be ours," she said excitedly "I can't wait for my feet to touch land," Lucia said.
-->
In one of the servant's cabins, Rhia stood braiding her sister Lucia's hair. "A few more days and nights and Skatts Island will be ours," Rhia said excitedly.
"I can't wait for my feet to touch land," Lucia answered. [that's if two women are speaking, instead of one; it's difficult to determine]
"Either get out of the way or help us," he said running up the stairs with a sword in his hand.
-->
"Either get out of the way or help us," he said, running up the stairs with a sword in his hand.
The ship had been rammed, and the mates from the enemy ship had jumped onto Orroh's ship, and a battle had begun.
-->
The ship had been rammed, the mates from the enemy ship had jumped onto Orroh's ship, and a battle had begun.
"I'll go and find my father," he yelled ...
-->
"I'll go and find my father!" he yelled ...
Dinary's sword clanked against his several times,
-->
Dinary's sword clanked against his several times;
Dinary lunged forward running the man through.
-->
Dinary lunged forward, running the man through.
"Then you'll need this." Dinary handed Gangus his sword then brushed by him,
-->
"Then you'll need this," Dinary handed Gangus his sword, then brushed by him,
I mean, Father all you had to say was that you didn't want to fight.
-->
I mean, Father, all you had to say was that you didn't want to fight.
"Ha ha," Gangus uttered ...
-->
"Ha ha," Gangus uttered, ...
"I have good news, my husband?" Brehira smile.
-->
"I have good news, my husband." Brehira smiled.
The days flew by, and not too soon for Brehira and the women.
-->
The days flew by, and not too soon for Brehira and the other women.
They pulled into Port Raven at Skatts Island days behind schedule due to the damages to the ship.
-->
They pulled into Port Raven at Skatts Island days behind schedule, due to the damages to the ship.
The captain gasped and smiled then the men parted.
-->
The captain gasped and smiled; then the men parted.
***
There's a lot of action in this chapter, which is very well written.
Comment Written 22-May-2021
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
-
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I will attend to your suggested corrections shortly.
-
You're very welcome, Amahra. May God bless you. - Mary Kay
Comment from Sherry Asbury
I know nothing of roleplaying games, but know a good tale when I read one. I look at everything from an editor's eye - as I did that freelance for years...your script is clean and my only suggestion is a bit more meat in the introduction of the characters. I look forward to reading more!Q
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
|
I know nothing of roleplaying games, but know a good tale when I read one. I look at everything from an editor's eye - as I did that freelance for years...your script is clean and my only suggestion is a bit more meat in the introduction of the characters. I look forward to reading more!Q
Comment Written 22-May-2021
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
-
LOL! So, you're Q? Just kidding. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my work. I will go back shortly and put more meat on my Into bones.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
I love the consistent sense of adventure in this chapter. Your characters go from one challenge to another, while keeping a sense of camaraderie and humor.
The conversation flows with ease and moves the story along.
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
|
I love the consistent sense of adventure in this chapter. Your characters go from one challenge to another, while keeping a sense of camaraderie and humor.
The conversation flows with ease and moves the story along.
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 22-May-2021
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
-
Thank you, Rhonda. I really appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
-
It was great! I love the summary at the bottom. It was very helpful!!
Comment from elchupakabra
Alright here's where I'm at after three chapters;
1. This entire story would be much better told in the present tense. Too often you have action or dialogue happening where you're using and/but a lot of the time as well compounding the issue further which is that your story though long in word count often feels rushed. In this chapter you even have a character's name appear after he's already performed an action, 'He stood, tightening the blanket around his shoulders, and followed the man whose name was Khomo.' Like at this point it's irrelevant if his name is Khomo, Joemo, Slowmo - doesn't matter because it's a throwaway line. This is part of a larger issue within the writing where you need to step back and ask yourself - why does this name matter, why is what the character is doing here really matter to the crux of my story, if I remove this detail does it change my story greatly or nah, etc etc etc - At the very least, present tense could cover up a lot of this because then everything is happening right now - Gangbang follows the man. The man's name is Khomo. Khomo leads him to the kitchen, kicking at the defiant and oversized rats defending the pantry floor. Whatever.
2. My other big issue is with your main character, Gangus. This is your main protagonist and I'm just super confused by his motivations and actions, he's ultimately separating and risking his family because 'the Gods told him to' which I mean fine that's a classic motivation but it's superficial and makes the main character seem dumb no matter how tactical he may be during the rest of his story, like basically a crazy blind man told him to jump and he said 'How high?' - Also, what time period is this happening in? Gangus is an Olive skinned buccaneer who speaks like a medieval knight of the round table at times, it seems a bit jumbled and creates a surface character wherein I'm failing to relate on a deeper level as a reader. Something to work on.
Writing a whole novel is extremely difficult so I wish you the best of luck on this difficult journey. I think you're definitely on the right track, so keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing and later daze.
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
|
Alright here's where I'm at after three chapters;
1. This entire story would be much better told in the present tense. Too often you have action or dialogue happening where you're using and/but a lot of the time as well compounding the issue further which is that your story though long in word count often feels rushed. In this chapter you even have a character's name appear after he's already performed an action, 'He stood, tightening the blanket around his shoulders, and followed the man whose name was Khomo.' Like at this point it's irrelevant if his name is Khomo, Joemo, Slowmo - doesn't matter because it's a throwaway line. This is part of a larger issue within the writing where you need to step back and ask yourself - why does this name matter, why is what the character is doing here really matter to the crux of my story, if I remove this detail does it change my story greatly or nah, etc etc etc - At the very least, present tense could cover up a lot of this because then everything is happening right now - Gangbang follows the man. The man's name is Khomo. Khomo leads him to the kitchen, kicking at the defiant and oversized rats defending the pantry floor. Whatever.
2. My other big issue is with your main character, Gangus. This is your main protagonist and I'm just super confused by his motivations and actions, he's ultimately separating and risking his family because 'the Gods told him to' which I mean fine that's a classic motivation but it's superficial and makes the main character seem dumb no matter how tactical he may be during the rest of his story, like basically a crazy blind man told him to jump and he said 'How high?' - Also, what time period is this happening in? Gangus is an Olive skinned buccaneer who speaks like a medieval knight of the round table at times, it seems a bit jumbled and creates a surface character wherein I'm failing to relate on a deeper level as a reader. Something to work on.
Writing a whole novel is extremely difficult so I wish you the best of luck on this difficult journey. I think you're definitely on the right track, so keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing and later daze.
Comment Written 21-May-2021
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and review all three chapters.
Comment from royowen
Captain Orroh and his men are attacked by a marauding ship, but manage to overcome the attack along with the marauders. and the whole thing although Gangus missed it by being unconscious. The captain thanks him for his men's help, noting they were more than farmers, Lord Abram gives him an emerald got him trouble. Well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 21-May-2021
|
Captain Orroh and his men are attacked by a marauding ship, but manage to overcome the attack along with the marauders. and the whole thing although Gangus missed it by being unconscious. The captain thanks him for his men's help, noting they were more than farmers, Lord Abram gives him an emerald got him trouble. Well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 21-May-2021
reply by the author on 21-May-2021
-
Thank you for the review Roy. Really appreciate it.
-
Most welcome
Comment from Jay Squires
I believe I complimented you before on your splendid writing style. Your pace and timing are impeccable. I made a few notes as I read along:
before they all scurried into an oval hole. [Minor consideration, but for accuracy, it should probably be called a half-oval hole.]
"Well, honey it "is" a ship full of men." [consider italics instead of having "is" set off with quote marks, especially since you already use them for the dialogue. If you still prefer the quote marks, I'd suggest single quotes.]
He pulled her to him. "There is honor among many Volarian men. [This entire paragraph is a fine example dialogue blended seamlessly with description.]
You never mentioned they had other skills. " Orroh said with a slight smirk. [A comma, not a period, before the closed quote.]
He turned back to Pennypod. "All right, we accept your price." Gangus took the silver and placed them in his coin pouch. Next on Tedor's list was the name of the landlord. Gangus needed to rent several cottages--all furnished. Brehira and the women went shopping for food and clothes for themselves and the men. After a few hours, everyone settled in for the evening. [You beautifully covered so much ground in this short paragraph. Great work!]
reply by the author on 21-May-2021
|
I believe I complimented you before on your splendid writing style. Your pace and timing are impeccable. I made a few notes as I read along:
before they all scurried into an oval hole. [Minor consideration, but for accuracy, it should probably be called a half-oval hole.]
"Well, honey it "is" a ship full of men." [consider italics instead of having "is" set off with quote marks, especially since you already use them for the dialogue. If you still prefer the quote marks, I'd suggest single quotes.]
He pulled her to him. "There is honor among many Volarian men. [This entire paragraph is a fine example dialogue blended seamlessly with description.]
You never mentioned they had other skills. " Orroh said with a slight smirk. [A comma, not a period, before the closed quote.]
He turned back to Pennypod. "All right, we accept your price." Gangus took the silver and placed them in his coin pouch. Next on Tedor's list was the name of the landlord. Gangus needed to rent several cottages--all furnished. Brehira and the women went shopping for food and clothes for themselves and the men. After a few hours, everyone settled in for the evening. [You beautifully covered so much ground in this short paragraph. Great work!]
Comment Written 21-May-2021
reply by the author on 21-May-2021
-
Thanks, Jay for your review. I edited this thing until my eyes were crossed and still missed stuff. lol
-
Don't we all. But the editing and tightening that you did do reveal this as a cut or five above the others. Your skill is professional level.
-
Ah, thanks, Jay I appreciate that.
Comment from Bonnie Seach
An interesting story. Nicely written.
It will prove advantageous to proofread. We don't always spot our own errors.
Helpful suggestion:
>where she'd hid them.
Change to:
>where she'd hidden them
>Or: "where she hid them"
Thank you for sharing. Kindest regards and success to you
reply by the author on 21-May-2021
|
An interesting story. Nicely written.
It will prove advantageous to proofread. We don't always spot our own errors.
Helpful suggestion:
>where she'd hid them.
Change to:
>where she'd hidden them
>Or: "where she hid them"
Thank you for sharing. Kindest regards and success to you
Comment Written 21-May-2021
reply by the author on 21-May-2021
-
And thank you for reviewing and catching the error; I will correct it shortly.
-
All the best