That tiresome, trite, all-purpose, no-to-romance patronizer. We Can Be Friends. Eminently suitable for both befores and afters. Boy-meets-girl brush-off: We Can Be Friends. Boy-dumps-girl brush-off: We Can Be Friends. 

Really? My short and simple answer—learned the long, hard way—is NO. Not really. It’s a trick question: Can We Be Friends? I’ve been subjected to several relationship tests that sneaked in this supposed no-brainer. The first couple of times I confidently checked YES. All-too-soon thereafter I learned I’d been wrong. 

I’ve since wised up. Not only do I mark the NO box but I also red-scrawl beside it in reiteration: NO. Followed by a short essay of explanation with examples. To wit:

A. After it ends: Can We Be Friends? NO. If once-upon-a-magic-time WE were IN-LOVE now POOF! it’s gone, why bother trying to conjure a pallid pseudo-friendship? “We” are no more. One-plus-one does not make two. There is no more you-and-I. No hyphenation, no conjunction. You… ... …I. Who will eventually graduate from public glare-fests as Masters in the Arts of Conspicuous Non-acknowledgment. Who post-Masters might muster a wave from across-a-crowded-room once hard feelings have softened. Who may even manage a mutual face-to-face wishing-well. Who might even actually mean it. After which, reversion to the status quo: out-of-sight-out-of-mind-ness.  

Does NO to Can We Be Friends stand even if the romance ended mutually and amicably, rather than by sucker-punch? (Yup! Undying friendship drops dead soon as the vowed-to-remain-eternally find new partners who will 1) consume their interest and 2) quash friendly aspirations directed elsewhere.)

B. Before it begins: Can We Be Friends? NO. Mix one-wannabe-IN-LOVE with one-wannabe-buddy and POOF! Behold a spiced-up stew of simmering resentment. Keep stirring with that magic wand, and POOF! Turns toxic friendship. Which POOF!  boils over and both of you get burned.

For extra credit I will extrapolate my response to Can We Be Friends? as it applies to present or potential platonic relationships without hidden romantic agendas. Since it is tautological to ask a friend Can We Be Friends? I will qualify friend. Assume a close friend, and that the intensity of the friendship had faded.

The answer here depends. Unlike a one-and-only, all-or-nothing, in-your-face romance, friendships can subtly downshift with neither party acknowledging—or even noticing—the lower gear. In that case Can We Be Friends? YES, to whatever lesser degree that may be. When one un-friendly, cowardly Caspar goes “ghost” of course, then NO. The puzzled other wondering why the disappearing act? will eventually sniff out the gaslight and snuff out the smoldering friendship.

On the optimistic side: Let’s talk about potentials. Platonics-in-Waiting. Can We Be Friends? Fortunately, we often can. Unlike would-be—but rarely-will-be—IN-LOVE-Forevers, the bar to a successful friendship lies low. After all, friends don’t need to manage how to live reasonably compatibly ever after by first off agreeing upon which religion, or not, to raise three kids in,  two of whom are special in the needy way, the other insufferably obnoxious, and—surprise!—you both get laid off inside of a week, and so are now at each other’s throats 24/7, screaming YOU scrub the toilet, you pig, which becomes moot when the pipes burst, and for Chrissake! now this dump is inundated not only with filthy water, but worse, with all YOUR junk…