| Humor Fiction posted February 18, 2020 |
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Landscaping by default
Going Green
by Elizabeth Emerald
The grass is always greener, so say my envious neighbors. Indeed. Behold the verdant grounds of #38, Dead-End Dexter Road. “Emerald Estates” surely boasts the greenest lawn—and finest garden—in town. Greenest in both senses; literally, and in that there is nary a toxic chemical toward its nurture. And not a weed to be found!
If this sounds too good to be true, I assure you it is. Meaning, yes—it is too good to be true. Like a wily lawyer on the lookout for loopholes, I had to research long and hard so as to thoroughly mislead you without resorting to outright lies. To that end, I cherry-picked definitions that would support my use of the botanical terms—lawn, garden, weed—in the statement above.
To wit (as they say in legalese):
I. LAWN
…Common characteristics of a lawn are that it is composed only of grass species…subject to weed and pest control… to practices aimed at maintaining its green color (e.g., watering), and it is regularly mowed to ensure an acceptable length...although these characteristics are not binding as a definition. [emphasis added]
In many suburban areas, there are bylaws in place requiring houses to have lawns and requiring the proper maintenance of these lawns. [Fortunately not in Melrose, Massachusetts.]
In some jurisdictions where there are water shortages, local government authorities are encouraging alternatives to lawns to reduce water use.
[Lawyer/Client Emerald hereby claims extra “green” credits for use of alternative ground cover and refraining from watering entirely.]
[Addendum: Extra extra green credit accrues for refraining from use of poisonous pesticides and fertilizers toward the non-maintenance of aforementioned lawn and (Zen) garden. (see below)]
II.GARDEN
A garden is a planned space…plants of different heights, colors, textures, and fragrances to create interest and delight the senses.…Some traditional types of eastern gardens, such as Zen gardens, use plants sparsely or not at all. [emphasis added]
III.WEED
A weed is a plant considered undesirable in a particular situation, "a plant in the wrong place".
Taxonomically, the term "weed" has no botanical significance, because a plant that is a weed in one context is not a weed when growing in a situation where it is in fact wanted. [emphasis added] [e.g. in a lawn such as the spawn of Emerald Estates: i.e. one comprised solely of the species Digitaria sanguinalis (aka crabgrass); additionally, all manner of opportunistic vegetation fortuitously intermingled with same.]
The grass is always greener, so say my envious neighbors. Indeed. Behold the verdant grounds of #38, Dead-End Dexter Road. “Emerald Estates” surely boasts the greenest lawn—and finest garden—in town. Greenest in both senses; literally, and in that there is nary a toxic chemical toward its nurture. And not a weed to be found!
If this sounds too good to be true, I assure you it is. Meaning, yes—it is too good to be true. Like a wily lawyer on the lookout for loopholes, I had to research long and hard so as to thoroughly mislead you without resorting to outright lies. To that end, I cherry-picked definitions that would support my use of the botanical terms—lawn, garden, weed—in the statement above.
To wit (as they say in legalese):
I. LAWN
…Common characteristics of a lawn are that it is composed only of grass species…subject to weed and pest control… to practices aimed at maintaining its green color (e.g., watering), and it is regularly mowed to ensure an acceptable length...although these characteristics are not binding as a definition. [emphasis added]
In many suburban areas, there are bylaws in place requiring houses to have lawns and requiring the proper maintenance of these lawns. [Fortunately not in Melrose, Massachusetts.]
In some jurisdictions where there are water shortages, local government authorities are encouraging alternatives to lawns to reduce water use.
[Lawyer/Client Emerald hereby claims extra “green” credits for use of alternative ground cover and refraining from watering entirely.]
[Addendum: Extra extra green credit accrues for refraining from use of poisonous pesticides and fertilizers toward the non-maintenance of aforementioned lawn and (Zen) garden. (see below)]
II.GARDEN
A garden is a planned space…plants of different heights, colors, textures, and fragrances to create interest and delight the senses.…Some traditional types of eastern gardens, such as Zen gardens, use plants sparsely or not at all. [emphasis added]
III.WEED
A weed is a plant considered undesirable in a particular situation, "a plant in the wrong place".
Taxonomically, the term "weed" has no botanical significance, because a plant that is a weed in one context is not a weed when growing in a situation where it is in fact wanted. [emphasis added] [e.g. in a lawn such as the spawn of Emerald Estates: i.e. one comprised solely of the species Digitaria sanguinalis (aka crabgrass); additionally, all manner of opportunistic vegetation fortuitously intermingled with same.]
If this sounds too good to be true, I assure you it is. Meaning, yes—it is too good to be true. Like a wily lawyer on the lookout for loopholes, I had to research long and hard so as to thoroughly mislead you without resorting to outright lies. To that end, I cherry-picked definitions that would support my use of the botanical terms—lawn, garden, weed—in the statement above.
To wit (as they say in legalese):
I. LAWN
…Common characteristics of a lawn are that it is composed only of grass species…subject to weed and pest control… to practices aimed at maintaining its green color (e.g., watering), and it is regularly mowed to ensure an acceptable length...although these characteristics are not binding as a definition. [emphasis added]
In many suburban areas, there are bylaws in place requiring houses to have lawns and requiring the proper maintenance of these lawns. [Fortunately not in Melrose, Massachusetts.]
In some jurisdictions where there are water shortages, local government authorities are encouraging alternatives to lawns to reduce water use.
[Lawyer/Client Emerald hereby claims extra “green” credits for use of alternative ground cover and refraining from watering entirely.]
[Addendum: Extra extra green credit accrues for refraining from use of poisonous pesticides and fertilizers toward the non-maintenance of aforementioned lawn and (Zen) garden. (see below)]
II.GARDEN
A garden is a planned space…plants of different heights, colors, textures, and fragrances to create interest and delight the senses.…Some traditional types of eastern gardens, such as Zen gardens, use plants sparsely or not at all. [emphasis added]
III.WEED
A weed is a plant considered undesirable in a particular situation, "a plant in the wrong place".
Taxonomically, the term "weed" has no botanical significance, because a plant that is a weed in one context is not a weed when growing in a situation where it is in fact wanted. [emphasis added] [e.g. in a lawn such as the spawn of Emerald Estates: i.e. one comprised solely of the species Digitaria sanguinalis (aka crabgrass); additionally, all manner of opportunistic vegetation fortuitously intermingled with same.]
 Recognized |
Thanks to Joelgraphuchin for artwork: Green Floral Fractal
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawn
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garden
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weed
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawn
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garden
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weed
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