I don't mean the object that hit Isaac Newton on the head or the fruit that Eve tempted Adam with (which, by the way, he stupidly took a bite of). I am referring to the brainchild of the infamous Steve Jobs; none other than good old Apple Corporation ("Apple").

Listen up all you technocrats, I have just marched directly into your Silicon Valley tabernacle and blatantly blasphemed the "Holy Grail" of today's technology, aka Apple. It is certain I will now be sucked into the grid, like Tron, to do battle with CLU, the malevolent program that dominates the digital world, as my punishment. However, my disparaging remarks are well founded and I stand by them.

Thanks to the savvy and ever so slick marketing strategies of the Apple folks (they really know how to peddle their products), I am up to my derriere in all things Apple. From the iPhone 5S to the latest iPod Nano, and to add insult to injury, I also own a MacBook Pro. Collectively, these devices, having established a firm beachhead in my world, proceeded to ply their cheeky brand of superiority to my daily life.

The iPhone dares to edit my text messages and emails at will. I find it overtly rewords my well-organized thoughts and arbitrarily changes key words and phrases to suit its fancy.

The iPod Nano is definitely possessed, as it randomly changes my music while I am running, and a mysterious female voice chimes in periodically, right in the middle of a song, to inform me of the name of the song, as well as the artist I am currently listening to. Of course, I am already apprised of this information, because I was the one who initially created the playlist.

Last, but certainly not least, is the purely evil MacBook Pro. This device whimsically tosses my writings into a black hole and then proceeds to quit reading my USB drive for no apparent reason. It is extremely conspiratorial by nature, so I am constantly confronted with new and disturbing issues.

I can't stress enough the extreme apoplexy these technical aberrations have caused me . The air encircling me is positively blue with fury, and the expletives tumbling from my mouth would make a merchant seaman blush. (Talk about losing one's religion!). My Irish DNA screams at me to abandon ship, find the nearest pub, and drown my frustrations with several pints, followed by more than a few shots of good old Irish whiskey. It cautions me not to stop until I am having in-depth conversations with the 'Little People', you may know them as leprechauns. For my psyche to suggest that I take to drink is a sure sign I am cracking up, as I am not one to imbibe.

I will preface the following statements by saying I know it is wrong to speak ill of the dearly departed. However, I am convinced Steve Jobs was, not only an evil genius, but also a supreme sociopath. In his contemptuous world, 'up' was 'down' and 'left' was 'right'. He thumbed his nose at the establishment and marched to the beat of his own drum. This would not be an altogether bad trait, if it weren't for the fact that he expected the rest of us to follow him in lockstep, without providing the sheet music to the tune playing in his head.

It is my humble opinion that the intense allure of all Apple products can be attributed to a combination of massive ad saturation campaigns (to the point of brainwashing the public), and the sleek, shiny showroom appeal of Apple's devices. Who among us can resist the highly polished chrome casings and all the colorful options, not to mention the cleverly understated Apple logo? Together these ingeniously disguised "Merpeople" beckon us to our doom! They whisper seductively in our ear and command us to buy them. They stroke our egos and tell us, when we purchase them, we will become part of the sophisticated "in" crowd.

Well folks, I admit to falling under the magical spell for a brief time, but, ultimately, I found it to be overblown hype. You see, when it comes to technology, I am about as sophisticated as a clown in big shoes and baggy pants. I am positive I don't use even one-tenth of the bells and whistles purported to be included on these apparatuses. For example, I learned early on that "Siri" is a condescending 'bitch' (Sorry I just call them like I see them). She delights in responding to my queries with the haughty air of British royalty. If I didn't know that she exists only in the virtual world, I could easily see her sporting white gloves, carrying a handbag and wearing a frumpy hat. I didn't plop down my hard earned greenbacks for an overpriced phone, only to have it patronize me.

I realize this little mini rant of mine will offend those of you who are tech savvy to the max and, thereby, ardent 'cult' followers of the Steve Jobs "Apple Zombies". But this head of steam has been building up inside of me for quite some time now, and I had to vent to keep from exploding.

This means I will be banned forever from all Genius Bars and will hence forth be known as "she who shall not be named." (Lord Voldemort has nothing on me).

Perhaps one day I will find a way to coexist with these hellish machines, but for now I remain their hostage. Which brings me to my message in a bottle, set adrift on the Dead Sea. Could someone please pay my ransom so I can regain my freedom? Even old Pharaoh, of ancient Egypt fame, eventually freed the people of Israel. The fact that he did not provide them with GPS assistance, causing them to wander aimlessly in the desert for years, is completely beside the point.

Personally, I am all for returning to the quill pen. The simple act of plucking a feather from a goose's ass, dipping it in ink, and scrawling words on a page has great appeal to me these days. After all, if it was good enough for Shakespeare, who am I to mess with success?