Dear Erica

Dear Erica;

While everybody is busy trying to cure the likes of you and I, imagining every flaw relating to the abuse we suffered, we wind up having to work twice as hard at being human, earning our place in the sun.

Maybe we should never have told, kept it wrapped up inside. At the very least we wouldn't have to spend all those years patronizing the responsible adults, the ones who were commissioned to protect us. We knew that, didn't we? And, when we told, we knew we could count on comfort and understanding; didn't we? Well maybe you, not I.

Telling didn't change what happened, but then we got punished twice. The second time around hurts more than the first. This time we are hurting someone else. We wanted the secret to go away, be purified by understanding and compassion. Instead we got a cloud of guilt and damn if it doesn't rain every day.

We're not fools. We know that certain events trigger addictions and destructive behaviour, but there's always a genetic link to that coping method. And, it's not as if we are stuck in that place, but at times it has served us well, eliminating our conscious mind, giving us a rest from all the crap, the fall-out from events that had nothing to do with us.

And let's be real. Sometimes the aftermath, the reaction, is more damaging than the memory. Hey, I know, when it's happening it's horrifying, but when it's in the past, then let it be...let it go. Because if you can't, how the hell can you expect us to give up our coping methods? Man, people keep throwing it back at us, expecting us to relive the crap. We both know it isn't fair. If we describe every detail, do you think the memory will be erased? Crazy nut bars. We blocked the emotional attachment because we want to survive. Sometimes it feels like everybody just wants us to go back to that dark space so that they can suffer along with us; the degradation, humiliation and dominance and the horrific details so that they can share the blame.

Not on my dime. Not in my lifetime. We have a right to let our past fade and I'm sure you feel the same way.

Your Mama reacted to an essay I posted on line and this post is entirely dedicated to the two of you. We only get to fix ourselves and minimize damage to those we have been gifted to love. My advice to your Mama is to go out and fix herself, and my advice to you is to love without shame, guilt or remorse. Annabelle is without blame or shame and should be loved, not burdened with regrets.

Women, sincerely, do the best you can, one breath at a time.

ingrid