My Desk

I cuddle with “Scout,” my stuffed animal, as I struggle with my mental health challenges, dealing with anxiety, and all the other trappings of life.

When you are pushing 70 years old, with a variety of physical health issues, it becomes increasingly hard to cope, and do it well.

I don’t like going to my desk. It reminds me of all the obligations I have to tackle. Yet, tackle them I do. Serious things, like re-certification papers, and work time sheets for my caregivers.

I’m proud to say I’ve done all this work. I’ve even sent in my ballot, voting ahead of schedule knowing I will make a difference.

For some reason, my desk also reminds me of the friends I’ve left behind. Online friends from the past. I used to spend so much time chatting away with friends I knew very well. Then, just like that, they would drop me like a hot potato. I still don’t understand why it happened. Ah well, them's the breaks.

I feel sad these days, and I don’t know why. If I knew why, maybe I could brighten up my mood. One thing on my mind is: My caregiver, Grace is leaving me and it hurts badly. She gave me a two-week notice on my door paperclip. We were friends as well as working together.

Life changes. “The only constant in life is change.” This was one of my dad’s favorite sayings when I was a kid. Yeah, but how do I deal with it? I’m still learning after all these years.

Turning to my desk might be an answer. Journaling works wonders when I am distressed or upset. It is cathartic and relieves stress. Maybe I need to sit with the feelings for a while until I slowly get better.

Or maybe, I should step on the gas and get over the past. Start learning from it, and move forward into the present. Stay, enjoy, and revel in it as best as I can.

Everything starts from now. Brooding over split milk doesn’t get me anywhere.

I’ve been walking with the aid of a walker around my room lately. Every time I walk, I feel stronger and more capable of achieving whatever I set my mind to, and that says a lot about my spiritual growth.

One day soon, I will stand and walk across the room with no help at all.

I don’t know how ‘soon’ it will happen, but when it does, I’ll be the happiest guy in the world.