Epiphany

As time passes, I have been able to see into the looking glass that is me, and there are some changes that I have made.  I am now sixty five years old (unbelievable) and I have come to realize that I have been too nice, way to tolerant, and too willing to suffer in silence just to keep the peace.  I am sick of myself, tired of people, and no longer willing to be the nice guy because it doesn't pay well.

 

I can think of too many instances where I was too nice when I had every reason to show up and show out.  There was the time in college when my so called best friend begged me to spend spring break with her, only to put me out of her house before the weeks end and charge me for the electric bill stating that I had overstayed my welcome.  I actually paid her.  She apologized for her weird behavior and I accepted her friendship for another thirty or so years.  I finally woke up and got rid of her despite her constant geetings cards of apologies and 'I miss you'd.'  I am so done with the lies, and the sneaky immature behavior, the two-faced way that she always is. 

 

Another incident happened where my X-husband laid down the law in our home  preventing me from ever going to the NCO club. Having fun was always out of the question when it pertained to me.   HOWEVER, because he is a man, it is apparently okay for him to take one of my messy girlfriends to the same NCO club.  I stayed behind with our kids while he went out with my so-called friend and partied.  When he returned, I remained quiet.  I simply recorded the incident in my journal and added to the list of reasons to divorce his ass.

 

Then there was the conversations I've had with my X-husband (yes, we parted ways) who constantly makes comments that signify that he was the better parent.  These conversations are usually followed by me asking him if he could help out one of the girls financially, or to share a concern I have with him concerning my daughter's saftey (her husband is bi-polar, verbally abusive, and unpredicatable).  By the way, I raised our three girls single-handedly while heran interference from five hours away.  If I said, "No" to the girls, they would call him, and he'd say "yes," and chatise me for saying no.  Recently, when we spoke over the phone, he made comments such as, "I speak to my girls every day" (as if he has more clout than me.). They know they can call me for anything. You're just an outsider looking in."  Those last words haunted me.  This time, I didn't just let him talk.  This time I lit into his ass, repeating what he had just said to me.  (I saw something on instagram that recommended repeating a rude comment that someone makes so that they can hear their own words again.) "Just who the hell do you think you are talking to like that?  You act as if you're the better parent, but you remember one damn thing.  I raised those girls without any help from you, so you watch what you say about me as a parent, you little shit."  I promised him that he would NEVER hear from me again.  And he hasn't.

 

When I was six years old, a twelve year old boy forced me into a hallway and molested me.  When I came out of that hallway, my mother was waiting for me outside with my little sister, my other siblings, and the entire neighborhood of kids that I went to school with.  My mother yelled at me to get my ass home.  She yelled, "what you doin in the hallway with that boy you little slut?"  I said nothing.  Cried all the way  home. She refused to allow me in the house, so I was made to sit in a kitchen chair on the front porch while my mother spoke to her best friend on the phone calling me a slut.  That quiet, stupid, non-defensive behavoir has carried on into adulthood as I allow others to berate me as I say nothing to defend myself.  For example, my so-called best buddy HATES her mother so much that she will pass by her house and not stop to visit her despite the death of her mother's husband, her mother's youngest daughter, and despite the fact that her mother had a heart attack and fell out in the streets.  My so-called buddy didn't attend the funeral of her dad, or her sister just because she cannot stand her mother so much.  She did not make an appearance at the hospital when mom had the heart attack or anything.  It's been seven years since she has laid eyes on her mom.  So, can you imagine how it feels to hear her say to me, "you're just like my mother!"  And she goes on to explain in what ways she believes that I am just like the mother  despite repeatedly being told how hurtful her comments are.  The last time that she did it, I came to realize that I am the fool.  Why is it that I need her to understand why her words hurt me?  Why am I expecting a different behavior when she so freely says it?  I now realize that that is how she feels about me and there is nothing that I can do to change her opinion.  So, I've decided to delete that ridiculous relationship (there are other comments that she repeatedly makes that are as equally insulting), and without another warning she is history.

 

I've come to learn that solitude is a good thing.  Fewer friends is actually a blessing.  I have learned that as I've gotten older, I don't have to keep the peace, or tolerate the bullshit from anyone.   I am loving the new me.