For a summary of what's happened in previous posts, please see author notes.

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28th August 2023

I glance out of the window at the imposing grey building to my left and take in a deep breath. The prison looks so unfriendly, if you were to catch a glimpse of it from the main road it would prompt you to pick up your speed and keep driving; it wouldn’t look out of place on the front cover of a Stephen King novel. I twist the gold ring on my finger, trying not to think of what sort of state my son’s going to be in. Rachel parks the car up. We’ve been silent for most of the journey; it’s taken us just little over an hour to get here, a journey, I’d hoped over the last few months, I’d never have to make. My neck’s beginning to ache. This has to go well.

‘You ready?’ Rachel asks, half-smiling at me. She’s nervous.

I nod and we climb out of the car into the stuffy afternoon air. It’s like airport security when we get inside. The air is stifling, if only I had something to fan myself. Even some of the guards have sweat patches under their arms; it must be unbearable for them working here. We hand several items over to be scanned, and walk through the bleepers, as I’ve always called them. Normally it’s always me who gets them flashing at airports when I pass through; Rachel blames it on all the jewellery I wear, there’s always something I forget to take off. My heart begins to pound. I’m actually going to be seeing Joshua. It’s been a couple of weeks now since the trial. But it’s been even longer since I’ve had a direct conversation with him. When I spoke to him before the trial, his lawyer was always present.

There’s a buzzing noise which makes me jump. Rachel and I both stride through into the visitors area. I’m trying to think of what to say to Joshua, something that won’t make Rachel think I’m still in contact with Lucie. I stare at the grey floor. Come on, you can do this, he’s your son. We sit at a table in a wide plain looking room, with several other sets of tables and chairs. Guards with stern faces patrol the outer perimeter of the room; Rachel gives me a reassuring smile. There’s another buzzing sound and a line of people begin to file through, dressed in the same orange gear. Each person makes their way over to someone sitting at the table. Some have got a couple of visitors, others have just got one. I can imagine there are some inmates who don’t get any visitors at all, particularly the ones who are guilty of whatever it was they did. Then I spot Joshua. My heart seems to stop. He’s standing towards the back of the queue, keeping his head down, hands clasped together in front of him. This is it; this is the moment I’ve been waiting for all week. I try my best to smile as he makes his way over to us; he sits in the chair opposite, my stomach drops.

‘What’s happened to your eye?’ I ask.

There’s a deep purple bruise under his left eye, I want to reach out and examine it properly, but I know if I do, I’ll be shouted at by the prison officers patrolling the room.

‘Oh, don’t worry about it, it’s nothing,’ he says, his voice subdued.

‘It doesn’t look like nothing,’ I say. ‘Who did this to you? Have you been checked out by a doctor?’

‘No one did this to me, Mum,’ he says through gritted teeth. I flinch. ‘I slipped and fell, that’s all.’

God this hasn’t got off to a good start. It’s not worth pressing him on it, he’ll only rebuff me. I can tell he’s lying to me, but there’s no way he’s going to tell me anything more. One of the other inmates has done this to him, he was targeted. My body trembles. ‘How’ve . . . um . . . how’ve you been?’ I say, knowing it’s a stupid question.

He half-laughs. ‘Oh yeah, fine, completely fine.’

‘Joshua, I . . .’

‘I told you not to go to the trial, Mum,’ he says, his voice coming out soft, but I can hear the anger simmering behind it.

‘I know you did, but I, I had to see it for myself. I would’ve driven myself mad otherwise if I hadn’t been there,’ I say, my words tumbling out of my mouth.

He shakes his head. ‘Well, there’s not much we can do about it now, is there? How’s things, Rach?'

‘Oh, um, we’re fine, just about managing, you know.’ My daughter tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

Joshua nods. ‘Of course, of course.’

It’s like he doesn’t want to look me in the eye. I’m his mother for crying out loud. ‘Joshua, I’m so sorry, this isn’t right, you shouldn’t be here.’

‘Why do you say that?’ he says, ice in his voice.

‘Because you’re innocent,’ I hiss.

Beside me Rachel stiffens. I want to ask her what her problem is, but I hold back. If I want to, I can have it out with her in the car, or when we’re back home, not here, not with everyone else listening in. Perhaps there are even journalists disguised as visitors. One of them might've managed to find out we would be visiting today. 

‘Well, the court thought otherwise,’ he says, this time fixing his gaze on me.

‘They were wrong. Look, I . . . we can continue to fight for you outside, but I need you tell me what the police said to you. Did they . . . did they offer you some kind of deal? You told them you did it when they first arrested you, then you retracted that statement. Why?' 

I don’t care that Rachel might be cursing me inside her head. I fix my gaze on Joshua, and focus only on him. Right now, he’s the one who needs my help.

He shrugs. ‘The court found me guilty, Mum, I’m sorry, but they were right to do so.’

My heart begins to thump. I loosen my collar around my neck. ‘Joshua, you don’t know what you’re saying.’

He glares at me. ‘Yes, I do, Mum. Now is this all you came here to talk to me about, or are we going to talk about something else?’

I stiffen and sink back into my seat. I want so badly to grasp hold of his hands and look deep into his eyes, the same blue eyes I used to stare into when I used to sing him a lullaby to get him to go to sleep when he was a baby. Tears prick the corners of my eyes; I resist the urge to cry. He doesn't want my help. It's like he's resigned himself to this fate. 

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Characters:

Stacey (mother of Joshua) 

Lucie (foreman of the jury)

Joshua (Stacey's son)

Susannah (murder victim) 

Rachel (Stacey's daughter)

Daniel (Stacey's ex-husband) 

Ruth (journalist)