General Fiction posted June 10, 2024

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Shaddap You Face!

by jim vecchio

The gentleman, Giuseppe, in his thirties, had kinky black hair, a stylish mustache, and clothes that demonstrated his fashion expertise.

His bride, Veronica, short, with frilly blonde hair and a New York Mets sweatshirt, was by his side.

“I don’t want to wind you up again, but let me get a word in edgewise,” she said. “Are you sure you wanna go through with this?”

“Shoes,” he said as they entered the doorway of Professor Watchmahoochio’s Museo e scuola* of English You Wannah Speak Better.

As the door opened, the Professor asked, “I heard-a you-a mentionony these shoes-a. Atsa Mattah you? No fit the shoes correctiment?”

“No, no, senor,” said the man. “Shes aska me eefy I wanna go inna here, and I tella her, shoes.”

“He means coitinly,” offered Veronica.

“Then you and the missus commencementy to come inna.”

The Professor poured them a shot of anisette. Before he could offer it, Giuseppe erupted in his usual manner, “I tella her I no needa to comma here. She tella me I needa come here. Why I needa come here? I speak perfectimenty the Eenglish.”

“Silencio! Mebbe the lady, she could- tella me the situatione…”

“It’s him!” she said, “He’s always on! I mean he just won’t stop! He talks and talks and talks. He needs to learn some Connecticut!”

“Pardonna, maam, eet ees Etiquette, I sense you are meaning of.”

“That’s what I said! You’ve got to stop him, Prof! This is the quietest he’s been in years.”

“Tella me, Professiore, do you theenka I need this-how you call it?-Etiquette?”


“I tella you, senor Professiore, I no need the shoes.”

“He means coitinly,” offered Veronica.

“I no-a can help it, Senior Professiore! When a bambino, my sainted momma, she always-a say, “Shaddap You Mouth! Shaddap you face!” I no canna talk in my own house, God rest her soul.”

“Is that it, honey?” asked Veronica, with renewed vigor. “I thought you did it because you don’t like the sound of my voice.”

“My flittering leetle humeengbird, You are my amore! I ador-a the very sight of you.”

“Well, eet sound like we’ve-a made progressione! Your problem-she ees solved, eez eet not?”


“No, Senior, your shoes, they are perfectimento!”

            *Museo e scuola=Museum And School



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