Characters

John Shane—The Hero, around age 25 or older. A John Wayne sound-alike, is devoted to American values in general and his faithful horse, Sterling.

Shorty—John’s clever, faithful sidekick, also around age 20-25 or older. Loves his horse, Jumper.

Jeb Marsh—A bank robber, age 20 or older. He is wearing a black, long-sleeved shirt and black or dark jeans. In fact, he is wearing everything black, down to his boots, socks, and hat, except for a bright kerchief mask, in red or blue.

Emmeline Ross—Bank customer, any age.

Mr. Wesson—Bank teller left in charge during lunch hour. Any age.

Setting: Border of the state of Idaho, 1894

Scene 1

Near border of Idaho in the United States of America. Upstage are two walls or one long wall of a log cabin or wood slat cabin. A small fireplace is on one side. A small table with two stools, large enough for two men to sit on. A few cast iron pans are hung over the fireplace or nearby. A small stack of chopped firewood is also by the fireplace. A basket large enough to gather eggs is empty and sitting on the small table. JOHN and SHORTY enter the front door of the cabin by coming in from Stage Right. Sound of wooden door slamming shut.

SHORTY

(Slightly miffed.) I’m tellin’ ya for the last time, John, my omelets are better than yours. Ma had a secret recipe.

JOHN

Well, if you mean by ‘secret recipe’ that she burned them on a regular basis, you’re right. Your omelets are outstandin’ in that respect!

SHORTY
(To JOHN.) I didn’t mean to burn the omelet this mornin,’ and how many times have I gotta tell you that?

JOHN

Let’s forget it. Maybe we missed one of the slower-laying hens. Let’s go look for two or three more eggs, and we’ll give it another go on that omelet for breakfast, whaddya say?

SHORTY

(Picks up basket from table.) Sure thing, John. And to show you my heart’s in the right place, I’ll go search. You can stay here and relax.

JOHN

All right, Shorty. (Sits down on stool at table.)

(SHORTY exits stage Right with basket. Sound of squawking chickens is heard, which startles JOHN into standing up to look off Stage Right, then SHORTY hurriedly enters Stage Right again, with a white goose prop stuffed into the basket, with at least its head and neck showing.)

SHORTY

Hey, John, look what I found in the henhouse! The chickens were complainin’ their heads off. It’s a loose goose, John! (Sound of goose honking, but not too loudly.)

JOHN

(Examines goose from more than one angle.) You’re right, Shorty. Wonder where it came from?

SHORTY

I dunno, but it can’t stay in the henhouse. It’s too big for any of the chicken boxes. We could keep it and build it a goose box in its own goose house.

JOHN

But the HONEST thing to do would be to take it into town and see if anyone is missin’ their goose. It’s a domestic one, after all.

SHORTY

Aw, and I was thinkin’ of makin’ me a goose egg omelet.

JOHN

Sorry, Shorty. Let’s head in to town. I think we’d better stop at the bank first, because Mr. Wesson sees everyone in town on a regular basis, and then we’ll head over to the general store where everyone also goes shoppin’. (SHORTY nods assent, then JOHN and SHORTY, who is still carrying the goose in the basket, head toward Stage Right. Lights down.)

(Lights up on one or two walls of town bank interior. Partition window with MR. WESSON sitting behind window opening, with a wooden cashbox and painted or actual kerosene lamp, near him. Lamp is not lit up due to being daytime hours. EMMELINE ROSS enters Stage Left, followed a few seconds by JEB MARSH, who has his kerchief mask pulled up just below his chin, but not covering his mouth or nose yet. JEB is followed by JOHN and SHORTY, who is still carrying the basket with the white goose inside.)

EMMELINE ROSS

(To MR. WESSON) Hello, Mr. Wesson, I would like to make a deposit of five dollars today. (Hands a five dollar bill or five dollar gold piece to MR. WESSON, who smiles.)

MR. WESSON

Certainly, Miss Ross. (Hands EMMELINE back a receipt.) And here is your receipt for the five dollars received and credited to your account.

EMMELINE ROSS
Thank you. (She turns and leaves Stage Left.)

(JEB MARSH pulls his kerchief mask up to cover his mouth and nose and pulls out a pistol prop as he steps up to face MR. WESSON at his partition window.)

JEB MARSH

Hey! Put your hands up.

(MR. WESSON looks startled and raises his hands.)

JEB MARSH

I want all the money you have access to in this bank. And move fast. I’m in a hurry to catch a train, cuz I gotta rob the train next! I’ve got a busy day ahead. So no dawdlin’.

MR. WESSON

(A little stammer in speech as he stares at pistol prop.) Y-yes, sir. Right away, s-sir. One t-take-out order…Uh, I mean…let me g-get you that c-cash.

JOHN

(Quietly, to SHORTY.) Dang it, Shorty, I have a feelin’ we should have gone to the general store first.

SHORTY

(Mimes having to hang on to the basket, as if the goose is restless and wants to climb out of it. Looks up, still distracted.) What’s goin’ on, John?

JOHN

(Quietly.) I think we have ourselves a dumb bank robber in front of us.

JEB MARSH

(Overhears and turns around to face JOHN, frowning with irritation. He wags his pistol prop as he talks.)

Hey, you! Hands up!

(JOHN puts his hands up.)

JEB MARSH

Nobody calls Jeb Marsh dumb! I planned this whole robbery by myself, and you ain’t talkin’ me out of it!

JOHN

(Politely.) No, sir. It’s your hold-up, and I am not gonna cause you another one.

SHORTY

(Sound of irritated goose honking. Mimes basket thrashing back and forth with larger movements, as if goose is especially eager to get away.) Aw, Mister Marsh, I gotta go home now. I forgot to put this goose on a leash. Let me go and fetch it for her, huh?

JEB MARSH

(To SHORTY.) Hold it right there. You can tell your goose just to mind its own business.

(SHORTY puts one hand up, but the other hand is “jerked” by the goose inside the basket, which is thrown right at JEB’s head, accompanied by the SOUND OF AGITATED HONKING. JEB drops his gun and puts his hand to his cheek, as if he is bitten.)

JEB MARSH

Ow, ow, ow! Your goose bit me!

(JOHN takes advantage of JEB’s discomfort to grab the fallen pistol and then pushes JEB down and puts one foot on JEB’s back, so that he cannot escape. JEB just groans.)

SHORTY

(Picks up the stuffed goose, with the sound of quiet honks dying down. SHORTY pets the stuffed goose’s head while replacing it in the basket. Speaks kindly to the goose.) Gee, you silly goose. You sure turned Mr. Marsh mellow!

MR. WESSON

(Nearly recovered from fright.) M-Marsh mellow? I sure owe you two a debt of gratitude. If you hadn’t goosed this robber, we might have lost more than m-money. I bet the bank president will give you two a token of his appreciation.

SHORTY

Oh, boy! A token of appreciation! I’ve never had a token of appreciation. Hey, wait a minute. Can you spend a token of appreciation?

MR. WESSON

Uh, no, I don’t think so.

SHORTY

You tell the bank president we don’t need a token. We’ll settle for a goose egg. (Holds up goose in the basket.)

MR. WESSON

So will you two stay here with the culprit, so I can run and fetch the sheriff?

SHORTY

Sure! Go and get the sheriff!

(MR. WESSON quickly exits Stage Left.)

JOHN

(To SHORTY.) We’re just lucky that Marsh robber didn’t give us a real goose egg!

SHORTY

Right. Let’s go ask around, like you said before, and see if anyone in town lost their goose. But if nobody claims her, I say we train her to guard our cabin, huh, John?

JOHN

Not a goose of a chance, Shorty!

JEB MARSH

(Groans. Turns slightly to face AUDIENCE.) This has to be the end of the goose jokes. Somebody get the lights!

(Lights down.)