This will be my last letter
as the girl afraid of love.
I've done a lot of healing,
Looked deep within myself.
I'm glad this one is different.
There will be no pleading.
No grand confessions of love.
I've made peace with where I am.
This one I write for us.
I thought that we were over this.
Thought I'd finally closed the door.
But I was nervous about seeing you.
When they set me beneath a spotlight.
A closed door at my back.
Our eyes met just like a movie scene.
You smiled, and her heart lept
inside our chest.
You paused beside me, arms full,
And asked us to grab the door.
She was so relieved to see that smile.
To hear you say our name.
She opened it.
I was terrified.
Did you realize what you'd asked?
That brief moment was all we got.
But that was all it took.
Three years to get to where we are.
Washed away with a single smile.
Now we're waking up in the middle of the night
Thoughts of you running through our mind.
A weight on our chest, a pit in our stomach.
There's a lump in our throat and a need to reach out.
If you've read our old letters.
There is no denying what she felt was real.
And now I see that love still glows.
But her confessions were met with silence
So, I chose to walk away.
Now, I've come to understand.
We had to let you go.
We had to say goodbye.
It was the only way
she'd hear my voice inside.
Now I understand
why we couldn't find the words.
We were writing different stories.
She wrote about you.
And I wrote about us.
I'd held so much inside.
The truth was buried deep.
And I didn't know how to tell you.
The girl you'd known was just a guise.
I always knew what I wanted
I had my life planned out
A quiet place in the mountains
where we could be ourself.
But the pressure we were under
made everything unclear.
And the girl that I had known
She got locked in insecurity.
So, I let myself detach.
I hid our pain so well.
That I couldn't see
The pain and loss around our heart.
Had trapped us within ourself.
Two years before we met you.
We'd lost one of our oldest friends to suicide.
That death cracked through the walls.
And helped me see who we'd become.
I caught a glimpse
of the pain that lay within.
And that's when I made the vow.
That we'd find our light again.
One year later we lost our aunt
She said move into my house
and promise me you will get your own life.
But our progress was slow.
We didn't know where to start.
The walls that were around us.
Kept us locked out as well.
We had just begun our journey.
Started writing from the heart.
Writing was the only time she would let me speak.
And this is where we made our plan
to make our dreams come true.
That's when you appeared.
And she caught a glimpse of light.
I tried to ignore it.
Tried to keep us safe.
We needed to focus on clearing the pain.
But it had been so long since I'd seen her smile.
Since her laugh was real.
And you reminded us of the friend we'd lost.
So, I chose to leave her be.
I was all focus, all work, no play.
We couldn't count on others,
they'd only leave or die.
So I kept us to ourself.
But she needed people, needed to belong.
She craved connection
I hate to admit that I need it too.
You brought laughter to our world.
I enjoyed the banter,
your sarcasm and wit.
She enjoyed the laughter
The playfulness, the fun.
Then, everyone began to push.
I rolled my eyes a lot.
But the thought had crossed our mind.
You had us thinking and dreaming again.
She wrote our first love poems
Embracing the path they envisioned.
I wrote about freedom and growth.
As fond as I was,
I felt something was missing.
I enjoyed your presence
But our worlds were so different.
And so were the lives we had pictured.
Life was good, and we were happy.
We openly joked about all the pushing.
Then tragedy struck.
A young man took his life
then our mother had a stroke.
The walls closed around me.
Survival mode unlocked.
And that's when you finally asked
If we'd like to try for more.
You were sweet and supportive
Like you'd always been.
But trapped behind our walls
I began to question why.
You said you'd wait until we were ready.
And she gripped that promise tight.
As I threw us into work
praying the pain within
wouldn't swallow me alive.
Your promise became our anchor
In that troubled sea.
Without it, we may not have survived.
As new pain entered and phantoms escaped.
After mom had her stroke.
I realized I had no idea who we were.
I'd been following her plan
And I hated who we'd become.
An empath who was no good with emotion.
Who was taught to ignore and repress.
Guess that's why we write.
We were raised to be the quiet, strong one.
Never allowed much freedom.
Too afraid to rebel
Trying to avoid the explosions.
We got swept up in a sea of repressed emotions.
And you kept trying to be the one we needed.
All she wanted was to let you in.
But we couldn't break the program.
And I didn't want to drag you into our madness.
When I lost my aunt who was like my mother.
The pain only got worse.
She was the mom I'd always wanted.
But the detached me had barely seen her.
There was so much beneath the surface.
That I could never show.
You kept showing up,
making us laugh when we wanted to cry.
kept proving that you cared.
And I let her focus on you.
On the illusions the two of you built together.
But I feared that dream was over.
As hard as I fought my life was over.
Then you started saying you were leaving.
You were going to move away.
That you wanted us to come with.
Said you'd even take our mom.
But Mom was the main thing
I wanted to escape.
I couldn't take her with me.
And we could not let you stay.
Standing at the crossroads.
We could not decide.
The battle within was destroying our mind.
Our world started spinning like a merry-go-round.
She closed her eyes, and I took a step.
As I stumbled, a new path emerged.
I quit our job and decided to stop running.
It was time to face the mess.
We'd made a deal with you
that if one of us left, the other would, too.
But you chose to stay, and we had to go.
A few months later
We learned you'd moved someone in.
She was hurt, but we stayed quiet.
We'd made our choice, and we'd be alright.
We deleted your number.
Along with our old letters.
Decided it was time to let go.
You would never be ours.
Things with the new girl didn't work out.
Our silence was broken.
We wished you happy birthday
Then learned our Uncle had passed.
Like our Aunt he was the father who was there.
A week later, you told us you were leaving.
I'd thought that we were over it.
But she cried for hours.
She was so happy when we started talking to you again.
When we said we'd be there for one another.
And you made her believe
that she was part of the reason
you didn't want to leave.
Once again,
you didn't move, but the talking didn't last.
A year went by before we saw you again.
I was terrified when you walked through the door.
All our question marks and maybes.
Had started to drive me crazy.
And you were a heartbreak that kept coming back.
There was nothing I could do about the ones who had died.
But to you, I could say goodbye.
So I closed the door.
This wobble has helped me
see the part we played in this.
I realized I pushed you away
Her love for you gave us something to lose.
And I didn't want to say goodbye again.
The pain was just too great.
I was afraid we'd be forgotten.
And when you didn't leave, I feared we were the reason.
But I'd rather let go than have to admit.
She still loves you.
But not the way we thought.
Our words painted a picture
We wanted to believe in.
But our love was clouded
in obsession and illusion.
It got tainted by all the outside voices.
I know we held on longer than we should.
But some days, we wonder, was it more than a delusion?
I've spent three years
getting to know who we are.
I've shed a lot of tears.
While looking at our past.
I've sorted through a lot of fear.
The parts of us that do not match.
I'm grateful for our question marks, and maybes.
Because they forced us to find ourself.
We took a couple solo road trips
made that trip to Yellowstone.
We're getting back to writing
and discovering our joys.
Seeing you made us wobble.
Made us admit that love still burns.
I fear falling back into obsession.
Back into that darkness
But we miss our friend.
That friendship was what we needed,
we didn't need it to be more.
We couldn't handle it if it were.
We needed someone we could count on.
But didn't know how to voice it.
After all, we've been through.
Can that friendship be saved?
The girl who stood before you.
The one who opened up the door,
Wanted to say thank you.
For all the joy you brought.
She wanted to say hello.
But I need to say goodbye.
Goodbye to you and the girl you knew.
She is me, but I am her no more.
I must say goodbye to who we were.
I need to let this go.
Goodbye to all the fear.
And goodbye to who we thought you were.
We both know you're pretty great.
But the image we held was unfair.
I've forgiven the past.
There's no resentment, no hurt, or anger.
All that remains is love and acceptance.
And I'm sorry for any pain that we caused.
I hope one day you can forgive us too.
She couldn't say goodbye to you.
So, instead, we say Aloha.
We wish you the very best.
You deserve someone who is brave enough to love you
And I hope one day when you find her,
you'll choose to let her in.
Sincerely,
Me
