I noticed him for weeks in the library. He picked the same computer every day. It was right in front of mine. He wore the same clothes - dark blue jeans and a gray t- shirt and sometimes a thin blue waterproof jacket.

He never ate or snacked on anything and he always seemed buried in whatever he was studying. He was average looking but not ugly. His dark brown hair and eyes contrasted well with his pale skin. He wasn't in shape but he wasn't fat either.

Details- it's all about the details with me and yet I never muster up the courage to talk to him. To talk to anyone really. It wasn't that I liked him or anything, he just seemed like the one who would be the nicest to me. His kind eyes and calm manner made me feel at ease. At least he seemed to have a calm manner. I never heard him scream out in anger or laugh uncontrollably, he doesn't show much emotion at all. Well that's not true he's more contemplative as he studies. And tired, he looks tired mostly and undernourished too, poor guy.

I have to start small, I think to myself.That's what my therapist said, start small. It takes everything I have not to get into my head, not to over think every detail. But how to start small? Think small? Ok that's a weird thought. But not the worst one yet. What do people normally start with- the weather, but it's sweltering outside so nothing new. The classes they're taking, that could be one! But how to start- Hey what classes are you taking? Then he'll probably look at me weird and then I'm weird and the whole situation is just uncomfortable with me rambling on about nothing probably. Over thinking again! Shut up!

What the heck! Why can't talking be as easy as making a cake. Cake! That's it! There's steps to making a cake and food could be that step toward starting a conversation. And making food helps take away my nervous energy and redirects it to something good and meaningful- at least that's what Dr. Gates says.

The next day I come with a cake and an actual meal- grilled chicken and salad with a piece of lemon Bundt cake. Starting simple, not weird at all I think. Don't over think it!
"Hi", I blurt out as he sits in his usual place in front my computer. It takes all I can not to puke and hyperventilate at the same time.
"Hi"- He said it back and he smiled slightly! Wait maybe he's laughing at me- oh crap! What did I do wrong. It's like my mind and body don't ever connect when I try something new.
Before the pandemic I would just accept it and move on but now I feel I have no control anymore. Definitely not like I did on zoom or teams where I could control everything and when I didn't want to control anything I just turned my camera off- still a measure of control when you think about it.
As my mind scrambles, with thoughts of fear and dread all wrapped up in an obnoxious gas bubble in my stomach, I blurt out-
"I made extra food today! The librarian doesn't mind us eating here as long we clean up after ourselves and don't get the books dirty."
" Oh ok thanks," he says kind of surprised but pleasant enough. I mean what guy doesn't like free food, good food. Well maybe not a salad- oh great! A guy who looks hungry and I feed him a salad.
"I'm sorry I - I didn't mean to startle you like that. I just made this chicken and salad plate and I made too much. I don't want it to go to waste," I say as if I'm guilty of some sort of crime.
"You're totally fine and I'd love some. I always forget my lunch, so thanks", he says.
So nice! I knew it! I hand him the container and he takes a long whiff - "Nothing like chicken and salad - simple idea, very filling concept," he says with a faint smile. Humor- was that an attempt at humor. Wow! This is going great! Way better than I expected.
I mutter a laugh, " I hope you enjoy it", I say as I try to scramble my things together as I don't want to hear any criticism about my food at the moment. Cooking is the only thing that's probably going to cure me of my insanity one day, hopefully.
" Wait. Where are you going?", He says as he puts his right hand out. It almost felt like an attempt to calm me down, which surprisingly worked this time.
"Aren't you going to eat with me? At your computer. Like you normally do, right?" He says carefully, probably not to sound like a creep. Wait- is this guy just as weird as me? That would be funny.
"Oh yea, I just thought maybe- I don't know... maybe. You're right." I say as I take a deep breath.
" I spent all night making that and my baby cousin didn't want any of it. The cake I mean, not the chicken. He loved that," I say.
" It smells good, why wouldn't't he eat it? I'm Emory by the way."
"I'm Lisa. Yea I don't know why. I think his mom is scaring him by showing him people with rotten teeth and telling him that's what people who eat sugar look like. She thinks sugar is cocaine or something," I say and he actually laughs a bit over it. Humor, I'm doing it! I'm conversing with another person other than myself. My excitement builds and I go on about my baby cousin and his antics and my aunt and her holistic lifestyle. He listens to all of it, all of my rambling. Oops, I'm rambling again. Stop!
"Sorry, sometimes I tend to ramble. What about you? Do you have family in town? Or do you travel?" You questions! Yes!
"No my family lives in Mississippi, I just came to California for the job opportunities in my field I'm studying in."
"Oh what's that? What are you studying for?" I ask. Specific questions. Good, good.
"Medicine", he says laughing " Sorry I always wanted to be like those guys on tv, so vague right?"
I laugh, that was actually funny to me. Impressive. I slowly start to feel the muscles in my shoulders and neck relax. " So true," I say.
" I'm actually trying to get my bachelors in Human Resources. Hoping to get a job in that field someday. Someday," he emphasizes as he looks down with his eyebrows somewhat raised and gathers some lettuce and chicken with his fork.
"What about you? What are you trying to become or do-"
"Whatever it is right, " I interrupt while looking away at nothing in particular. "Sorry didn't mean to interrupt,"I say nervously. Shoot! I blew it, I didn't pay attention to when he was done talking.
"No, no you're good. I just feel like being a college student is more of a career sometimes than actually achieving what you came here to do." He says.
" Yeah. I never thought of it that way, but you're right. Sometimes I feel like it just gives some parents and students- gives people really, something to brag about. But whatever makes you happy right."
He smiles in agreement, a big smile this time. A big beautiful smile. Straight white teeth. I haven't seen someone smile like that in a long time. I haven't made anyone smile like that in a long time. I used to make my mom smile and laugh and occasionally my dad too. I loved making them smile and laugh, their delight made me quiver with happiness and joy. I miss that. I miss making someone happy. Someone I cared about or tried to reach out too.

That was Emory for me today. Giving me joy, making him smile. All these thoughts, these rare happy thoughts swelled inside of me, bursting out to the point that words form in my mind that come without warning, without much thought, "I'm making spaghetti for my cousin and I tonight. You want me to bring you some tomorrow?" I pause, oh no I'm too forward!? Desperate for a friend, I look desperate!
"I'm so sorry I hope that didn't sound weird," I say.
"No not at all, I'd love some thanks. See you tomorrow Lisa."

And tomorrow came and went and before I knew it weeks went by and I realized I had done it. I had finally listened to Dr.Gates and made a friend. Sounds childish when I think about it, but baby steps turn into big people steps- oh my word! I've been spending way too much time with my baby cousin. I'm happier though less anxious than before. Dr.Gates told me to focus more on the person talking rather than my own thoughts. He obviously doesn't understand- I tell myself every time he mentions it. He doesn't get how that voice in my head regulates, decides, and forms what happens next for all moves, every word, each gesture, etc. Honestly though, I'd be foolish to ignore the fact that his advice is working and Emory and I talk everyday, even when there's no food involved he still talks to me.

In fact we talked while I was sitting outside on the bench on campus. I was reading a new book when he said,
"Hey Lisa, how are you? Reading anything interesting."
Act normal. Shut up voice.
"Hey, I'm good. I'm just reading about Queen Elizabeth and her life as the Virgin Queen."
Oh god! Why say virgin! Now I'm super weird. It's like I'm in high school all over again trying to fit in and then I say something out of left field. My brain doesn't make any sense.
" Oh yea, she's an interesting person in history," he says it so politely and isn't awkward at all.
That's because he doesn't think you're normal. And he's probably right.
"In fact," he continues" did you know that she had many spies throughout England."
"Yes, yes I did! I didn't know you liked history. Most guys aren't that into it," I blurt out.
" Oh yea kind of, I mostly just watched the shows with my grandma. She lived in England for a while before moving back to the states. Actually-"
"Hey Lisa!"
Oh no not Lisa!
"Hi Lisa, " I say hesitantly
" You've been avoiding me friend. I keep inviting you to all the parties on IG but you never respond. You doing ok?" She says totally ignorant to Emory's presence.
" Umm Lisa, this is Emory, Emory this is Lisa, obviously." I say trying not to sound rude.

They exchange greetings and Lisa proceeds to put the pressure on high as to why I haven't responded and why I don't hang out with her anymore. I love Lisa as a friend but she's too much. She's trying to become a professional therapist and one day she got me at my weakest point. I just said everything, I couldn't stop talking about life and feelings. I hated every moment of it but in some way she manipulated me into talking rather than actually caring like a therapist. If therapist care. I don't know, they put on a good pretense if they don't.
"Yea I'm sorry Lisa," I interrupted right as she's digging into me in such a "nice" way.
"I've just been dealing with a lot lately."

"Oh I'm sorry, is it still that thing with your dad? Is your mom still away?" She says.
Wow! Thanks for remembering Lisa!
"Well...actually... I'm," I can't think of anything more to say. Nothing, no excuse, not even a 'I don't want to discuss it with you', just nothing.
"What do you have going on this week. Like with parties? Any parties planned?" Emory saves the day. He must have noticed I was embarrassed and at a loss for words.
"Yea actually there's one tonight at my place. You want to come Lisa? And of course your welcome as well Em-" ,she stumbles over his name and at the same time they both say "Emory" as if in a who said it first competition.
"Ok I'll go, what time," I say.
She gives me all the details, says a quick goodbye a hops off to whatever down trodden person she thinks needs help.
"Thank you," I say with a sigh of relief that she's gone.
"Sure no problem," he says
" Where should I pick you up," I say.

I pick him up later at a park and as we drive to her house I can feel my heart pulsating. Emory is talking about something he read or learned from school and the only answers I can give are almost mechanical. As if someone turned on a switch in me and programmed me to answer- "wow", "interesting", "where at?" and "how come." I just wanted him to keep talking. I needed that background noise to shutout whatever it is that I'm feeling.
Finally we get there. I parallel park. My hand starts to shake as I reach for my belt buckle and then freezes. It freezes right before I unbuckle. I can't move, my breathing feels forced, my nostrils flared, my forehead creased. And then suddenly water starts to gently drip down my cheek. One trickle, then two, and suddenly a torrent starts to fill up in my eyes that I can't hide anymore.
"Are you ok," asks Emory
"I can't do this, Emory I can't go in there," I say sobbing as if I'm a child about to be beaten.
"There's too many people, too many questions, too close," I say as I start to hyperventilate.
"It's ok,"he says as he moves his hands up and down to calm me.
"It's going to be ok. We don't have to go," he says.
"Yes, yes", I say as I take deep breaths and rub my hands around the seat belt.
"You're right we don't have to go," I say
"Yea, besides I seriously doubt she'll notice anyways," says Emory with a slight smile.
This makes me smile. "It's been a long time since someone made me smile after feeling like this. Thank you," I say as I wipe the tears away and the dribble on my nose with my sweater.
He smiled at me again, "I'm sorry too for this. I dragged you out here for nothing",I say.
"Oh no it's fine, I wasn't doing anything today."
"You want to come over? My aunt is bringing my baby cousin. I can make us something", I say uncertain if he actually wants to hangout with me- the basket case.
"Honestly Lisa, that sounds way more fun than this party that I really wasn't invited too anyways"
I laugh, "I know she couldn't even get your name right," I say as I pull the car away.