“Sure you will!” She has taken a sip of her water, “As long as you don’t end up like me.”

 

“I’m going to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Mom!!” I hold black balloons up to my head so I look like I’ve got mouse ears. I pose for Mommy’s phone camera with glee. She loves me so much she has to tell all her Facebook friends about me.

 

I race home from school excited to tell my Mommy about my day. I tell her she’s the best Mommy in the whole wide world. It’s true, she’s the best Mommy in the whole wide world because she’s my Mommy. 

 

I’m crying because of Mommy. Mommy forgot my gingerbread house was in the oven and she burned it to a crisp. My biggest and best creation is gone, just like that. Mommy didn’t mean to, she forgot about my project. It’ll be ok. She hugs me tight and tells me she loves me as I cry into her arms.

 

I called my teacher Mom, but I didn’t mean to. I think she would be a cool Mom, though. I don’t want Mommy to be sad I thought someone else was Mom though. I didn’t mean to. 

 

We move to a new house. I wake up scared because I forget where I am. Mommy comes in and reminds me we’re at a new house. Mommy tells me it’ll be ok.

 

Mommy is going to school, so I need a babysitter. Mommy lets me meet her and she’s very nice. It’s like I have a new mommy!! She's not as good as my Mommy, but she’s pretty cool too. I hope she loves me just the same.

 

Babysitter Mommy and My Mommy have birthday cakes and birthday parties for me!! I love them both so much!! I got so many cool presents and cake and everything!! 

 

I’m at a new school now, Mommy tells me it’ll be ok again. There are new people at this new school. Some are good and some are bad. Mommy says that’s normal.

 

There’s a really mean boy at school. He says I’m loud and that I’m annoying. Mommy says to ignore him or tell a teacher if he keeps it up. I do that and nothing happens. He’s a giant bully and I hate him. I wish Mommy could help me at school.

 

I write letters to my Great Grandma. She’s my Daddy’s Grandma, but she loves me a lot. Mommy lets me use her phone to call her sometimes. She lives far far away, but I still love her.

 

I saw the Smurfs movie with Mommy. It was really funny, Mommy and I laughed a lot. I love movie theaters. I drew on myself with all my blue markers so I could be a Smurf. Mommy caught me which made her upset, but I didn’t mean to. I thought it would be funny. The water turns blue like the ocean. I told Mommy which made her laugh.

 

My cats ran away… Mommy holds me as I cry. Why did they run away from us? Do they hate me, Mommy?? 

 

We move again because of bed bugs. I hate bed bugs. They make me and Mommy sad. We got rid of almost everything because of them. Bed bugs stink more than stink bugs. I hate them. I hate movie theaters. Mommy tells me it’ll be alright.

 

Mommy takes me to work with her. I get to use a time card like she does, I feel big!! I get to meet all her worker friends and do a good job with work. I can’t wait to have a job.

 

Mommy hugs me as I sob. My great-grandma died that day. That day I watered the flowers, and got my very first time card… I could’ve said goodbye to my great-grandma. I beg Mommy to let me visit her, but Mommy says she’s in the ocean now. I wonder how she could do that. 

 

Mommy tells me she used to do bad things before I became her daughter. Before she met Daddy. Before she could see my brother again. She lost him before, but I’m glad she found him again. She said she used to be very sick, but now she’s clean. I’m happy she’s better now. 

 

Mommy lets me have half hot chocolate and half coffee at Wawa. Mommy doesn’t like it when I chew the straws, she says my teeth will go bad. 

 

I have new friends again!! I love hanging out with them at school. I wish I could hang out with them during the summer, but their houses are too far to walk. I wish I had a bike.

 

Mommy watches me play with my dolls and sees I put playdough on my one doll’s belly to make her pregnant. Mommy says I’m obsessed with sex and babies and says I need a therapist. I don’t understand her.

 

I don’t feel like cleaning my room today. I know Mommy wants me to clean today specifically but I can’t bring myself to do it. Mommy is very angry at me. She drags all of my toys and clothes out of my room and into the hallway, demanding that I clean right this second. I beg for her to stop, but she doesn’t listen. She stops when she wants to stop. Why can’t I clean when I want to clean?

 

Mommy is the Tooth Fairy. Mommy is The Easter Bunny. Mommy is Santa. Mommy lied to me. I forgive her, though. She got me all these cool things so it’s alright. 

 

I love having sleepovers with my friends, they’re super awesome!! I’m glad Mommy lets me hang out with them… I wish I had more friends to sleep over with…

 

I like summer camp a lot. Mommy comes to see me at the talent show they have this year and the year before. I sang for Mommy, I hope she liked it.

 

I figured out the code to Mommy’s profile on my Kindle tablet. Now I can watch YouTube videos and look up whatever I want. I know how to delete the search history too. Mommy will never know.

 

Mommy and I watch Say Yes To The Dress. I know that I hate mermaids but I love ball gowns. I know that Moms can be very rude to their daughters. I see Moms tell their daughters that they know everything because they’re the Mom so they know best. Will Mommy say that to me?

 

It’s the first day of spring when I get my first period. Mom told me about it with her health books from her old school so I could be ready. I’m jumping for joy when I see the blood. I am a woman now, like Mom.

 

Mom found out about me knowing her profile code, so she took away my tablet. Good thing I know her phone password…

 

I watch Brave and Tangled on our computer. I see my mom when I see Mother Gothel and Queen Elinor. I see me when I see Rapunzel and Merida. I see Inside Out on my friend's phone and wonder why Riley’s Mom wasn’t yelling at her when she came back home from running away.

 

I graduated from elementary school. I’m excited but also scared for middle school. I wonder if Mom feels the same way.

 

Mom is mad at me. My shirt is tight so it slipped up a tiny bit, so you can see my belly. I didn’t know, Mom. “You know what, maybe if you wanna start dressing like that you can drop out of school and go work at a strip club!” I didn’t know.

 

Mom says I’m allowed to stay home alone by myself, so no more Babysitter Mom. I’m sad now. I liked Babysitter Mom, she didn’t yell a lot. I don’t leave the house because I’m scared Mom will yell at me. I don’t like when Mom yells at me. 

 

Mom says I can’t go onto the computer by myself. I would change the password, but Mom would know and yell at me. I don’t like when Mom yells at me. I don’t like when I’m in trouble, but I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong… I just want to have fun…

 

I have a new friend now in school!! They’re very cool and we like a lot of the same types of music, movies, etc. We talk all the time as well, which makes me very happy. I wish I could hang out with them outside of school, but our parents are similar… 

 

I did something wrong. I said something wrong. I don’t remember why. My mom yells at me to shut up because I’m crying. I can’t tell her I don’t like yelling. I can’t tell her I don’t like how close she is to me. I can’t tell her anything. She slaps me and tells me I’m lucky because if she was Grandma then I would have a red mark on my face for a week. She hates it when I’m quiet because she says I always look at her like I’m telling her to go fuck herself. 

 

This is my third bowl of ramen with cheese. I might be on my period again because I tend to binge when I get my period. Mom knows this. Mom asks me if I have a tapeworm because of how much I’m eating.

 

I have my first boyfriend now, but Mom says I can’t go on dates with him. We use our phones to text and talk in school. I wish we could go on dates. 

 

One of my friends wasn’t feeling good at lunch today. I kept telling him that he had to tell me what was wrong, which led to an outburst from him. As he yelled at me, I saw myself in his eyes. I saw myself begging my Mom to stop yelling at me. I saw my mother as myself. I’ve never been more scared in my life. 

 

I’m going on this camping field trip for a week. I have my period that week. One of my teachers tells me I have to go swimming regardless of this fact. Mom says I’m not allowed to wear tampons, but I can’t go in the water with a pad. I ask my best friend how to use a tampon. It’ll just be this once. Just this one time, I promise. I’ve never gone to church, but as I put the tampon inside of me, I pray my mom won’t yell at me when I return home.

 

Mom says she’s not mad at me. She’s actually mad at the teacher for forcing me to swim despite them knowing from day one that I was on my period. I’m relieved. I hope she’s like this all the time now.

 

I failed my first class ever since I’ve been in school. Mom and Dad are disappointed in me. Why couldn’t I study more?? Why couldn’t I do my homework?? Why couldn’t I be better??

 

I’m going to high school!! I’m very excited about it considering it sounds so much more fun than middle school. Middle school has a lot of mean kids. I don’t tell Mom because she’ll just tell me to ignore them again. 

 

High school is alright so far. I meet some new people again but they’re not as cool as the ones I already know. I like my classes and teachers, though.

 

I did something wrong. My boyfriend broke up with me and my best friend hates me. Everyone hates me. I remember the kid from A Christmas Story eating soap. I should do that so I learn my lesson. I can’t tell Mom or Dad about this, they’ll hate me.

The soap isn’t working. I don’t see any of my friends in class or at lunch anymore because they all hate me. I think Mom and Dad hate me too. I should kill myself, it’s not like they’d miss me anyway.

 

I’m crying in Mom’s arms as I tell her about my feelings. I cry as I tell her I loved my boyfriend and I messed up badly. I hear her telling me it’s just normal teenage stuff. I feel myself going deaf from the pain. 

 

I find Mom’s bowl and money from a canceled field trip. I find myself in the back of my classroom trying to smoke weed. I find myself in the principal’s office in massive trouble. I find myself sobbing hysterically because my mother is going to kill me when she comes to the school. I find myself earning 45 days of in-school suspension. I find myself losing phone privileges. I don’t find out why I did it.

 

I’m going trick or treating with my best friend!! My mom and I are alright again, but I know she’s still upset at me. Anyone would be, of course, but does she have to remind me how good my sister and cousin are doing to get her point across??

 

COVID-19 affects the entire nation. We are locked inside of our homes for months. Many people don’t have jobs anymore. I’m used to being in my house after all these years, so it should be fine.

 

I can go back to school early, but I’m scared I’ll see him. I’ll see my other ex. The one who was abusive to me. I told my mother once or twice, and she said that I had to let it go, that it was over now. I tell my Mom I don’t want to go back to school early in fright of him being there. Mom tells me I’m making a big mistake. I can only imagine what would’ve happened to me if I went back early and saw him… Would he memorize my school schedule and stalk me again?? Would he put his hands on me instead of shouting hateful words into my brain?? Would my mom have gotten a phone call saying her only daughter was in the hospital due to a series of unfortunate events? 

 

Mom is mad at me that I don’t remember the boy that grabbed his penis in the middle of class and asked me to sit in his lap. Mom is mad at me that I don’t remember the boys who put a caterpillar in my underwear. Mom is mad at me that I don’t remember kids at Babysitter Mom’s house calling me retarded. I don’t think I want to remember those things, Mom.

 

I’m old enough to have a job now, but I have no idea how to write an application and a resume. I could work with Mom, but that would mean I’d have to work with Mom. She could yell at me for doing something wrong, and she’d be justified because she’s got seniority and I’m just the new kid, plus I should be ‘used’ to her yelling, but I never have been and never will be. 

 

I got the job!! Mom doesn’t yell at me which is good, I don’t see her a lot because we work in different departments. It’s a huge sigh of relief. Everybody loves me and I’m doing great!!

 

I want to learn how to drive, but Mom doesn’t trust me, so I drive with Dad once or twice before he decides to leave Mom. I’m now alone with Mom, afraid of what she might do or say now that Dad isn’t here anymore.

 

“I figured maybe you and your Mom could get along better now that I’m gone.” He says. I don’t want him gone, though. I want to live with him. If I live with him, will I feel better?? If I live with him, will Mom relapse?? If I live with him will I grow to hate him because he left Mom??

 

I relate to a lot of the songs I listen to nowadays. Songs describing how horrible mothers are and how toxic they can be. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to talk to Mom about… anything again.

 

I write a lot. I love writing. I write stories, plays, and books. I write just about anything and everything. I hope to be a successful writer one day. I write to Mom about how she’s hurt me because she needs to know but if I say it, she’ll yell at me again. I don’t want her to yell. 

 

Mom and I got into a car accident recently. She’s got a cast and her wrist needs surgery. Everyone at work is worried sick about her. What about me? I was there as well!! I’m hurting too, why does Mom get to have all the sympathy?? No one asks how I am. No one is worried sick about me. They tell me to say hi to my Mom for them. 

 

Mom reads a lot of my notes. She tells me she’s sorry in a calmer voice than ever before. She’s told me about her Mom once or twice, which makes me think she’s the cause of everything going on here. I never see Grandma, and I don’t think she’s ever wanted to see me. 

 

Grandma died today. Mom’s very upset about it. She doesn’t go to the funeral because she decides to grieve in her own way. I only met her once or twice, and I think I only said hi to her. She never wanted to get to know me. She never wanted to be my grandmother, so why am I crying??

 

Mom got a new job. She gets to use some stuff she learned when she went to school when I was younger. Back before I was told to go work at a strip club. Back before she would yell at me for the littlest things and make me feel guilty for thinking she was wrong. Back before I became a woman. Back before she hated me.

 

But she doesn’t hate me. She just… protected me a little too much. She trapped me in her world and refused to let me out. 

 

Mom and I are…

 

“I know I haven’t always been the best mother in the world,” Mom speaks again at Friendly’s. 

 

“Yeah, I know.” I don’t feel bad for talking anymore. I don’t fear that she will burst out into a fit of rage and scream at me in public because I’ve been bad. I don’t fear her anymore. I feel oddly at peace that she’s admitted her wrongs, but that doesn’t mean anything that she did do was right.

 

When I do have kids, I hope they won’t have to go through what I’ve been through or God forbid worse. I hope that they’ll be able to speak up about how they feel and I’ll let them know that everything will be ok. 

 

“Nobody can be the perfect parent.”

 

True, but we can be better.