My heart was beating so fast, I was so nervous. I lost some of the words during the ceremony. The officiant stated, "repeat after me", I just stood there and didn't utter a word. I got married for the first time at the tender age of 21, although I felt I wasn't ready, I got married anyways. We were married for about 16 years, which included 5 painful separation periods. We had 3 beautiful kids together Xena, Xenaya and Xerrick, I refer to as my Triple X. Although I did love my ex-husband, it takes more than love to make a marriage work. I eventually realized it was time to let the marriage go. Our final separation in December 2015 was truly the toughest one. 

The year started off okay and ended horribly. In September we went camping for the first time with some friends in California and we had a nice time as a family. I really thought things were looking up. Well in October things started to go downhill, my husband lost his job and in November I lost mines. The holiday season wasn't great. Late December we had an argument and he left.  I asked him to come home after two weeks, but he refused, he wanted an extended time apart again. " I felt hurt, anger and fear all at once." The loss of my job combined with his decision not to stick around during this troubling time along with my 3 kids as well as my mother to take care of. I went into survival mode, found a job, and just pushed through it all. I took it all on and got through it with "my rock" also known as my momma. It took me two years to file for divorce after what turned out to be our final separation.

It was the first time/last time I had ever wanted to feel betrayed by a partner. I have always just wanted someone to go through the good, the bad and the ugly parts of life together.

In May 2017, I received and accepted a Facebook friend request from an old teenage crush who I hadn't seen in over 25 years. Me and this man had an unexplainable spark between us during our teenage years. We adored one another, but at the time what we felt for each other is what some people refer to as "puppy love".

I lived in Nevada, and he lived in California. Occasionally I would spend my birthday in my hometown Riverside, California. Well, I decided to spend my birthday in Riverside that year, he asked to take me to dinner, I anxiously accepted. 

When we finally saw each other after text messages and phone calls. "I felt so nervous", unable to sit still.  I wasn't the same teenage girl. I was worried he wouldn't see the girl he once shared a spark with. I’m hoping and praying I don’t bring the insecurities I still carried from my first marriage. These men were so very different from each other. After 25 plus years the spark was still there, his smile just melted me.