You're leaving, body is changing, slow heaving, breathing is strange, your genius Mensa crown has been knocked down, but your diamonds will shine into eternity. Mom you are dying right in front of my eyes and my why's are ending with question marks with no periods.  I Just can't make any sense of this

but yet...

I still can't cry

 

Memories are keeping you alive in my mind. I feel numb in your dying presence. Wondering what is wrong with me? My mother won't be here anymore! She's my extra shoulder to lean on when I'm off balance. Her heart to lie on when mine is skipping beats and the rhythm is out of sync. I'm not sure if I'm forcing myself to not think, feel, smell death when it's knocking on the door and nothing answers.

but yet...

I still can't cry

 

I'm watching her fast breath, slow breath, no breath, but one more breath...perhaps? When I walk in her room I quickly check to see if her chest is moving, grooving to a silent song between she and God, while the Isely Brothers play in the background. It's a prolonged agony of hope for her to stay alive and survive this Progressive Supranuclear Palsy brain disease joke. Dear God, please stop this breathing war. Just take her! Hasn't she suffered enough? I know she's tired and believe me mom has been flank steak tough! But with one foot tapping at heaven's gate and the other crushing my heart, I don't think she'll be given a brand-new start. I'm just not trusting my faith right now; my mother is a masterpiece! God's rare work of art. But maybe, maybe! He'll jump start her heart, give her a swig of red bull and everything will be cool and maybe, he'll give her one more chance so I can dance with my mother again. Reality kicks in as I watch her slowly disintegrate and integrate with death approaching

but yet...

I still can't cry

 

I'm feeling dazed as I try to navigate through this cerebral war zone haze of surrealism dueling with realism, I wish they would make up their mind and leave mine alone! Surely my mother is not dying!? I'm spinning around in a fog of nothingness and my face is paralyzed, tears are frozen from below 0 grief

but yet...

I still can't cry

 

She's gone, got caught trying to cheat death. God found her guilty and sentenced her to spend death in his life. She's finally resting in peace. Death's turmoil has surrendered, ceased, and God gave she and I relief. Wow, my mother has died, and God has answered my when and whys. Finally, finally...

I cried.