The Bequest

“Sorry. This seat’s taken.”

“I’ll only be a minute. I just need you to marry me.”

“That’s the worst pickup line I ever heard. You have thirty seconds to leave before I call security. There’s a bouncer around here someplace.”

“You won’t do that when you hear what I have to say.”

“Oh, yes, I will. You’re obviously a nut case and I’m alone here. ”

“Alone and single, I hope.”

“Don’t come any closer. Security cameras are watching you. If you harm me in any way you won’t get away with it.”

“I’m not crazy and I’m not a pervert. I just need a wife – and quick.”

“Well, you won’t find one here. Try a dating site.”

“There isn’t time. I have to have a wife in the next 48 hours.”

“Really?  Or what?”

“Or I don’t collect my inheritance. The will’s to be read on Monday. All those millions will go to dolphin rescue.”

“Sounds like a worthy cause.”

“I’m sure it is, but so am I. I’d much rather the money came to me.”

“Why do all the crazies find me?”

“I told you. I’m not crazy. You’re the one I was looking for.”

“Oh, great. I’m so flattered. Now will you please leave?”

“I knew you’d be perfect when I saw you signing the guest book. And now here you are. Just when I was desperate to find a wife. It’s fate.”

“The guest book? There’s no guest book at this bar.”

“The guest book at my aunt’s funeral this afternoon.”

“May Ellison was your aunt?”

“Yep.”

“Sweet old lady.”

“She is – was. She had no children, and I’m her only nephew. But she was worried about my single condition. She was pretty sure if I got my hands on her money, I’d fritter it away. Which I will definitely do, if I get the chance. She was a real believer in marriage as the way to keep young men on the straight and narrow, which is exactly where I don’t want to go. Marriage would be no fun at all.”

“If today’s encounter is any indication, you will have no trouble staying single.”

“And that’s my plan. As soon as our wedding is over and the money is in my hands, we can get a quick divorce in Las Vegas.”

“Look. Your aunt – if she really was your aunt – was a wonderful woman. But I know for a fact that she was no millionaire. She didn’t even have a car. She helped us at the shelter every week, serving food to the homeless, and she always sat at the table and ate with our clients.”

“Did she? Doesn’t surprise me. She was a civic minded woman. And she was determined that no one should know about her money. She lived in a tiny apartment for years after Uncle Tim died.”

“This is all very interesting, but I just remembered I have an appointment, so I’d best get going.”

“Wait! You’re not going to get an offer like this every day.”

“Thank goodness!”

“I’ll share the money with you.”

“How exciting. Now I can have half of your imaginary money.”

“Wait, wait, wait! I never said anything about half.”

“And I never said anything that sounded remotely like I would help you with your scheme to waste your aunt’s hard-earned money.”

“It wasn’t hard-earned. Uncle Tim was a bookie who ran a numbers racket in New Jersey.”

“Of course he was. Goodbye now.”

“I’m serious. He would want us to enjoy his money. So here’s my offer. I’ll pay you $100,000, plus plane fare and meals– well, dinner anyway – for our trip to Las Vegas.”

“Which trip? The wedding or the divorce?”

“The wedding. Why would I pay you to go with me to get the divorce? I can do that all by myself.”

“And no breakfast?  For a multi-millionaire, you really are a cheapskate.”

“All right. Breakfast included. Are you in?”

“Well, I’ll want a prenuptial agreement, of course.”

“What?”

“Everything I own before the wedding belongs solely to me.”

“Like what?”

“Well, like this for instance.”

“My wallet? How did you get that?”

“When I held out my arm to keep you from sitting here, of course. Simple. But you can have it back. Now that I know you, I’m pretty certain there’s nothing in it.  And if I take your deal I want half – as in 50% - of your inheritance.”

“Fifty percent?  That’s ridiculous.”

“Can you inherit without me? Do you think you could find someone else stupid enough to believe you and go along with your ridiculous idea?”

“No, but…”

“That’s it, then. Case closed. Take it or leave it. You can have 2.5 million or nothing at all.”

“You’re a thief! I thought you were one of the kind-hearted people who work in soup kitchens!”

“I do work in soup kitchens. And anyone who volunteers in the kitchen thinks anything they lost there was taken by one of the clients. It’s pretty lucrative, actually.”

“Wait a minute! Did you know about the will?  Were you sitting here waiting for me?”

“Like a spider for a fly. A couple of the lawyers were drinking at the wake, and I overheard them talking about it.”

“Well, I’ll be damned!”

“Probably. But in the meantime we can have some fun. Do we have a deal?”
“I can’t believe it. I’ve met the woman of my dreams!”