Earthling Easter

“Ah.  My dear Dvorzgah.  Do come in.”

“You summoned me, O Most High Overlord?”

“I did.  Please recline.”

“Thank you, Your Lordship.”

“Are you comfortable?  Would you care for some refreshment?”

“No, thank you, Your Lordship.”

“I wish to congratulate you on the successful research mission you undertook recently regarding the Earthling festival of Christmas.”

“I am most grateful for the opportunity to serve, Your Lordship.”

“Your findings were of great value.  They have added substantial information to our store of knowledge regarding this festival and its significance.”

“You flatter me, Your Lordship.”

“Not at all.  It was a dangerous mission, as we discussed prior to your departure.  The interstellar distance of the voyage and the cosmic obstacles to be negotiated en route were significant.  This became all too apparent, of course, after the tragic disappearance of your predecessor.  There were no guarantees that you would reach Earth safely, nor that you would return.”

“That’s unfortunately true.”

“There was also the danger of discovery and its potential consequences, not only for you, but potentially for all of us.”

“Yes, Your Lordship.”

“And yet, despite these dangers, you agreed to complete the mission.”

“I understand and appreciate the broader context, Your Lordship.  Future connections and relationships are of the utmost significance.  The only way to develop the skills required for successful diplomacy with Earthlings is to understand their cultural context."

"Correct".

“In this case, reconnaissance is the key.”

“And your reconnaissance, Dvorzgah, has been particularly effective.”

“Your Lordship, I appreciate your praise.  Am I to understand that this is the reason you’ve requested my presence today?”

“As ever, you are highly observant and perceptive, Dvorzgah.  That is why you are so eminently suited to these missions.”

“These missions?”

“Let me come to the point.  Dvorzgah, our Regal High Command would like you to complete one more mission.”

“I see ...”

“Let me explain.  We have obtained intelligence regarding another cultural festival of significance on Earth.  It is called Easter.  It occurs just a few Earth months after the festival of Christmas.  You will remember, from your previous investigations, that the infant Earthling called Jesus seemed to play some role in Christmas.”

“I believe so, Your Lordship, although the exact nature of that role requires further investigation.”

“Quite so.  What if I told you that we suspect this unusual Earthling features prominently in the festival of Easter also?”

“Really?”

“Our information is currently limited, but I could give you certain mission parameters to guide your investigation.”

“Your Lordship …”

“Dvorzgah, the Regal High Command acknowledges the inherent dangers of this mission and they appreciate what they’re asking of you.  However, when assessing our potential mission participants, you have the most prior knowledge and previous interaction with Earthlings.  We invest a great deal in these missions, as I’m sure you understand.  We must give ourselves and our people the highest possible chance of success.”

“I understand.”

“I thought you might.  The other point to mention is the fulsome and substantial … gratitude … you would receive following this mission.  Your lifestyle, and that of your family, changed significantly after your successful study of Christmas.  The Regal High Command is even more desirous of information regarding Easter and the rewards for providing this information are … lucrative.”

“I see.”

“I have received an undertaking from the Regal High Command in writing that, if you should undertake this venture and complete it successfully, it would be your final one.  You would be free to live out the rest of your days peacefully with your family.”

“I should probably discuss this with …”

“The Regal High Command cannot wait, Dvorzgah.  They need your answer.”

“Then, Your Lordship, I should be honoured to accept.”

“I expected nothing less.  Let me brief you.  The mission will commence very soon.”

“You mentioned the infant Earthling Jesus?”

“I did.  Our information suggests that while Christmas may relate to his birth, we currently believe that Easter may be connected to his demise.”

“Really?”

“This belief requires confirmation.  Our other leads remain … somewhat confused.  There are several possible symbols of the festival whose meaning need to be investigated.”

“Symbols, Your Lordship?”

“Yes.  For example, there is a type of food consumed only at this time of year – a baked good featuring two crossed lines across the crust.  We currently have reason to believe that this item may be linked to the barbaric circumstances of Jesus’ execution in the distant past.”

“Oh …”

“Your notes present a positive perspective of Earthlings during your previous contact.  We need confirmation concerning their usual treatment of each other – whether they are typically bloodthirsty or peace-loving by nature.  We seek further information concerning their technologies, current versus traditional methods of execution, standards of living, relative equality – a truly anthropomorphic analysis.”

“I shall endeavour to do so, Your Lordship.”

“It’s possible that their living conditions fluctuate from location to location.  One wonders whether their day-to-day behaviour is replicated all over Earth in similar ways or whether different “countries” or “lands” engage with the festival of Easter differently.  This would be something else for you to investigate.  I would recommend a landing site other than Melbourne on this occasion – perhaps some cities in the Northern Hemisphere.”

“Duly noted.”

“Confusion also exists about other symbols apparently connected with Easter – animals called “rabbits” and objects known as “eggs” that are constructed from a luxurious foodstuff known as “chocolate”.

“These are connected with Jesus?”

“This remains unclear.  An important mission parameter is to clarify this connection, if indeed it exists.  If not, we require you to investigate and explain the deeper significance of these symbols.”

“I will do my best, Your Lordship.  I do have one question, if I may.”

“Of course.”

“The societal focus on Christmas seems almost universal, certainly in the city of Melbourne where my recent investigation took place.  The information you have shared with me about Easter contains fewer details, as though Easter seems less significant for the Earthlings, somehow.”

“That is possible.  As yet, we do not know.”

“And yet, if this festival of Easter does commemorate the execution of Jesus, then surely this should be the more meaningful occasion of the two?”

“Very good questions, Dvorzgah.  I do not have the answers.  It will be for you to provide them in due course.”

“Yes, Your Lordship.  I have heard of many other Earthling festivals – Ramadan, Eid, Passover, Purim – and yet it is Easter that you are the most keen to investigate?”

“I go where the Regal High Command points me.  As do you.”

“Yes, Your Lordship.”

“Well, Dvorzgah, we both have significant work to do before your mission commences.  I must leave you.”

“Your Lordship, I’m sure we will see each other again before my departure, but, in the meantime … thank you for this opportunity.  Yes, the journey will be taxing and dangerous, but the Earthlings remain fascinating subjects to study.  I truly believe they may be receptive to our diplomatic approaches one day.  It will feel … satisfying to end my lifetime of service to the Regal High Command knowing that my work has played an important role in interstellar relations.  I hope to be able to report back to you in person after returning safely, but either way, I will endeavour to provide you with the information you seek.”

“My grateful thanks to you, Dvorzgah.  I wish you a safe journey and every success for your mission.