Lights fade up to reveal two desks, positioned on either side of the stage.  They are slightly angled inwards so each occupant can see the other while being seen clearly by the audience.  CANDICE and JANE work for a company that produces a world-renowned dictionary.  CANDICE is a senior editor and JANE is her considerably younger colleague.  The two women sit at their respective desks in CANDICE’s office, surrounded by reference books, folders, paper and pens. 

 

INT. CANDICE’S OFFICE

CANDICE yawns and stretches

CANDICE

Right.  Let’s recap.  How far have we got?

JANE

Rifles through sheets of paper

So far, we’ve covered “pandemic”, “virus”, “lockdown” and “doom-scrolling”.

CANDICE

Brow furrows

Hmmm.  Very cheerful. 

JANE

Well, that was the year that was.

CANDICE

The very definition of an annus horribilis.

JANE

Indeed. 

CANDICE

So, before we move on, have we created watertight definitions for those terms?

JANE

Watertight?  Is there a flood coming?

CANDICE

I mean, are they clear? 

JANE

What?

CANDICE

Would a child understand them?  Would they prove helpful for a person who isn’t particularly familiar with the English language?

JANE

I guess so.

CANDICE

Well, don’t guess, please.  Be sure.  Eminent people are trusting us to get this right.

JANE

So you’ve said.  Many times.

CANDICE

It’s always helpful to keep in mind a clear sense of the scale of this task.

JANE

Under her breath

Helpful for you, perhaps.

CANDICE

Constructing useful definitions is a good beginning.  Have we also sourced appropriate etymological examples?

JANE

Pardon?

CANDICE

Etymology.  Word origins.  Have you found some good examples of when these terms first entered common usage?

JANE

Um … not yet …

CANDICE

We need to chart the evolution of each word.  We need to provide an example of its first recorded appearance in print.  We also need to document any variations or developments in its meaning.  You know, semantic changes.

JANE

Right.

CANDICE

This research demands more than our competitors would expect, but that’s what makes this dictionary one of the world’s most highly respected and authoritative resources.

JANE

Yep.

CANDICE

This is what separates it from the rest of the pack.  That, and the fact that it bears the name of one of the world’s oldest and most prestigious institutions of learning.

JANE

Cool.

CANDICE

Raises one eyebrow

“Cool?”

Pause

Well, I’m delighted that you grasp the significance of our current enterprise.  This is not a common garden everyday project.  We’re being entrusted with something special.  It’s a high watermark.  Something that will continue to shape the way certain words and meanings are employed in the future.  We are shaping our language.  We are a part of history.

Did you know we’re following in the footsteps of the American army surgeon Dr Minor?  He was one of the greatest contributors.  He spent decades perusing volumes in his personal library and writing down interesting etymological examples by hand.  Mind you, he had plenty of time on his hands.  He was an inmate of Broadmoor.  A lunatic asylum.  He played the flute and painted watercolours, but he also committed murder and severed his own appendage with a pen knife.  I’m not sure what that says about people who practise lexicography.  Nothing good.

JANE

Drily

Golly.

Pause

CANDICE

For my sake, and for the sake of our managing director, I’d encourage you to take this seriously.

JANE

Have I given you any indication that I’m not?

CANDICE

Wryly

The words “cool” and “golly” qualify as an indication.  Words have infinite shades of meaning.  There’s a glorious rainbow-coloured spectrum of subtleties out there.

JANE

Indeed.

CANDICE

And yet, while engaged in a task dealing with the mother tongue of Shakespeare, you are content for the words “cool” and “golly” to drop from your lips.  You sound like a banal adolescent.

JANE scowls, but doesn’t reply 

CANDICE

Let’s move on.  What’s next?

JANE consults a sheet of paper

Um … the next term to explore is the word “unify”.

CANDICE

I see.

CANDICE consults one of the large reference books on her desk

What have our predecessors made of this?

            She flicks through the pages 

Ah.  Here we are.  “Unify”.  Verb.  This source suggests it has Latin origins.

JANE

Really?

CANDICE

From the early sixteenth century, apparently.  Unificare.  “Make into a whole”.

She circumscribes an imaginary globe in mid-air with both hands

JANE

What kind of hole?  Like a pit?  Or a quarry?

CANDICE

Ah, if only yours was a “whole” wit.  Instead, I find myself dealing with a half-wit.

JANE

What?

CANDICE

Never mind.  Let’s settle on a definition.

JANE

            Thoughtfully

“Unify” …

CANDICE

            Thoughtfully

“Unify” …

JANE

What does it mean to unify?

CANDICE

What do you think it means?

JANE

To initiate somebody into university life? 

CANDICE

Pardon?

JANE

You know, pub crawls, low-level good-natured hazing …

CANDICE

Yes, yes, I’m familiar with the concept.  But how are you linking that with …

JANE

“Unify?”  UNI … fy?

CANDICE

Unimpressed

Oh, I see.  Very droll.

JANE

Sorry?

CANDICE

Your pun.

JANE

What pun?

CANDICE

Rolls her eyes

Never mind.  Let’s try a more sophisticated approach.  Let’s play word association.

JANE

If we must.

CANDICE

How else would you suggest arriving at a workable definition?

JANE

By looking up someone else’s?

CANDICE

I see.  When entrusted with creating definitions for a world-leading dictionary, your solution is plagiarism.

JANE

Surely exploring existing definitions is a valid starting point.  You just consulted a text to discover Latin origins.

CANDICE

That’s because I … oh, never mind.

JANE

What?

CANDICE

Look at your books.

They each flick through a few reference books in silence

JANE

What about “to unite?”

CANDICE

That seems rather obvious.  What about “to bring together?”

JANE

Also pretty obvious.  Um … “to combine?”

CANDICE

 “To conjoin?”

JANE

 “Integrate?”

 CANDICE

 “Amalgamate?”

The speed of delivery increases; they begin to swap terms at a rapid-fire pace

JANE

“Fuse?”

CANDICE

“Mix?”

 JANE

“Merge?”

CANDICE

“Blend?”

JANE

“Bind?”

CANDICE

“Link?”

JANE

“Weld?”

CANDICE

“Meld?”

They both start to grin – this is a fun game

JANE

Pronounces the next word rather slowly, as if tasting it

“Synthesise.”

CANDICE

Nice!

Pause

Similarly lingers over the next word, enjoying it

“Federalise.”

JANE

Oh, that’s quite a specific shade of meaning there.  Political overtones.  Very nice.

Pause

CANDICE

“Coalesce.”

JANE

Ooh, fancy!

Pause

CANDICE

Um … what about … “harmonise?”

JANE

In the style of the movie character Babe

“La, la, la!”

They both giggle

CANDICE

Here’s one.  “Conjugate.”

JANE

Hmmm.  As in pertaining to verbs, or pertaining to one’s wedding night?

CANDICE

I think you’ll find that word is “consummate.”

JANE

Oh, close enough.

CANDICE

Either way, it signals connection.

They giggle once more

JANE

Thoughtfully

You say that in jest, and who doesn’t love a double entendre?  But I think you have a point. 

CANDICE

I do?

JANE

Whenever I hear the word “unify", I don’t think immediately of … things … of combining ingredients in a kitchen or mixing substances in a laboratory.  I think of … people.

CANDICE

Go on.

JANE

Surely, if we learnt nothing else during lockdowns, we recognised anew the value of other people.  Friends, family, colleagues, pets, loved ones of all types.  “Isolation” wasn’t just an arbitrary definition during lockdown.  We lived it.  We felt it.  And it taught us unexpected things.  We experienced enforced separation from other members of our tribe.  And we found ourselves mourning their absence.  More than we anticipated.

CANDICE nods silently

When defining the word “unify”, what better way to do so than to emphasise the way it evokes genuine connection between people?

CANDICE

Hmm.  The perfect form of nuance.

Pause

“Unify” – “to re-unite.  Through unity, we … recover.”

They each reflect on this concept and what it means for them

JANE

Recovery.  Like furniture.

CANDICE

Sorry?

JANE

You know.  Recovery.  My Nan is getting her couch recovered as we speak.

Pause

CANDICE

Oh, Good Lord above, deliver me.

Lights fade out