The Void

I woke to the sound of my friend's voice.

"You can come out now. She went go work."

I looked down upon myself. Barely registered that I was still in the clothes I had on yesterday. My ankles and my wrists felt sore. A low throb down below still held purchase. I came out of the closet and asked,

"Please, may I bath? I have to bath?"

"Fer sure. You know where it is." E replied.

I went into the bathroom and turned on the tap water as hot as I could stand it. My eyes were strangely dry as if I cried every tear I possessed. My heart and my mind were numb. I checked my feelings...nothing except the express need to wash myself. I pealed everything off as quick as I could, almost as if the clothes were made of acid. I stepped into the steaming water and sat down. I felt the sting of the water as it washed over my nether regions. I grabbed the bar of soap and began to scrub. Hot water turned my skin pink and the vigorous rubbing turned it red. Gingerly, I washed my private area and then wrapped my arms around me knees and began rocking in the water. I looked down at my wrists and noticed that bruises circumferenced my wrists.  My ankles showed similar marks as well.

Slowly but surely, I retreated into my mind allowing my body to be a living automaton.

Finally I was in the void. There I'll stay until the pain leaves, maybe not even then.

I don't know how long I sat there rocking. Outside myself, someone was talking to me. It was E. 

"The water's getting cold. You gotta get out of there. You've been in there for over an hour and I need to use the toilet."

I continued to rock back and forth.  E's entry barely registered.  She started to shake my shoulders until finally, I turned my head to look at her. 

She looked like a beautiful demon.

"Alright." She said. "Let's get you out and dry you off."

The tub drained out the whirlpool of last night as she dried me off and put me in her house coat.

"I was gonna say we have to go out tonight, but I don't think you're up for it. We'll have to go tomorrow night though." E said.

Her words sounded just like Lucy on Charlie Brown.

"Bwa ba bwa bwa bwa."

That was all I heard. She steered me into the kitchen sat me down and passed me a bologna and lettuce sandwich with a glass of milk. "Eat up." She said. "You need to refuel."

I slowly nibbled on the sandwich. All I tasted was cardboard. 

I knew E was talking to me but all the words jumbled together until I heard her say,

"Look, I get last night was hard on you. I didn't know you were a virgin or it wouldn't have been like that. I thought you were willing."

I just stared at her. What could I say to something like that? I could stare at her or I can freak out and we know what the latter does.

"I'll call the guys and tell them you need the night off." E said.

"Call the guys? The night off?  Wha...?" I thought.

Then I slipped back into myself again.

"Ok." E said. "You looked wasted. Think you should go back to bed. Just don't come out until I call you."

She passed me a small bucket.

"Just in case." She said.

Docile, I crawled into the closet under the stairs. There I sat rocking back and forth for what may have been five minutes or five hours.

I just didn't know nor cared. At some point I fell asleep and slipped onto my side.  Here it came!

Nightmares....A man inside me!  My stepfather slammed his giant fist into my head over and over. There is no control over panic or fear. In my dream, I curled up into a ball. My stepfather kicked me over and over along with K his new helper. This was a new addition to an old but powerful nightmare. The new feature in my dark dream. My eyes popped open and saw...nothing. Not even my hands in front of me.

My face was wet. I was crying. My feelings were back to my relief. Although I'm still separated somewhat from myself, I was, at least, coming back. I fell asleep again and this time, mercifully free of dreams.

The nightmare never goes away though...

This time, it's waiting for me to wake. Waiting to begin the struggle of being...or not being.