Barbara is eighty-five years old, and not at all well. It is likely she will not last much longer on this planet, as she is coping with congestive heart failure, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (badly affecting her lungs) and she is now facing complex kidney problems. She never complains.

She has not had an easy life, with a self-focussed husband who, last time she was in hospital for several weeks, did not visit her at all, because he “does not like hospitals”. In fact, he does not like people, and discourages those who visit her at home, claiming that she is “not well enough”.

She loves people and really comes alive when she has opportunity to go out and be with friends. Otherwise, she is trapped within the confines of her small, cluttered home, filled with bookshelves of his books and boxes of his things, hindering her progress with her walker or wheelchair. He will not move anything to make it easier for her. Enough said.

Her daughter suffers from severe and debilitating depression. She has always leaned heavily on her mother, emotionally, but has at least stepped up to take Barbara to her medical appointments.

Despite everything, Barbara remains cheerful and positive, and the medical staff love her because of her happy disposition and her thankfulness and gratitude for all they do for her. She remembers all their names and asks about people and events in their lives which they have shared with her while they were caring for her.

She endears herself to all who know her. In fact, to know her is to love her, with her ready smile, her words of encouragement to others, and … her happiness. She is a believer in Jesus, and is not intimidated or frightened by death, and was quite surprised that she did not die earlier in the year. She believes it was because her friends were praying for her.

Alice, a widow, was living independently until earlier this year. She is ninety-four, and despite chronic backache, some hearing loss, and other things normal for her age-group, she is in comparatively good health. Because of her memory gradually declining (with an impact on her medications, and various appointments) and because of the distance and time to visit her each week, her daughter Nell undertook some major home projects to make an independent bed-sitter for her mother, at her own house.

Alice now has a bedroom and ensuite, a kitchenette, and a living area, a private self-contained area within her daughter’s home. Nell has since worked on an outdoor porch so her mother can enjoy being outside in the garden enjoying the garden and birds and watching passers-by.

Nell moved into a significantly smaller bedroom and has a small home office for her work adjoining her mother’s area. Nell’s own physical condition is far from perfect, but she never complains.

Alice is not thankful or grateful. She constantly states that her area is “far too small” compared with what she had before, and insists that many of her things have been thrown out or stolen. She has, however, retained enough furniture and “things” to make her area cluttered, and despite assurances and reminders of where things are, she can never find anything “in this mess”. She doesn’t ask Nell for help and rarely looks for anything herself. She chooses not to go outside.

She is cranky about everything and everyone. She insists that she never sees anyone and just sits inside her bed-sitter all day, just waiting to die. She reads, does embroidery, number puzzles and other quiet activities. She has television and radio, of course. There are other things she could choose to do but does not. Nell looks after all her mother’s plants and medical appointments, her washing, and various other tasks. All taken for granted.

Her great-grandchildren who visit have been told they need to eat less, because they are too big, and that they cheat when rolling the dice in any games they play together. She now wonders why they don’t visit so much. She now says that no-one talks to her or visits her.

Alice declares she would rather be in a nursing home where they at least offer things to do, despite the fact that in her previous independent-living villa she never joined in any of the activities on offer at the Social Centre. In a nursing home she would have far less space, and there would be no room for any of her furniture or “precious things”. She would not want to leave her room to join in any activities. She would not be able to choose what to eat or when. There would be rotating staff to care for her basic needs.

She wants her privacy but resents the loss of control she used to have, asserting she is like a prisoner. That’s because Nell requires total privacy in her office during her work hours, and has asked her mother to let her know if she has visitors so she can work elsewhere and not risk outsiders in the next room hearing her private phone consultations or interviews. Alice insists her daughter will not tell her what to do.

The situation is going from bad to worse as the months progress.

Two different women, two very different attitudes and outlooks. They both retain the same personalities as they expressed when they were younger, but the individual characteristics and traits have become so much more exaggerated as they have aged. Totally divergent paths.

Sometimes my friends and I joke that we are now old enough to say and do what we want. Now I think that this is not necessarily a good idea. I don’t want that freedom. Freedom to hurt others? No, I only want freedom to love others.

It seems that the elements of our character that we have developed when younger will become stronger and more set in place as we age – both the positive and the negative traits. I fear becoming negative and critical as I get older and feeling free to express my opinion. I want to be willing to hold my tongue if all I can do is be hurtful with my words.

Barbara has always offered unconditional love and acceptance and has never let small annoyances hinder her happiness. Alice has only ever offered conditional love – if people and activities suited her.

Ageing is not for the faint-hearted, but at least we can be thankful to have had the privilege of growing old. Despite the weariness, and sometimes pain, or even dementia that might become my lot, my prayer is that I will be kind, gracious, thankful and grateful. I need to remember this daily NOW and keep practising forgiveness and love. I need to focus on being encouraging, thoughtful and prayerful NOW. I am not going to be different when I am older from what I am now. That is sometimes a scary thought.

My choices today determine who I am as a person, and who I will be … my thoughts become words, which become actions, which become habits, which become character.

We choose our life path, either of being self-centred or other-centred. Other-centred does not mean we do not accept ourselves, It's a case of "love your neighbour as yourself."

My future journey may not be easy, but I want to choose the way of love towards all, the way of respect and tolerance, the way of gratitude, to others and to God ….

“Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.” (Psalm 141:3)

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” 

 My prayer for today – yes, my prayer for every day.