In the previous chapter I mentioned my dreams. I don't remember when dreaming began but I know, until the day I visited the grave of my dear Pappy, my dreams were related to those mundane and run of the mill sort of events. I forgot them upon waking and did not make efforts to recall any of its contents, because most were tied to the issues arising out of my high school life. Then a strange thing occurred during my first visit to Pappy's grave. At that time, I then did not recognize its significance; in fact, it was a message from the beyond and I realized it's importance only after arriving to Meeker, Colorado, and sleeping with another woman on that very first night. Even today, after passing of several years that dream, I vividly remember. Let me describe you that episode of my visit to Pappy's grave and the first dream in the new town that I mentioned:

Let me remind you that scene of my very first visit to the grave with Mr. Roy. He had not accompanied me to the grave. He stayed in his truck and allowed me to be with Pappy in private. I don't know why, but then I just didn't have tears or sad feelings for the dead. My grandma passed away when I was 10 years and despite of her sentiments about the sin and all (that I wrote before), she had taken care of me kindly and thoughtfully. I did not love her as I did my Pappy but was grateful for the care. People came from her Church to express their condolences etc. And during the funeral ceremony also, I remained indifferent to her departure from my life. Perhaps, Pappy's love for me, made her to take the place of my mom rather than a foster mother. I am not sure, but her treatment of my mother may have had some impact upon my feelings towards her. When she died, I behaved as if my caregiver had quit and I was not grieving.

Pappy took over her chores and the life became a routine for both of us. The death of Pappy became sort of a second testing of my idiosyncrasy. Again, I was without a sense of loss of a beloved person who had so much impact on my life and development. High school psychologist had made an attempt to reach out to me as a routine requirement for bereavement of a family member of a student. She came over, tried to make me display my feelings like grief and all that mushy sentiments most normal individuals feel. Not finding any of that, she identified me as a teenage person, with possibility of developing the following:
Bi-Polar, on the Spectrum Autistic, and a Personality Recognition (Former, Multiple Personality) Disorder, in that order.

During my visit to grave, I don't remember praying or saying appropriate things that are generally spoken. I don't know how, but that moment, I felt connected with him as I was used to when he was alive. I had felt his departure while I was in the detention center. That moment at the grave, I entered in a silent communication with him and from nowhere a Raven flew in and landed on the Pappy's grave. Ravens are not common birds in our neighborhood on the Taylor Mountain, West Virginia. At that time, I did not pay attention to the bird's arrival or its meaning.

That night and several other nights following, I dreamt being in the bosom of Mother Nature. In the most dreams, I found myself alone happily wandering in the pristine valleys with wilderness abound and, in each location, I found that Raven sitting nearby. No dream was complete without it, and the bird always hung around me but never upon my person. That bird had a unique personality, and I could identify it with its behavior. It would not eat or drink; just keep its rotating eye on me.

The first encounter of a sexual nature that occurred while sleeping with Candy, which I described in the previous chapter, gave me that the experience of a dream like vision, and it shook my soul. Like all the other dreams I was in the natural, isolated forests and a gentle river flowing passively touching the rocks and the Water Lilies. In that dream, in the midst of the gentle flow, I was standing up to my west, naked and the water caressing my legs and touching Vulva and Labia Majora giving me that euphoric sensation. I stood in that position and from the depth a Nymph like creature rose within inches of me. Her radiant face was half covered by wet blond hair cascading over her visage. Her ample, round and firm breast were contrasting with barely rising spots on my chest. Her appearance in a slim and smooth body depicted a celestial birth of an exquisite female; something like in the painting--The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli. In comparison, with a muscular and solid figure, I became a Greek mythological figure.

The dramatic scene appeared like a prediction of a union of a divine man and a woman about to happen in my dream world. Progressing to the next frame of that dream, I, as a Greek Titan 'Memnon', was holding in my arms --her: The Titanesses 'Eos.' and as soon as our lips locked the 'Psychopomps' --The Raven, flew in from the deep blue yonder, descended and landed on my head.

At that moment I woke up and realized that we were in an embrace and it was I who was holding Candy in my arms, and with lips locked firmly. I think her kissing that woke me. That was awakening of me: in a real and also Metaphysical sense. She remained motionless upon me, in my gentle hold. I do not have recollection of how that happened or who initiated it. All I remember that there was a realization of some pleasant and euphoric feeling rising in the lowest part of my spine and traveling through my body, reaching to the inner part of my brain.

There was a spiritual uplifting in the realm of body-less existence; a sensation of floating in the air with a Raven flying with us. Then I was a fifteen-year-old, about to be entering in the sweet sixteen year in few weeks. I already had maturity of a person with awareness of adulthood and a matured sense of what the life of an adult Gender Identity Disorder person going to be. Love! Was that amorous interlude, an introduction to love? An unknown commodity for one who did not get to experience it at birth, nor during the childhood or while going through the puberty, had visited me on that fateful dawn, and that too in a place not of my choosing but that of destiny? Is this what Nietzsche called, 'Amor Fati' in German meaning love for the fate? I did not know then, nor I have found its true meaning yet, and I am at midlife period. I guess, each has to find own meaning about the fate and destiny. No point in discussing the famous former philosophers and the experts who claim they have understood their points of views.

That down of summer, was a new beginning and that moment of experiencing intimacy and the joy of someone wanting me as I was born, was overwhelming. I was neither a child nor a grown person and only way I knew how to handle those feelings was to equate the experienced sexual pleasures with those rise in an adolescent's mind from the events like getting to go to the County fair with Mr. Roy and come home with a satisfaction of enjoying the rides, hot dogs, and the Cotton-Candy.

The dream I alluded to before, I could not understand at that day, but later in life, at a mature age and in another scenario, I recalled that dream and realized my transformation. That very first lovemaking act introduced me to the capabilities of my body and soul's ability to love. It was my rebirth; old me born in a loveless circumstance had disappeared and the destiny had reassembled me. From that day I began the journey like a Monarch does after freeing itself from her cocoon.

Candy and I bonded with deep love and became the bosom bodies, we shared our feelings and thoughts and came to know each other intimately. For the first time I was learning the rules and techniques of relationship building and moved towards my mom in a kind and understanding ways. New me pleased her very much. How ironical it was! We two --a mother and a child, both sharing experiences of rejections, never bothered to make efforts to come near. Mom had her reasons, and mine you already know.

We moved in our home in two weeks after cleaning and fixing that house I called, 'Barn' in a contemptuous manner was completed. I got my own bedroom and a stand-up shower in it and Anton moved in with mom at the other end of the large house, closer to a shack outside, which became a repair shop for the Tractors and other farming equipment. Until then, for two weeks Candy and I enjoyed our love-pad and I learned lot about myself and her and to some extent understood the behaviors of my high school classmates who, perhaps had same feelings about me but did not know how to make me understand.

To me, Candy was like Madam Bovary, Kitty O'Hara, two I was attracted to while reading those novels, both appeared to me as wrapped up in her body, and to Candy, I was Captain Butler and all other fictitious heroes of Barbara Cartland's romantic novels which I introduced to her. At night, we both read those novels together and imagined the time and era of romantic interludes of European origins. We acted out those roles as if we were in those novels. I began to shave of my protective mask and the stoic layers and became easy to communicate person in just two weeks. Amazing fact of life is, one person, an event, or an episode of right kind, makes or mars a personality. I never in my life gave up on the optimism, without losing my logical and practical approach to life; I never forgot Pappy's stories of brave Airmen and Soldiers and their perseverance and courage in face of dangers. I only combined the two and it became a citadel of my values, the sense of being who I am, and acceptance of my role in this world of religion defined gender identifications.

Today, I know who I am, and had been; don't need the politicians and Bible towing other power brokers to tell me who I am not.
After moving in, we three picked up the baggage of individual life from where we had left it before embarking on this journey. I felt light as good chunk of that West Virginia mental baggage I had discarded with help from Candy. Destiny has, as it appears, own plans for all involved in this unfolding story of an outcast individual. Anton being a mechanic, started his late uncle's repair shop right behind his bedroom. The shack perhaps was a storage place for equipment, and it was at the bottom end of the sloping dirt road. At the higher end, away from the broken wooden door of the workshop, there was a man-made mount about five feet tall and it looked like a Mesa, with a flat top.
Mom found a waiter's job at the same diner we eat upon arrival where we had met Candy, the policewoman. It didn't take much time or efforts on her part to find a niche in that rural society and accepted the life given to her.

My papers from school arrived at the Rio Blanco County's Department of Education along with my Personality Evaluation Report from the High School Psychologist. That sealed my fate when it came to how I was to continue my education. Fortunately, I received a new evaluation and by then, with the relationship with Candy and her coaching of how to answer questions for giving a positive impression to authority, I was prepared and did aced the interviews. I impressed everyone with my knowledge of literature and the command on English. It all ended in putting me in the 12th grade again but in a remote learning program for home-bound students. I was delighted to stay away from other students of one and only high school. In a week, my home schooling began and a woman in her mid-thirties started the process of my education.

For a while, my dreams ceased to link me with the wilderness and Raven disappeared altogether. Candy knew my routine and we continued the relationship by sleepovers and going out to the isolated places on the rivers and taking skinny-dips. First time in my life, I was happy and began to laugh and joke. Mom too was happy, and hopeful that Anton will propose her, and she would settle down, happy in a barn looking house, and forgotten dreams of a suburban life.

Six months passed and we were at the end of a harsh winter and farmers were preparing for the sowing and other activities. Anton was making money as he was the only independent repairman in the county and was able to get the repair done quickly. Tractors, Harvesters and the other paraphernalia arrived and left after the repairs. I watched him driving the tractors on the flat top in front of his workshop and park there to load it in the truck parked on the other side of that hump.

Anton never used to look at me as if I was an ugly sight or a nuisance not to deal with. Lately, I caught him watching me discretely. In the beginning, I ignored it and did not think much about it. Then I began to think about the timing of his behavior and realized that he was trying to fish for clues about my relationship with Candy. He did try to seduce her, but it did not go too far when she told him outright to go somewhere else, or....

Her wearing uniform also intimidated him; perhaps he expected that she may have a policeman boyfriend, and they could begin looking at his past and the immigration status. With me in his control, he thought there was a way to get even with Candy, if only he could make me talk. He was suspicious about her spending so much of her free time with me and it didn't escape his attention that on the night of arrival, Candy and I had shared a bed. Each time Candy came to visit me during her day patrol, he would stand outside the workshop to watch her leaving. We both became alarmed by his unwanted attention and became cautious about how we acted when he was around and eventually, she stopped coming over except to pick me up.
One afternoon after my teacher left, I got out my bedroom and went out to take a walk around the house. I had made many changes in my appearance and began wearing sport pants with elastic west band and a lose sweater, rather than the standard blue jeans and a short sleeve top. I was thinking of how to celebrate my 16th birthday coming in two weeks. As I waked towards the house, I saw Anton parking a MacChormick International Tractor on the hump which he had been repairing since morning. He parked the machine facing directly towards the shade. From the spot I was standing, I could see a Harvester sheering plow inside the shade. It was jacked up in the front with two small hydraulic jacks and in the rear, it precariously resting on the cinder blocks. Apparently, he was going to remove the blades for sharpening or repairs. When he noticed me watching his activities while coming towards the house, and when I came within his proximity, he addressed me in a nasty voice:

"What the fuck you are wandering around for? Coming from a licking that bitch?"

I was not prepared for such verbal attack to give him a suitable answer. For some time, I was feeling tension building between us. Over several weeks since Candy told him to go fuck himself, he would get in a bad mood whenever he saw me. In some odd way, he sensed the intimacy in our relation.

Anton never discussed anything with my mom except money and budgets. She too was happy with her life outside the house and didn't care about my life at all. Those two were like business partners working independently for mutual benefits. Mom needed security and stability and he needed a housekeeper and a woman to sleep with. They never argued or quarreled. Just a relationship of convenience, like those of European Royalties. She had shelved her dreams or may have even given them up all together. I never asked her anything and got used to being a non-descriptive person. After Candy coming in my life, I preferred that the arrangement to stays that way. That afternoon things suddenly changed catastrophically for me.

I ignored his remarks about our relationship and started walking toward the house without as much as looking at him. I wanted the security of my bedroom; fear of something going to happen rose in me. I had never seen a vicious face as I saw that moment but did not expect any physical contact. He never attempted that sort of relationship with mom or me since I came to live with mom. I felt safe with him. He was always doing something without as much as throwing a glance at me. I thought, in his mind I was a ghost--a spirit without a body.

My ignoring his crude remark infuriated him and in a swift move he grabbed me by putting me in a body lock and dragged me in the shade. The whole action happened so quickly that I could not prevent it. Next thing he did was pressed my face against the wall, pulled my pants and panty down and before I could realize, I felt a savage jab into my vagina, and I screamed. In that fifteen-twenty minutes assault, I had lost my virginity.

"This is what fucking is; you nasty cunt sucker; it's a man's job; now go, get washed and if you like it, come back, I am here for you."

Then he went back of the shed to clean himself and I walked out and went to my bedroom to clean myself and the dirty underclothing.

There was nothing in that savage act that any female or male could possibly enjoy. In most cases, it generates a deep-rooted fear, sense of vulnerability and an impotent hate; but to many others, it becomes that smoldering anger for forcibly taking the precious sense of self-esteem, and ownership of the body. That's what happened to me.

I went in the house and called mom. I told her what Anton had done. For several minutes, she said nothing. I could only hear her heavy breathing. Finally, I said to her,

"Mom, I am calling Candy and report the crime."

"Oh no; don't do that; we will sort it out when I come home; we can't afford to lose house and be on our own. Did you do something to get him exited? In any case, it was bound to happen sooner or later; at least it is him; better than some unknown person. Let me handle it."

I couldn't believe my ears but then, perhaps she was thinking of her own experience at the same age and how that that has affected our lives. The ground reality of financial dependence has shown again and again that the dependent individuals lose their precious assets-the freedom. They lose control over their choice to choose how should they live. Sadly, often many do it willing and chose to live a defeated and disgraceful slave's life with the tyrants. All out of fear of uncertain future they imagine to be more horrible than the present existence. I felt her anguish and understood the reasons she chose that path.

However, that logical approach failed to reign in the raging demon of revenge in me. How could he dare to use a brute force? Had me made attempt to seduce me and with my permission, taken me, it is possible I may have gone along with it out of juvenile curiosity about sexual act. Most young high school girls and boys did it and bragged around me to humiliate me for no one wanting to take my virginity.

I was punished for an act of excessive violence then should this act of violence go unpunished? I didn't think so. One thing I remembered from my interview with the psychoanalyst after my beating Walter and the attest, was, his remarks about my second personality; one that possesses uncontrollable urge to punish the perpetrator who initiates the attack. That afternoon, sitting in my bedroom, without getting support from mom or any other professional entity, that dormant me began to occupy my thoughts and psyche.

Kali, that Hindu goddess in her terrible form with blood dripping from her mouth and a cut off head of Shiva in other hand, is a metaphoric statement of a divine female power rising for the protection of the righteous virtues of women. Presented in that incarnated form to vanquish the ego-driven world of male dominance and destroy the enslavement of women, and others. Her spirit entered in me and I was the Kali came alive to destroy Anton the demon. Candy's lover had vanished in the depth of same subconscious it had arrived from. The metamorphosis was complete, and I came out of the shower with the volcanic anger. I had experienced it when the fight with Walter happened almost a year ago. That insanity of getting even, came alive. Once the burning lava of vengeance for wrong done begins to flow unchecked by the wisdom and reasoning, there is no stopping or telling what it is going to destroy.

In minutes the new personality took over my recent, loving psyche that was in its infancy. The newly acquired feelings of tenderness and freedom of laughing and joking had vanished, and By the time I went outside and stood on the doorway, that old personality had completely manifested, and revenge became the only driving force.

Does the diabolic personality appear out of some hidden vault of mind when triggered by an event of violence? I don't know, but I believe there is a hidden link to our base instincts that makes a mild and docile human resort to a senseless savagery that does not exists anywhere in the nature.

From the porch I saw Anton sprawled on the shop floor with his right hand extended under the Harvester and head almost touching the inside of the jack holding it about 10 inches higher. I looked at the other end of the road and saw that big MacChormic International parked for loading. With stealth I went and released the handbrake, locked the front wheels and steering straight, then moved behind the tractor, kicked the wooden chalks from rear wheels, and with all my body weight shoved the tractor down towards the shade. The groves formed by the giant wheels of machines on the dirt road, facilitated the straight-line movement.

Before Aron could realize what was happening, the tractor picked up the speed and slammed directly in the rear of that machine. A loud, blood curling scream got muffled by the loud crash of the entire Harvester. From my place, I saw his lifeless arm sticking out of the machine but couldn't see his face as his head was buried in the pile of metal part. I rushed to the shade, climbed up on the tractor, started and moved it back to its original place. I then cut the engine and put the chalks back on the rear wheels. Then I walked to the shade and closed the front wooden door and went back to my bedroom.

Without an ounce of regret or remorse, went to sleep with a satisfaction of teaching a lesson to that creep who was planning to hurt my beloved Candy by raping me and take my love away; I couldn't think of my life without her and with that the new me died with Anton and old me, with the stoic mask of dead conscious stood up. The darkness of that cosmic black hole proportion; a void, that love had no means to fill became my world.
I am not sure how long I slept, but a loud noise from the door woke me up. I went out to answer and found old farmer waiting on the porch.
"Where is your father? He is going to help me in loading tractor on my truck."
I replied:
"He ain't my father and he could be in the workshop. Just holler at him; he may be asleep."
"I did that, and pushed that door in; it is not opening; not budging an inch."

"Well, it opens out, you need to pull, in any case if he didn't answer, then he must have gone to get parts or something." I replied without looking at his face.

"What sort of stupid thing to do; he knowed I have to have tractor before sun set; I can't see very well after dark and I told him that" Old man continued grumbling.
"I don't have time to waste now, sowing has to start, and I haven't even started plowing."

"Maybe I can help you to load it." I offered my services.

With a doubtful look, he agreed, and I reversed the tractor in his pickup. I had watched Anton doing that many times and the old man with his tractor disappeared in the cloud of dry dust.
I went in and began working on the math homework until mom showed up. She came straight to my bedroom and I got out of the chair. Mom hugged me and held me to her heart. Then she wiped her eyes and sat on the bed. I said nothing; I couldn't. The stream of empathy that had begun to flow because of Candy's love, had dried up and the hardness of my heart was completed. Frankly, at that moment I just wanted to be left alone; I definitely did not need her. There was nothing she could offer me that I would want to take and keep it with me for life. Even Candy's image and memories were fading from my fast-closing mind.
I don't know if I subconsciously communicated my feelings to mom. She silently walked out of my room. I heard her walking out of the door and I returned to my bed and fell in the bed with eyes closed. I did not have any idea what was happening around me; I was dead to the world. My love appeared to have evaporated in thin air. It must have been an hour or so and I heard someone entering the house.

In few minutes one deputy came in my bedroom. Quickly he scanned the room and said:

"I am sorry to tell you that your dad has died; it looks like an accident in the garage."

"I acted like a shocked child, and fell back on the bed, pretending to have passed out. In few minutes EMS folks came in and began reviving me. It did not take much for me to come around. They gave me a pill and liquid to drink it with, I took it and pretended to have swallowed but spat it out in a tissue as soon as they left. In a short time, Candy came in and held me to her heart. All others left us alone for doing the police work outside and we were alone in the room. Slowly she let go of me and spoke in a subdued voice:

"Do you have anything to do with this? I know you were pissed off at him because of he made moves on me. Tell me now; I may guide you in case there is a police investigation. Don't hide anything from the law; I have read your psychological profile data from West Virginia. I know how angry you can get."
Listening to her speech, I did what I was told to do by Ms. Holland. I played possum in front of a law officer. I said to her:
"What are you babbling about? How am I going to do anything to him or anybody? I don't know where that accident took place. I have not left the room since my teacher left."

She did not say anything as a reaction to my speech but said:
"That looks like an accident, and it has happened in the shade, and it was discovered by your mother when she went to see if he was still working and found him trapped under the machine he was repairing. There is evidence of impact by something on the Harvester while it was on the jacks and that appeared to have caused it to fall off the rear supporting blocks and that seems to be the cause of death; the autopsy off course will give the final cause, but at this point, it appears to be a possible homicide. There are tractor tire marks indicating someone reversing it from the shed. There will be a full investigation when specialist arrive from the police lab."

My mind had already began preparing an alibi. Knowing that the old farmer may come in the picture, I decided to tell Candy a partial truth about the tractor. I replied:
"Yes, I drove that tractor from the workshop door to the mount for loading in the pickup parked on the other side of it. Anton was not home, and the old farmer began bothering me, so I drove it up the road and loaded it o his truck; does that make me a suspect?"

I was now relying an inquiry conducted by a policewoman and not my lover. Ms. Holland's advice was fresh in my mind. Speak truth that does not incriminates you; you have a protection of the 5th Amendment. Do not volunteer any information that has not been approved by your attorney. I clamped down and closed my eyes.

Candy then moved upon my torso and cupped my face in her hands and kissed me. Then she whispered in my ear:
"Your mom told me what he did to you this afternoon. It was your good luck that she spoke to me first and I stopped her from including it in her statement to anyone. Until a need for a defense attorney arises, this information need not be given. You are not a suspect at this moment. And until that happens, then the accused person's statement will include the details. For now, you are the last and only person who saw him alive. There was no other person on the property. Do not mention you driving the tractor up that mound unless directly asked.

There is another thing; I found a paper towel in the bathroom that has a smell of sperms and seminal fluid protein. Did you wash your cloth? If not, do it now. I am worried about all this. Apart from the criminal problems, there are financial problems arising and your mom is worried stiff what will happen. She is not his wife, and I don't think Anton made a will giving her any resources. I will do what I can; I am also duty bound. Whatever happens after tonight, we will not be seeing each other until this affair is settled. I will avoid meeting you outside my police duties.

Be strong and remember, I love you with all my heart; you must know that and don't let any adverse event that may try to take you back to that personality I found you with when we met the first time. I am recusing myself from the investigation as a family friend. Our love for each other must win; don't leave me. Here, take this pill as soon as you wake up; it's the 'night-after' pill for conception avoidance; a protection from unwanted pregnancy. Don't forget, and do not tell any soul about this talk; your and my life depends on this pill and what happens to you. I am praying for you. Don't let that demon return, we have to have life together."

For the last time she kissed my lifeless lips and walked out of my holographic paradise in Meeker, Colorado.