The scene: Doreen has sued Dale for the loss of affections. Dale has counter-sued for the same. The Prosecuting Attorney being a distant cousin to both Dale and Doreen, the case is heard in criminal court as if grand larceny.

We pick up the jury trial after the jurors are sworn in and opening statements have been made. The witness questioning has already begun. As initial plaintiff, Doreen is in the witness chair being cross-examined by Dale’s lawyer.

“Doreen, may I call you Doreen? Thank you. Doreen, you’ve testified that getting Fido was your husband Dale’s idea. Is that right?”

“Yes. He wanted a good reason to exercise. You see …”

“Thank you, Doreen. And you stated that Dale has taken … more or less you said, if I recall correctly, pretty much equal responsibility for Fido’s care. Is that right?”

“Yes. Dale’s been very good about that. In fact, …”

“Thank you, Doreen. Doreen, you testified that things changed after about a year, that Dale lost … I think you said interest in you. You went on to describe measures you took to determine the cause including dietary issues and even visits to the doctor’s office. Is that right?”

“Yes. Brussel sprouts, asparagus and oysters three and four times a week. And the doctor …”

“Thank you, Doreen. Doreen, where did Fido sleep, or rest, in the evening hours between supper and say, bedtime?”

“On the recliner between me and Dale.”

“I’m confused. The three of you in one recliner?”

“It’s a double recliner. Like two, but connected and only arms on the outside and …”

Thank you, Doreen. And where did Fido sleep …”

“Objection, Your Honor. This was not covered in direct. The question is not allowed in cross.” Doreen’s attorney fairly snarled at Dale’s attorney. “The defense can make his case with his own witness.”

“Sustained. Continue counselor,” the judge said to Dale’s attorney.

“No further questions for this witness, You Honor.”

“Your Honor,” Doreen’s lawyer began, “the plaintiff rests her case.”

After a recess, Dale’s attorney called Dale to the witness seat to begin both his defense and to attempt to prove his case against Doreen.

“Dale,” the lawyer began, “Whose idea was it to get Fido?”

“Initially mine, but Doreen bought in quickly. She saw value in having a companion when I worked long hours and when I had to travel. In fact, she named him.” Dale smiled toward Doreen.

“Tell us about the recliner situation. What’s that all about?”

“Well, you understand, Fido is a Golden Retriever, red with soft, tight curls on his …”

Doreen was smiling at Dale.

“Yes, Dale, a Golden.” Along with hand gestures the attorney encouraged Dale to respond more directly to the question.

“Fido curled between us. I would pet his head and every time Doreen pet his back Fido would jerk and well … it was disturbing, disruptive to both reading, or television viewing.”

“And now tell us about the sleeping arrangements. Did anything happen to change your and Doreen’s relationship, say … about a year ago?”

“Sure did. We were, Doreen and I, making love, as we did several …”

“Yes Dale, but did anything …”

“Fido bit me. This time we were pretty energetic, and kind of loud. Fido jumped on the bed and bit me right through the sheet! I mean … I didn’t have to go to the hospital, but it put a stop to … well, you get my meaning.”

“Yes. And after that incident?”

“A couple days later I had to fly to New York. When I got back, Fido’s sleeping place was right in the middle of our bed, between myself and Doreen. Usually with Doreen’s fingers into Fido’s curls.”

“Thank you, Dale. I have no further questions.

At that point, Doreen’s attorney began cross-examining Dale.

“Dale, it was your decision, initially to get the dog.” Doreen’s attorney continued quickly before Dale could respond to the non-question. “It was for Doreen to have a companion. Isn’t that what you testified?”

“Yes, but …”

“Thank you, Dale. Dale, let’s move on to the recliner. What was it like before Fido joined the two of you, yourself and Doreen?”

“We would hold hands.”

“A lot?”

“I’d say. At least 90-95% of the time.” Dale and Doreen smiled at each other.

“And Fido’s head was in your lap?” After Dale’s positive response, he continued. “Now, the bed. When you returned from New York and learned that Fido’s place was between you and Doreen. What did you do?”

“Well, at first we tried to make him stay outside our room, putting his cushion bed outside the door.” Anticipating the next question, Dale continued. “When that didn’t work due to his whining, we moved his bed to the floor beside our bed. That didn’t work because he just jumped up on the bed.”

“Dale, how much do you weigh?”

“Your Honor?” Dale’s attorney pleaded.

“Over-ruled. You may answer the question.”

“About 185.”

“And Fido?”

“About 40.”

“Uh-huh.” Doreen’s attorney, feeling his point made to the jury, moved on.

“Dale, besides your failed attempt to ban Fido from the bedroom, what else have you done to remedy the … uh, problem?”

“Objection Your Honor. Dale isn’t on trial for what he didn’t do.”

“Oh?” Doreen’s attorney said just before formally withdrawing the question and ending his cross-examination.

Dale’s attorney had another question for Dale. “Dale, before you bought your double recliner, what did you and Doreen sit on?”

“We have a sofa. We would sit beside one another on the sofa.” Dale and Doreen smiled at one another.

“Would there be room for Fido on either side of the two of you?”

Dale thought a moment. “Sure.”

“Thank you. No more questions.”

“We call Doreen back to the witness box, Your Honor,” Dale’s attorney declared.

“Doreen, how smart is Fido?”

“Oh, Fido’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen. He …”

“Thank you, Doreen. Would you say that Fido could be … clever?”

Doreen thought a moment. “Clever?”

“Yes, Doreen. Is Fido clever enough to play one owner against the other?”

“Oh sure. He gets treats from me, and then …”

“Thank you, Doreen. Could Fido learn to use a cage to sleep?”

“Sure. He used the cage every night when he was a puppy. For house training, you understand.” Doreen stopped before Dale’s attorney could silence her. She and Dale smiled at one another.

“Now the sleep cushion …”

Anticipating the question, Doreen leaped. “We have one in every room. Fido likes to be in …”

“Thank you, Doreen. Doreen, who put a cushion in your bedroom?”

Doreen began to speak, but midway into the first syllable, she clamped her mouth closed.

Choosing not to force the obvious response, Dale’s attorney closed his case, leaving the decision of fault for the couple’s loss of intimacy to the jury.

As Dale rose from the witness stand, he and Doreen made eye contact, both smiling. Offering her signature wink, Doreen noticed a distinctive, familiar wiggle behind Dale’s zipper.

The jury returned their unanimous verdict without ever leaving the jury box.