Perfect query letter.

Rolling Stone Magazine

Mr. Jann Wenner

212 4841616

1290 Avenue of the Americas

NY. NY. 10104

Dear Jann:

C/O Sportswriter Desk

Although we haven't formally met, I've taken the liberty to assume we share similar viewpoints, at least on a broader scale, which is not to say just because I've read your rag - along with the Mother Earth News and Tom Wolfe's, 'I am Charlette Simmons' that I claim a kindred soul-seat in God's choir.

I just want to qualify my position in proximity to another Sportswriter (bless his soul) who, in past years, caused you some degree of alarm. However, I cannot help but think that sort of alarm is much like what a drifting man hanging onto a piece of flotsam would experience in the dark of the night after a series of unchecked, or at the very least identified as being not that serious, leaks have filled the bilge of a Great Luxury Liner causing it to slip irreversibly beneath the surface of the sea.

And, just when Drifting Man thought the night could not get any darker, the sea any colder and the waves any more intrusive, THE LIGHT, yes, that brilliant 500 million mega-watt search light scanning from the bow of a Coast Guard drug interceptor, flashes in his eyes and threatens to burn a hole in his retina.

Yes, that kind of alarm!

By God, Drifting Man has been saved! But by what?

Please, don't infer I was demeaning HIM. The last thing I want to do is irk his ire or goad him into some sort of battle over authorship and sole interpretation of the Truth. Let's face it, this galaxy has plenty of room for conjecture. I can't help it if some have claimed patents.

That's their problem.

But I do have to say that I believe your good editor: Sid York, and his most pleasant assistant: Shawn Dahl, overlooked some basic nuances in my submitted short story: Cooking in Cancun. Those same nuances that have caused heads to turn in the past and, indeed, are turning now... ,

Well, you know what I mean.

Perhaps, I erred in presenting the premise too succinctly. After all, who in their right mind would print anything written by a middle-aged ex-barista whose writing portfolio is limited to a cute smiley face on a double-cinnamon-mocha recyclable cup?

Barista? Yes, I suppose it's a given popular opinion that baristas have had limited exposure to the real world. Granted, some are dumber than rocks, but others know how to rock. And I mean really Rock, as in Rock and Roll on down the tequila highway, heh.heh.heh….

Now, Please don't get me wrong. I know truth is where you find it. And I would not ever claim authorship. I just think all the places have not been examined. Not just yet anyway. And, if they have, so what. Let's incite a crowd to track the numbskulls down who claim to have been there before us and mash their fingers with a waffle iron.

And that's pretty much why I've written to you directly. Even though I've yet to have been employed by the New Yorker, I've managed to lay claim to assistant shift manager of a big box store, remembering how it is I got here.

Yesterday was a long time ago, at least rhetorically. Still, it certainly is not so long ago that I can't recall all the nooks, crannies, and steps I took to be at this place at this time.

"Cooking in Cancun" is, I admit, a feeble first attempt. Ok, I hedged a few bets. Playboy, of all publications, didn't like sexual coffee innuendo. But there is more, so much more. I have, by the way, kept copious notes, as we all should. Unfortunately, I only have a flip phone, and I couldn't afford a photographer, much less a camera. So, I apologize that there are no salacious photos of baristas gone wild. Perhaps you could send me to next year's 'Barista Awards' as an undercover reporter with a camera. I'm sure your readers would appreciate a cover photo.

So, if you're not interested in "CIC" in its raw form, perhaps I could entice you with an outline or premise on an inside look at DYI big box stores from a unique perspective: Wally Worlds Magical Mystery Tour. Yes, I agree, it is a horrible title and is not one I would eagerly use, but what the hades, it gives you an idea, don't you think?

And why now? Why not! I would not be writing to you if it had not been for an energetic big box associate I met when first employed as a night stocker. Oh, the team building and encouragement skills I learned my first night. I wasn’t perfect by any means.  Being middle aged has some benefits as I’m sure you know; remediation is expected, and I paid very close attention.

Well, Jann - or Mr. Wenner, I guess it all depends if you're going to sign a check or not..

Please review for publication the enclosed MS: Cooking in Cancun.

I do sincerely thank you for your time, and I hope to share a shot bottle of tequila with you sometime in the future, heh, heh, heh….

Until then,

Vaya con Dios.

Hillary Diane Quixote

2023 Esquela del Camino

Overlook Mountain, AZ.