Suddenly I was awake
I knew I wasn't in my bed in my room. My head was swimming in mud, I couldn't get my eyes open. So I listened to the room around me. I could hear bells and dinging sounds. The smell of antiseptic was thick in the air. And then it all came barrelling back. I was in the hospital ICU. My eyes snapped open and immediately my mind was bombarded by a fast-running film that was plunging full tilt across my mind's eye! Fast-motion scenes of people, places, things and even animals! Bright colours, shining bright colours! I didn't understand what was going on. And then there it was showing itself, a series of events that brought me here.

I saw myself with a Bacardi and 7, handfuls of pills one after the other. The 3rd handful was the last thing I recall...except the despair. The deep crippling despair that brought me to my knees.
I open my eyes....like a snap the movie in my mind began to fast forward. Flashing, flashing quicker and faster faces people, places animals objects and things I've never seen before. There was nothing I could do to stop it. It was going to play out whether I liked it or not.
I knew it I was being rushed along almost faster than I could go.
I panicked and thought to myself," Oh Jesus I fucked up my brain big time!" "I've done it! I've messed up things forever and I'm just gonna be a no mind for the rest of my days!
I had no control and felt the movie is going to go on! It felt as though I was gonna go flying off into the abyss and that would be the end of me! I panicked and screamed out in my head as loud as I could "Stop!!"
And it stopped... the movie was still there but as if on pause and was just like the whole room of people suddenly looked up at me at once. I thought to myself "There's no way I'm telling the doctor about this! No freaking way! They will lock me up forever and that'll be it for me, I'll be done. Cooked!"

All this in a mere few seconds. It set my heart to thumpin' hard. Then I heard, "Oh look, sleeping beauty's awake" I looked up and saw the slightly bored expression of the ICU nurse. Glancing around I could see tubes from every portion of my body. In the crooks of my arms, the backs of my hands, both sides of my neck. Don't know about the tubes going under the blanket. I wasn't quite sure what they did. And the worst, of course, was the tube in my chest helping me breath

The sensation was terrible and I could feel panic rise in me again. I kept pointing to the tube I'm looking at the nurse and finally, she came and removed it in what seemed like forever. Once I was released from the straps, I badly needed to use the toilet or so I thought. I didn't think to say anything. So I just hopped up to go and said nothing else when the nurse raised her voice to me. "Ma'am, I told you not to get out of bed!" As I landed on the floor. I couldn't walk you see. Much of what I did before I couldn't do but mostly it was about walking. Back into the bed, we went a trusty bed Pan to boot. Innately I knew always, in the corner of my mind, I'm aware of the movie that wants to start playing again. Great, great, great, just great. This is great! Yeah, fruit cake isle 7 is right behind the nuts! We've lost it. We have lost it for sure! The brain's mush... it's official.
I'll fake my way out of here and go live in the forest. No one will have to listen to me lose it. Whatever it was in my head, it waited respectfully for me to watch the film once more.

It wasn't long before the doctor came to see me. He wanted to talk about the events that led up to this. No matter the story, despair is despair and when you feel as if there's nothing left you're family is gone, your friends are dying and a lousy genetic defect affecting the
balance of chemicals in your mind causes me to have this terrible depression and if you combine it with outside influences it becomes tenfold. I hung on as long as I could and as best as I could and then...... I couldn't.

The doctor moving briskly as they do nowadays. Not enough medical staff to be had so he quickly ran through his notes. "When you came in, you weren't in good shape. We had to intubate you and do chest compressions to bring you back". And I said, "Bring me back? How long was I gone?" Doc said, "You were non-responsive for one minute and 9 seconds.
You're lucky to be here." The doctor pushed his glasses back up on his nose and said, "Let's not do that again OK? And walked out of the room.

The next few days, I learned how to get in and out of my bed again using my legs and a walker. I thought, if I could make it to the bathroom all on my own, I was good to go....not.

Since I woke up I had this feeling of being crowded. That I was in a room full of people that were all pressing up against me. Always, out the side of my eye, somebody was there with me, all the time walking with me. Finally, the day came when they put me in a regular ward deemed well enough to come out of the place where people die.

I was getting used to that ever-present feeling of someone with me and sometimes the feeling of an overcrowded room. I would see someone right out the side of my eye and Just flip right out of my vision before our eyes made contact. Whatever it was in my head it waited respectfully for me to watch the film once more.

I attributed it all to my growing list of proof that I was going nuts. Inside my head, I pulled out a chalkboard and wrote nuts or not nuts columns. The nuts column is winning.
To a regular ward, I went into an area where a middle-aged man sat watching TV and a large old lady holding a mug of tea.....just sort of standing there when the loudest fart, I mean the largest fart I've ever heard in my life blasted out. I swear it shook the building!

I tapped the man on his shoulder and I said, "Oh God, did hear that? That was the loudest fart I've ever heard in my life! That's a serious trumpet ass!! Better open a window! The lady didn't seem to mind and just kept on sipping her tea. The man sitting below me said, "Which old lady?"The one over there having tea." He said, "I don't see anyone there." Then the colour drained from his face and then mine turned pasty white. He said, "My mother had these terrible farts every morning like clockwork. She would wake up in the morning, let out a huge fart and demand tea"."But my mother's been gone for 6 months." I looked up and the old lady was gone... The man began to cry and I was mortified. Angry with myself that I upset this man. So I ran down the hall to my room pushing My walker ahead of me, pulled the door shut, sat down on the bed and I cried. I cried for two reasons. One because I hurt this man and two in relief because it was the first time I could put a mark on my chalkboard that said, not nuts. I was eventually sent home from the hospital and still, now and again I get a signpost along the way that lets me know I'm not nuts.

I'm not sure what in my mind speaks to me but we'll see. Until then the chalkboard in my head is still on duty...

Some might call it a gift but, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that out...