Fanstory Group Hug

Recently I entered a contest called Forgiveness, which was developed by the talented Terry Broxson. I used the contest as an opportunity to write about my failure to forgive my birth father for a myriad of bad behaviors and inexcusable actions. My entry was called Magnum PI Was My Dad.

I stated from the onset that I wasn’t concerned about the contest results and was seeking advice to help me deal with my failure to forgive, which I feel as a Christian is a sin. I was startled by the outpouring of support, commiseration, and advice that I received from writers on this site.

Many authors went above and beyond the 150-character requirement, writing pages of advice and encouragement. I think that using the review function of the site to assist a fellow writer who is struggling with an issue showed an incredible level of compassion and character. I wanted to write this article as a thank you to those who took the time to share their stories and advice.

There were a couple of themes that really stuck out to me. First, there are many survivors of abusive parents and stepparents. This is not an uncommon issue. Second, many people are still dealing with the forgiveness issue, as am I. Third, most agree that writing about these things is therapeutic, and is a great first step in the process of forgiveness.

Obviously, I can’t share everything that was written, so I thought that I would share some of the things that I found key from some of the awesome reviewers that helped me out. I put some of the comments in bold that really hit me.

LJbutterfly felt that forgiveness is between God and I and that it will take a major burden off my shoulders if I can achieve it.

Barbara Wilkey relayed that forgiving releases emotional baggage and if I ask God for help, then He will.

John Ciarmello felt that forgiveness is impossible to achieve as we are simply human beings. As Christians, we are told to emulate Him and follow in the footsteps of His divinity. Also, some folks have to be taught by example, and perhaps God wants me to find a way to show them what forgiveness means by example.

Sandra Mitchell said that she read this with anger in her heart. She felt that to forgive would allow me to move on. She said that just because I forgive him, that doesn't mean I have to like him. She felt that forgiveness frees you, and that to dislike a person is not a sin.

Anne Johnston said that I can’t do it (forgive) in my own strength, but if I will call on Jesus for help, He will. She also said that I will never forget what I went through, but forgiveness will break the stronghold in my life, and give me peace.

Jannypan (Jan) said that forgiveness is personal to each one of us. (This struck me as being a very valid point because each situation is different.)

PoemsOfDD had a poetic way of saying that it was good opening up and taking the first steps in emptying out my closet that has been crammed full of neglect and abuse. PoemsOfDD also advising that it will take many airings and scrubbing to get things a little cleaner but hopefully, with understanding the dirt, the stains may be easier to clean or, at least, fade.

Country Ranch Writer wrote a lot of helpful points. She said that first, I needed to forgive myself for everything that happened to me as it was beyond my control. She also suggested that I find a mental health specialist or Chaplin of my faith and talk to them.

She said that life is too short to look back and dwell on the past as it will eat you alive and advised me to cut my losses. Then she said some very nice things like I have become a better man because of the harsh, ugly times I suffered as a child and had no control over.

Finally, she suggested that I deal with it one day at a time and consider keeping a journal of my thoughts. She finished by advising me not to be embarrassed for the people on this site don't sit in judgement.

Lyenochka said that when she learned to forgive, she felt a heavy weight come off of her. The anger left and she felt relief and healing. She said for that reason, I should forgive. Not because it's a tit for tat with God. He already forgave me because I believe. There's nothing I need to do to earn His forgiveness. That's all through Jesus' holy work – not mine.

Another Lyenochka nugget of wisdom was that forgiving my dad doesn't mean I have to see my dad or have a relationship with him. The main thing is to clear this up with God. It's between you and Him. Not you and your dad. (This was huge for me, because I had this mental picture that once I achieved forgiveness, the relationship would right itself and my father and I would go skipping through the daisies together. Or something like that.)

Carol Hillebrenner had some great points. She said that I do not have to love him because he did not love me and never has and love for a child is not guaranteed. In her life, she realized hatred would only hurt her and that the absence of feeling isn't hatred.

LateBloomer pointed out that the scars of childhood live deep and hard. She saw my dad as a selfish bully who wants everything his way. She commiserated with me on some shared feelings of anger and pointed out that nothing can erase our memories.

She did point out that perhaps my father has his own childhood luggage. She thought that the best thing that can happen is that I find acceptance without hatred. She was worried that I might have been offended by her candid comments, but it was quite the opposite. Several of her opinions made great sense to me. Like when she said, You owe him nothing.

Sally Law told me that my story made her cry. She is such a sweetheart. She said that forgiveness has mighty power and that if I try to forgive from the emotional aspect, it won't happen. Those emotions are raw and exposed. She said that I needed to forgive from a heart of faith, and the emotions will subside in time and I will be able to truly forgive and free myself and heal.

Rosemary E. said wisely that it sounds like some therapy was needed by all. That made me laugh, imagining trying to get either of those men into counseling, although that is exactly what was needed.

The wonderful Sandra Nelms-Ludwig stated that writing is cathartic, and hoped that I felt better after writing this piece. She astutely pointed out that survivors must first accept they will be battling with angry, hurt children inside adult bodies.

She said that this anger is justified because I was a child who repeatedly encountered adults in my childhood who let me down. She said not to worry about forgiving anyone, but myself. Forgive myself for not being able to forget and forgive.

Sandra also said that layered trauma is often too much to deal with alone and I may need to seek counseling as that angry and hurt child inside must be helped. She pointed out that my father will never be the man that I want him to be, so cut my losses and stop waiting on that.

Wayne Fowler said that I was wise to go ahead and write about this. He said that forgiving someone is not the same as blessing them with all your undying love.

Wendy G relayed that God knows my heart and that I want to forgive. She told me to keep wanting to, and the way may open for me to "feel" that I have forgiven him. Her practice is to offer forgiveness with her mind and will, and keep asking Jesus to soften her heart.

Wendy advised that this sometimes takes years, but said the heart attitude is what matters. She felt that it is particularly hard to forgive those who have expressed no sorrow for their actions and the pain they've caused.

She said that she thought forgiveness is the hardest aspect of the Christian walk. She aptly pointed out that the act of forgiving will be a release for me, although not for him.

Regina Elliot pointed out that writing about this helps and she hoped that it helped me too.

Annmuma pointed out that forgiveness is a gift one gives themselves. She advised to step away from the anger, hurt, the unbelievable actions of another and into my own actions.  

Barbara Peabody Pouliot personally felt that forgiveness does not come until I heal my pain and true feelings around this. She said that this is about me, my pain, and my disappointment and anger. She suggested that I take a more direct approach and find a way to release that anger in a healthy way like scream in a pillow, beat a pillow, or cry because it is okay for men to cry.

She did provide a proven recipe for anger. She said to buy two dozen eggs, and a new bucket. Then go to a private place where I can yell and curse. She said to take one egg at a time and let a deep feeling surface, then whip the egg in the bucket, as the words come out!

Barbara said that once I heal myself, I will be free to find forgiveness.

Finally, Terry Broxson stated in his honest and frank way, that he doesn’t think life requires forgiveness.

So, this is a big shout-out thank you to all of the people who took the time to drop the “review for dollars” mentality, and reached out to help me in my struggle. I appreciate all of you very much. Hopefully, some of you reading this may find a nugget of wisdom in here to help you.