Dear God

Dear God,

There’s something I’ve wanted to ask you. Why did I endure emotional turmoil for a couple of decades? Why did I yearn for a family, when your plan for me is to remain single and childless?

Ok, technically, that’s two questions. I’m finally in a place, spiritually and emotionally, where I can ask those questions.

I found peace when I knew I was fully in menopause. Only when I knew I was no longer able to have a child did I feel the weight of the dream of having a family of my own lift from my shoulders. Only when I knew it was no longer possible to get that dream did the feelings and thoughts that tormented me for over two decades disappear.

I offered my life to your service when I was in my early twenties. I still remember the prayer I prayed when I dedicated my life to doing what you would guide me to do. I made that choice freely, willingly, and with no expectation of receiving anything in return.

Now, I look back over the three decades of my life, the time since I prayed that prayer, and I’m able to appreciate those little moments when you worked through me. I’m humbled and grateful for those times I was able to be a blessing in someone’s life, through offering assistance or in being able to provide information they needed to take care of a problem they had. A few of them have called me an angel over the years. I’ve always taken that as a sign I had performed your work.

I don’t understand why I suffered through the longing to have a family during those years. It would make sense if your plan had been for me to be a wife and mother. I know now, that was not your plan for my life.

There were times I tried to let that longing go. I prayed tear filled prayers to you begging for that longing to be taken from me if it wasn’t your will that I should marry and have children. I picked up books on prayer. I practiced prayers where I talked to you and prayers where I listened for your guidance in my life. I examined my life to see where I was falling short and looked for ways I could improve my relationship with you and ways I could be of more service to you.

Each time, I came away feeling stronger in my faith. My commitment to following you was strengthened. I had some peace in knowing I only had to listen and you would guide me to doing what I could to make this world a little better for other people.

While it strengthened and uplifted me to read about the trials and struggles others have gone through with their faith, a nagging feeling would challenge me whenever they were rewarded by getting what they had wanted most. The book that hurt the most was the one about a woman who was convinced she was called to be a wife and mother.

She prayed for you to send her the husband you had chosen for her.  She prayed that prayer over several years while she also worked on being a better Christian. She asked for people to pray for her and with her, the prayer that you would send to her the husband you had chosen for her. Once her to be husband entered her life, she understood why it had taken the amount of time it took for her prayer to be answered. She understood, there was a process they both needed to go through so they would be ready and able to be a married couple.

I now wonder if it was her testimony that delayed, if not prevented me, from giving up my dream of having a husband and a family. Did I have it somewhere in the back of my mind that you would show me my husband once I was ready to be a good wife, and he was ready to be a good husband? I realize there were times when I expected to get my husband, if I managed to be good enough to earn him.

That’s not how that works, or shouldn’t work, right?

I don’t question being single and childless. I can see the only way I could do some of the actions I was able to perform was by being single and childless. I had to be in a position where I didn’t have a husband or a family to worry about. I had to be in a position where I was able to make unilateral decisions. Having a husband and children would have blocked me from being the blessing to others you always planned I would be.

I wish fellow Christians would have been supportive. You know the gut shot I received during one of the Bible studies at church, the one where a member shared she pities any woman who doesn’t have a family. I remember it clearly since I was struggling through one of my darker times. One of those times when I couldn’t understand why you granted other people their prayers for a husband and a family while denying my prayer for the same thing.

Pastor Darlene jumped into the discussion group and reminded everyone you don’t plan for everyone to have a family. She reminded people that you have a plan to use all those who believe in you and that plan isn’t going to be the same as the plan for anyone else. I don’t know if it made a difference or if that member still pities me, if she takes any time to think about me. I hope she has been able to embrace the other paths you have for women outside of being a mother.

At this point, I’m grateful to have made peace with my desire for a husband and a family. Even though I have the peace I longed for during those decades, I find myself wondering what the point was of going through that emotional turmoil. Did I fail to fully hand that dream over to you? Did I fail to trust you to guide me through life?

I’m glad to be on the other side of those feelings. I’m glad I don’t harbor any anger that the dream of being a wife and mother didn’t come true. There are some days when I offer up a prayer of thanks that I never married or had children. I’m glad I no longer feel a stab of pain when a friend or co-worker announces they are getting married, having a child, or share the stages their children are going through. I’m grateful to have the peace I have now.

My life is good. Thank you for the friends and family in my life. Thank you for the blessings you rained down, and continue to rain down, in my life.

Yours devotedly.