Alone and Feeling It

Joanna awoke and stared at the tray ceiling above her. The room seemed cold. She didn’t want to get out of bed, but she knew she needed to eat. She sat up and reached for her walker. At eighty-four, she realized every day she felt a little less able to cope. Her body ached as she put on her robe.

Twelve years ago when she'd bought this house, she still felt young and capable of handling living alone in a place far away from where she had spent most of her life. Her children hadn’t wanted her to leave Florida. Her friends thought she was crazy to be moving to a place where she knew no one. “You are at the age most people want to be near family. Why are you moving so far away?"

“I’ve always wanted to live in the mountains. I’ve never liked the stifling Florida heat. This place holds bad memories for me. After losing a daughter here and with two divorces behind me, I want to start over and live in a place where I feel alive. My children have their own lives. They don’t need me. We can talk by phone. If I reach a place where I can’t take care of myself, I can always move back.”

Those arguments made sense at the time. She’d found the perfect house with a magnificent view and got busy decorating it to her own taste. She hadn’t regretted the move at all. She planned to get involved in church. She might find a group to join that shared her interest in art or photography. Perhaps she’d find some ladies who liked to play bridge. In Florida, she had always known and interacted with her neighbors, so she was sure to soon have a group of close friends. She might even do some volunteer work.

After settling in, Joanna visited several of the local churches. People were friendly, but she hadn’t felt totally comfortable. She decided she needed to keep looking for a church which seemed a better fit. In the interim, she started watching some church services she liked on television. It seemed easier than getting all dressed up to go out to a church where she didn’t know anyone.

The neighborhood houses were spread out further than in Florida. All of them were on hillsides with steep driveways. It wouldn’t be as easy as running next door for a friendly chat and a cup of coffee. She did join the neighborhood association and met many of the neighbors. They all seemed nice enough, but most worked. At the meeting, there was always the one who wanted to be in charge and demanded things be done his way. She didn’t enjoy all the arguing involved. It was easier just to mail in her dues.

Once she was invited to a bridge group, but these ladies were serious “out for blood” players who weren’t into an afternoon of fun. This wasn’t a social where one could chat and make friends as she had visualized.

Joanne decided it didn’t matter. She had friends and family that visited occasionally, and she wasn’t lonely. This was a beautiful area where she could go out with her camera and take amazing pictures. She started doing her photo shoots alone and posting pictures on line. She had plenty of people she’d never met admiring the colorful photographs she was taking. The praise satisfied her need for recognition.

When the pandemic struck and suddenly everyone’s lives changed, her lifestyle wasn’t affected. As long as she was in secluded spots with her camera, everything was pretty much the same. Most of the fast-food restaurants were able to stay open as long as everyone wore masks. She continued to go out to shoot photos almost daily and buy food to eat somewhere along the way.

Then, the unexpected happened. She’d always been extremely healthy, but something went wrong. Suddenly, she felt sick and was getting weaker by the day. When she could no longer stand, she called the emergency number and was taken to the hospital where tests revealed she had contracted an unknown virus. The doctor surmised it was likely a contact virus from handling cash. She spent three weeks in the hospital, and then was sent to a rehab facility to get her strength back. After a month in rehab, she came home on a walker. Now several years later, she still needed it. She was capable of driving, and she could still take her pictures, so things went back to a slightly altered state of normal. Still, it wasn’t easy getting down the steps into the garage while using her walker.

The holidays were always hard although she managed to convince herself she didn’t mind being alone. She went out a couple of days early and bought food from a nice restaurant to have something to eat for her Christmas meal. She spent the day watching Christmas movies on Hallmark. This year the holiday season was doubly bad, because an unseasonable cold front seemed to grip the whole continent. Temperatures in her area remained below freezing for days.

She’d gotten a notice her phone would no longer work after the first of the year. The company had sent a new phone, but the setup was complicated. She fooled with it for hours, and was still unable to make a phone call. Not only that, but her steep drive was iced over, and her car warning system alerted her the battery was failing. As she slipped into her shoes that late December morning, she remembered she’d failed to get the groceries she needed to carry her throughout the week. For the first time in her life, she felt totally alone.

She didn’t dare risk going down an icy driveway with a car that had a failing battery. With no phone, no food and no car, what would she do? After 12 years, she didn’t have one real friend who she felt close enough to call even if her phone was working. The more she thought about it, the more frightened she became. All of her life, she’d prided herself for being self-sufficient, but now she recognized being alone and vulnerable was more than she could handle. A panic attack was building. She was about to have a full scale melt-down.

Suddenly the phone, which she was sure wasn’t working, interruped the silence with a piercing ring. Maybe she couldn’t call out, but others could still call in. It was her daughter from Florida. “Mom, are you okay? I saw on the news the temperatures are breaking records for lows where you are.” 

“Allison, Thank God.  No, I’m not okay. I can’t be alone any more. I need you. I knew it would happen one day. Today is the day. I need help.”