First Impressions

FADE IN - A man sits alone at a table for two, dressed in a snappy suit, his hair combed neatly. It's evening, we're in a restaurant, and at least half the illumination comes from candles on the tables. The air thrums with the hubbub of flirtation and the muted clatter of polite dining. The man draws in a deep breath and appears to savour it - something smells good. Across from him is a full wine glass, while his holds a mouthful at best. The empty bottle is upended in its cooler at the edge of the table, a dead soldier awaiting escort to the glassy recycling morgue.

MAN (Narration)
She's late. I'm a fool in a clown costume, and she- (He plucks his glass from the table, holding it by the stem between thumb and forefinger, and downs the last mouthful) She's bottled it.

WAITER (Approaching)
Would sir be interested in-

MAN
Piss off!

MAN (Narration)
Shit! Didn't mean to say that out loud!

MAN
I'm terribly sorry - I was lost in thought. That wasn't aimed at you. (He puts his glass down emphatically) I'll take another bottle.

WAITER (Walking away stiffly)
Very good, Sir.

LADY
'Sup, titwank, how's it hanging?

A woman slumps into the chair opposite. She's wearing a pink flannel tracksuit that probably flattered her five years and a few dozen burgers ago. There's a pale white bulge escaping where the top fails to make contact with the bottoms.

MAN (Narration)
No bloody way!

MAN
Err... Nostar79?

LADY
Yeah. Soz about being late. I had a right itchy minge - thought I'd better shampoo for crabs in case, you know, dinner goes well. Innit?

MAN (Blinks)
You're more ... colourful than I expected.

LADY (Downs wine in three big gulps and grimaces)
Urgh. Who pissed in the Pinot? Bleurg! (She waves at the distant waiter) Oi, fella, rum 'n' coke!

MAN (Narration)
Is she for real? She's about as refined as a brick biscuit. Still, there's something cheeky about her confidence with that little bit of tummy she's showing off, and I don't mind admitting, that works a little for me. Let's try getting to know her a bit - maybe I'm being too quick to judge.

MAN
So what's the story behind your username - why Nostar?

LADY (Sniffs expansively and swallows)
'Cause my rusty sheriff's badge is off limits. I got a tattoo across my arse - says 'no entry' with me arsehole for the O.

MAN (Narration)
What a charmer!

LADY
Shit, you ain't into bum stuff, are you? You get tits, you get fanny - but brown town's off limits.

MAN
Who could ask for more?

MAN (Narration)
And why didn't that turn me off?

*****

MONTAGE - They eat dinner. He drinks wine, she guzzles glasses of rum and coke. We see him wincing as she makes expansive gestures, but as food comes and goes and drinks are consumed, we see him smiling more. As the montage ends, the desserts are being cleared away. They are sharing a laugh at a joke, and we see her again through his new eyes - her smile inspiring his.

*****

LADY (Burps loudly)
Nice.

MAN (Laughing)
You'll have to teach me the trick to that - I don't think I could burp in public even if I needed to.

LADY
Way I see it, out is out. If someone's got a problem with it, that's their tough titties. Bloody stupid thing to get upset over.

MAN
What do you do for a living? Your profile didn't say.

LADY (Looks him in the eye)
Why - you going to make some judgement based on it? Why does my job matter? You came to meet me, not some nurse or teacher or brickie or whatever.

MAN (Holds up his hands)
Just one of those things we use to start a conversation. I apologise if I caused any offence.

LADY
I ain't offended, I just ain't what I do.

MAN
How about this, then - what made you do the internet dating thing?

LADY
I ain't no spring bird no more. Me husband pissed off and took the kid - said I weren't a proper mum. Dickhead. And I don't go out with guys from work 'cause you never piss in your own shower, innit?

MAN
So you're looking for Mr Right?

LADY (snorts and smiles)
Mr Right-well-hung will do. Nah, seriously. I came out here to a nice, poncy place. We had posh food, we've got a bit pissed, and you ain't made no excuses to run away yet. You're a bit uptight but I reckon you've been enjoying the view. Maybe later, we'll have a snog and a fumble. (The waiter puts a new drink down on the table and she gives him a thumbs-up.) I say that's a nice night.

MAN (Lifts glass in salute and she reciprocates.)
I'll cheers to that. To nice nights!

LADY
Beats fapping off to big black cocks on YouPorn.

MAN (Barely suppresses spitting wine all over her, swallows and grins. She reciprocates that, too.)
Are you trying to get spattered with liquid?

LADY
Promises, promises.

They laugh and drink for a while, sharing lots of glances.

MAN
Can I ask something, and not offend you?

LADY
Bloody stupid question - I don't know! I've had a few rum 'n' cokes though, so shoot.

MAN
Is it a test? Do you dress down and talk dirty to see whether I'll be shocked and walk out - are you hoping I'll be all scared?

LADY
Maybe, but who cares? I ain't into playing games. I just want to meet some blokes and have some good times and I can't be fagged with pretending to be something I ain't. I'm me - no pretending, and if it ain't what you want, well then you can piss off, innt? You get what you see.

MAN
That's what I was hoping you'd say.

LADY (Smiling)
Fancy a night cap?

MAN (Narration)
Bloody hell, I actually like her!

MAN
Love to - your place or mine?

LADY
Yours - otherwise, if you turn out to be a weirdo, I got to fight you out of my pad, and you'll know where I live. And I bet you got posher booze.

MAN (Laughing)
Great - let's get our coats, and I'll do my best not to be weird.


FADE OUT BEGINS - they stand up from the table. He offers his crooked elbow and she slips a hand in as they stroll towards the exit. The screen dims slowly to nothing.

LADY
Oh, and if you try any arse stuff? I'll beat you so hard, you'll be breathing out one ear.