| Humor Fiction posted February 1, 2021 |
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Just what the investor was looking for apparently...
House Sold
by Y. M. Roger
Just a minute! Just a minute! Good Lordy, let me dry my hands - I'm coming! You know, you don’t have to knock so… Oh! Hello, there. I really wasn’t exp –
Sorry, I’m running a bit behind. The GPS was completely messed up and I had to find the street by myself… Wow! This is nothing like the listing made the foyer look. The intentional aging that’s been applied to the wall paint here is –
I’m sorry, listing? Who are you and what makes you think you can just waltz in my hou –
Aaah, once again my new assistant, Kandi, must have neglected to leave my name with the appointment. My apologies. I’m Gregory Duncan, real estate investor, and the color variations in these walls is simply magnific–
Uhmmm, it’s just some ol’ generic Antique White my husband rolled on years a –
Seriously? A husband-wife team? Well, Kandi never mentioned that. Wonderful! Your husband is great with this ‘quick-age’ technique – legitimately looks to be about fifty to sixty years old. And oh my goodness, those curtains on the windows here in the den are just –
Uh, Mr. Duncan, I’m afraid you must have the wron–
Just feel the weight of that material! These are almost like the real thing from around nineteen-sixty or so – wherever did you find them?
I made those mysel –
You made them? Of course you did! No way would you ever find that horrid pattern in the stores toda–
Well, I wouldn’t say it was horrid, Mr. Duncan. My husband and I picked out that pattern together just before kids–
Kids? You trust kids to work with you on projects? How ever do you obtain such perfection? I mean, the faux cracking-paint on the walls and the dated curtains designs and… Holy Toledo! That couch cover! Oh, please tell me that mismatched prize will stay along with the curtains?
What? None of this is going anywhere, Mr. Dun –
Good to hear! You know, I’ve not been this impressed in a while. Oh, Kandi has definitely earned her research pay on this gem. Do you mind if I take a look at the Master Suite?
The Master sui – hold up there, Mr. Duncan! The bed is not ev –
No, no. I wouldn’t expect the bed to be part of the deal – believe me, I understand the sentimental value that beds hold for peop – whoa!! You went all out to make the bedroom look inviting and homey – are those flannel pajamas and actual silk stockings? Mmmm…
Mr. Duncan! Please do not rub your beard on my –
Oh, sorry. I suppose you need to use these as props at other locations as well. They just feel so...
Give me that, sir! You know, I think that’s just about enough for –
Yes, yes. You’re right – enough time spent in here. With the green, orange, and gold window topper and the matching built-in bookshelves, this room just screams retro all by itself. Let’s just take a peek at the bathroom here in the hallw–
Look here, Mr. Dunc–
Oh, I am looking and look how perfect! I’m guessing this deep marigold commode and the differentiated peeling paint effects here on the walls was once again your husband’s handiwork? He really is –
Pffft. Well, that man can certainly manage to peel paint off the walls at times... But back to the whole reason you–
And look at this authentic tile work! I could get Cyril in here to add some hand-painted designs to bring out the black trim you have added around the edges an–
Trim? What trim are you…? Oh! I didn’t put that there, Mr. Duncan! That’s actually layers of mol–
Molecular resurfacing? Your husband has mastered the faux-aging of tile grout? Oh, you two are just full of surprises! Is the kitchen this way?
Huh? Uhmm, Mr. Duncan if you would just slow down for one min–
Oh, please don’t think my being in a hurry equates to my missing things. Believe me, I noticed that quaint crooked paneling in the hallway and the wonderful personality added by the pencil and crayon marks. Please know that I have noted every wonderful detail of – Holy Toledo! Would you look at –
What? Wh-What? Move out of the way, sir! Did the pot boil ov–
Oh, excuse me. I should have let you go first for the ‘big room reveal’… But I tip my hat to you and your husband once again: this kitchen is like a step back in time!
Oh, good Lord, Mr. Duncan – you about gave me a heart attack! Here, let me–
You have taken retro to a whole ‘nother level with your designs in here! Even these faucets are –
The sink’s already full, sir – please turn that off bef–
Oh, yes. Sorry. I can see you’ve been busy giving the kitchen that ‘back in the day’ look. Nevertheless, does this dishwasher actually work?
Well, of course it works. It’s not like we’re poor or anythi–
No, no. You are definitely not poor… especially not in the creativity department. Although I have to ask: did you run out of money before you had the linoleum in here replaced? I mean, the colors are okay, but –
Really, Mr. Duncan? You invite yourself into our house and then proceed to criti–
Oh, it’s not a criticism at all. Simply a point of negotiation. You see, your asking price of four hundred ninety thousand would need to be adjusted for replacement of the linoleum in here and for the uneven pile of the carpet in the foyer and down the hallway.
Our asking price of wh-what? Four hundr–
Oh, dear. I did get that correct, didn’t I? Let me check Kandi’s notes here. You did talk to Kandi last evening, didn’t you?
Uhhhh…
Yes, yes. Here it is. Four hundred ninety-thou–
Hello, Honey - I'm home!! Whose car is that parked out fr– Oh, good afternoon. Who are you?
Sweetie, this is –
Gregory Duncan, sir, real estate investor. And may I have the privilege of shaking your hand.
Sure. I guess so. Glad to mee–
Oh, no, good sir – it is I who am glad to meet you. You are a true master craftsman!!
Uhhhh….
Now, don’t look so shocked there – this house is amazing! You are obviously far too modest about your immense talents! Although, as I was just telling your wife here, I think the asking price is a bit high given –
Wait. What the heck are you talking about? This house isn’t fo–
Sweetie? Look at me. I think Mr. Duncan is correct: we should take a few thousand off that four hundred ninety-thousand for flooring an–
FOUR HUNDRED NINETY THOUSAND! Dollars? For this place? Are you serious, Mr. Duncan? Do you realize we bought it back in the sixties for – ooow! Why did you smack me, Honey?
Forgive me, sir. Please do not take my offer as a negative reflection of your talents, although I certainly appreciate your candor. With an original purchase price in the four-sixties, you’ll still net twenty-five thousand with a sales price of, sa-a-a-ay four-eighty-five?
We’ll take it! Right, Sweetie? I mean, Mr. Duncan’s offer is certainly reasonable with the flooring that needs to be replaced.
Flooring replaced…? Uhm, really, Honey? I mean, we haven’t even discussed mov–
You’re right, sir. There is a lot of movement in the housing market in this area, but I think you’ll find my offer a very fair and judicious one. However, I guess I can understand if you’d rather take some time to discuss it. Here’s my card with my–
Uhhh… I don’t know about sel– OOW! What is with you, Honey?
Forgive my husband, Mr. Duncan – he’s had a very long day at work.
But, Honey, you know I’m retir–
Of course you’ll be retiring after we sell this one, Sweetie. Mr. Duncan is well aware of all the hard labor we put into this house. Right, Mr. Duncan?
Oh, it is evident in every room! I cannot wait until some of my clien–
Awesome! And we both appreciate the generous offer and would be happy to accept it. Is this the phone number on the card at which this Kandi can be reached to finalize things?
Yes. Yes, it certainly is.
Great! I’m so very glad you found all of the work my husband and I put into this old place exactly what you were looking for. Right, Sweetie?
Uhhh...
We’ve made a great team for a heckuva long time now, you know. Right this way, and I’ll show you out through the garage so you can have a look at his ‘techniques of aging’ in that arena as well.
Sounds perfect! Again, it was good to meet you, sir, and I do hope you put off retirement a bit longer as your masterful techniques could certainly be passed on to younger generations!
Uhhmm, yes, well…
Although, just so you know: it will be hard to top this masterpiece! I’ll tell Kandi she should be hearing from the both of you. Have a wonderful day!
Sorry, I’m running a bit behind. The GPS was completely messed up and I had to find the street by myself… Wow! This is nothing like the listing made the foyer look. The intentional aging that’s been applied to the wall paint here is –
I’m sorry, listing? Who are you and what makes you think you can just waltz in my hou –
Aaah, once again my new assistant, Kandi, must have neglected to leave my name with the appointment. My apologies. I’m Gregory Duncan, real estate investor, and the color variations in these walls is simply magnific–
Uhmmm, it’s just some ol’ generic Antique White my husband rolled on years a –
Seriously? A husband-wife team? Well, Kandi never mentioned that. Wonderful! Your husband is great with this ‘quick-age’ technique – legitimately looks to be about fifty to sixty years old. And oh my goodness, those curtains on the windows here in the den are just –
Uh, Mr. Duncan, I’m afraid you must have the wron–
Just feel the weight of that material! These are almost like the real thing from around nineteen-sixty or so – wherever did you find them?
I made those mysel –
You made them? Of course you did! No way would you ever find that horrid pattern in the stores toda–
Well, I wouldn’t say it was horrid, Mr. Duncan. My husband and I picked out that pattern together just before kids–
Kids? You trust kids to work with you on projects? How ever do you obtain such perfection? I mean, the faux cracking-paint on the walls and the dated curtains designs and… Holy Toledo! That couch cover! Oh, please tell me that mismatched prize will stay along with the curtains?
What? None of this is going anywhere, Mr. Dun –
Good to hear! You know, I’ve not been this impressed in a while. Oh, Kandi has definitely earned her research pay on this gem. Do you mind if I take a look at the Master Suite?
The Master sui – hold up there, Mr. Duncan! The bed is not ev –
No, no. I wouldn’t expect the bed to be part of the deal – believe me, I understand the sentimental value that beds hold for peop – whoa!! You went all out to make the bedroom look inviting and homey – are those flannel pajamas and actual silk stockings? Mmmm…
Mr. Duncan! Please do not rub your beard on my –
Oh, sorry. I suppose you need to use these as props at other locations as well. They just feel so...
Give me that, sir! You know, I think that’s just about enough for –
Yes, yes. You’re right – enough time spent in here. With the green, orange, and gold window topper and the matching built-in bookshelves, this room just screams retro all by itself. Let’s just take a peek at the bathroom here in the hallw–
Look here, Mr. Dunc–
Oh, I am looking and look how perfect! I’m guessing this deep marigold commode and the differentiated peeling paint effects here on the walls was once again your husband’s handiwork? He really is –
Pffft. Well, that man can certainly manage to peel paint off the walls at times... But back to the whole reason you–
And look at this authentic tile work! I could get Cyril in here to add some hand-painted designs to bring out the black trim you have added around the edges an–
Trim? What trim are you…? Oh! I didn’t put that there, Mr. Duncan! That’s actually layers of mol–
Molecular resurfacing? Your husband has mastered the faux-aging of tile grout? Oh, you two are just full of surprises! Is the kitchen this way?
Huh? Uhmm, Mr. Duncan if you would just slow down for one min–
Oh, please don’t think my being in a hurry equates to my missing things. Believe me, I noticed that quaint crooked paneling in the hallway and the wonderful personality added by the pencil and crayon marks. Please know that I have noted every wonderful detail of – Holy Toledo! Would you look at –
What? Wh-What? Move out of the way, sir! Did the pot boil ov–
Oh, excuse me. I should have let you go first for the ‘big room reveal’… But I tip my hat to you and your husband once again: this kitchen is like a step back in time!
Oh, good Lord, Mr. Duncan – you about gave me a heart attack! Here, let me–
You have taken retro to a whole ‘nother level with your designs in here! Even these faucets are –
The sink’s already full, sir – please turn that off bef–
Oh, yes. Sorry. I can see you’ve been busy giving the kitchen that ‘back in the day’ look. Nevertheless, does this dishwasher actually work?
Well, of course it works. It’s not like we’re poor or anythi–
No, no. You are definitely not poor… especially not in the creativity department. Although I have to ask: did you run out of money before you had the linoleum in here replaced? I mean, the colors are okay, but –
Really, Mr. Duncan? You invite yourself into our house and then proceed to criti–
Oh, it’s not a criticism at all. Simply a point of negotiation. You see, your asking price of four hundred ninety thousand would need to be adjusted for replacement of the linoleum in here and for the uneven pile of the carpet in the foyer and down the hallway.
Our asking price of wh-what? Four hundr–
Oh, dear. I did get that correct, didn’t I? Let me check Kandi’s notes here. You did talk to Kandi last evening, didn’t you?
Uhhhh…
Yes, yes. Here it is. Four hundred ninety-thou–
Hello, Honey - I'm home!! Whose car is that parked out fr– Oh, good afternoon. Who are you?
Sweetie, this is –
Gregory Duncan, sir, real estate investor. And may I have the privilege of shaking your hand.
Sure. I guess so. Glad to mee–
Oh, no, good sir – it is I who am glad to meet you. You are a true master craftsman!!
Uhhhh….
Now, don’t look so shocked there – this house is amazing! You are obviously far too modest about your immense talents! Although, as I was just telling your wife here, I think the asking price is a bit high given –
Wait. What the heck are you talking about? This house isn’t fo–
Sweetie? Look at me. I think Mr. Duncan is correct: we should take a few thousand off that four hundred ninety-thousand for flooring an–
FOUR HUNDRED NINETY THOUSAND! Dollars? For this place? Are you serious, Mr. Duncan? Do you realize we bought it back in the sixties for – ooow! Why did you smack me, Honey?
Forgive me, sir. Please do not take my offer as a negative reflection of your talents, although I certainly appreciate your candor. With an original purchase price in the four-sixties, you’ll still net twenty-five thousand with a sales price of, sa-a-a-ay four-eighty-five?
We’ll take it! Right, Sweetie? I mean, Mr. Duncan’s offer is certainly reasonable with the flooring that needs to be replaced.
Flooring replaced…? Uhm, really, Honey? I mean, we haven’t even discussed mov–
You’re right, sir. There is a lot of movement in the housing market in this area, but I think you’ll find my offer a very fair and judicious one. However, I guess I can understand if you’d rather take some time to discuss it. Here’s my card with my–
Uhhh… I don’t know about sel– OOW! What is with you, Honey?
Forgive my husband, Mr. Duncan – he’s had a very long day at work.
But, Honey, you know I’m retir–
Of course you’ll be retiring after we sell this one, Sweetie. Mr. Duncan is well aware of all the hard labor we put into this house. Right, Mr. Duncan?
Oh, it is evident in every room! I cannot wait until some of my clien–
Awesome! And we both appreciate the generous offer and would be happy to accept it. Is this the phone number on the card at which this Kandi can be reached to finalize things?
Yes. Yes, it certainly is.
Great! I’m so very glad you found all of the work my husband and I put into this old place exactly what you were looking for. Right, Sweetie?
Uhhh...
We’ve made a great team for a heckuva long time now, you know. Right this way, and I’ll show you out through the garage so you can have a look at his ‘techniques of aging’ in that arena as well.
Sounds perfect! Again, it was good to meet you, sir, and I do hope you put off retirement a bit longer as your masterful techniques could certainly be passed on to younger generations!
Uhhmm, yes, well…
Although, just so you know: it will be hard to top this masterpiece! I’ll tell Kandi she should be hearing from the both of you. Have a wonderful day!
Dialogue Only Writing Contest contest entry
 Recognized |
#17 February 2021 |
Yep! Totally had fun with this one, folks -- hope you do too!! Smiles all round for miracles that happen we aren't even expecting... :) ;) And in case you're wondering: this is complete fiction (no matter how much I wish it to be otherwise)! Thanx so much for reading me! ;)
Image of 'The Mentor' titled house plans from www.lileks.com
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and 2 member cents. Image of 'The Mentor' titled house plans from www.lileks.com
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