Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "The Arrival -- 2"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
10 total reviews
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
Wow! A great comeback! A wonderful story tale. This is lovely Deb! This is lovely! I mean, you write so well. Thumbs up!
You may want to look at this line: HIs brother looked up at the sky and back down. "Geez, Code!" he stormed. the "I" in "HIS" should be lower case. h in "he stormed" should be upper case.
My very best wishes!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
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Wow! A great comeback! A wonderful story tale. This is lovely Deb! This is lovely! I mean, you write so well. Thumbs up!
You may want to look at this line: HIs brother looked up at the sky and back down. "Geez, Code!" he stormed. the "I" in "HIS" should be lower case. h in "he stormed" should be upper case.
My very best wishes!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
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Thank you! My fingers quite often have a mind of their own! And I do that particular goof a LOT. lol. I appreciate you, always, and am grateful for your sharp eye. :)
Be blessed my friend,
Deb
Comment from Margaret Bednar
I honestly didn't mind the diner scene. I wasn't bored at all - I partially thought maybe the waitress would be a character in the book later on. If not, maybe it should be cut but I have not been bored. I enjoyed this as well. Loved the encyclopedia brown bit and we learn about their dad. Great writing, love the characters.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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I honestly didn't mind the diner scene. I wasn't bored at all - I partially thought maybe the waitress would be a character in the book later on. If not, maybe it should be cut but I have not been bored. I enjoyed this as well. Loved the encyclopedia brown bit and we learn about their dad. Great writing, love the characters.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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Hi Margaret. Thank you so much for the exceptional rating on this chapter. (Did you hit the wrong star? lol) I love both of those scenes, too. Robyn and Helen (lyeonika?) are concerned I"m not 'getting to it' fast enough and I"m sweating that. lol. I'll think it through, keep this version and see what I come upwith.
Ahain, thank you so much. You are always appreciated.
Blessings,
Deb
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I do think authors need to be careful and make sure the plot is being advanced - if the diner doesn't advance it in some way, perhaps it should be deleted even if it is superbly written... It is so hard editing.
Comment from lyenochka
I thought the diner scene was good. Besides, the TV's breaking news situation is what caused the boys to leave the place. I was thinking someone from the diner was going to follow them. I keep getting the feeling something dangerous is going to happen and that Cody will need his firearm. (Had to look up a what a Browning was!) Loved the reference to Encyclopedia Brown. We spent many hours reading that with the kids.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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I thought the diner scene was good. Besides, the TV's breaking news situation is what caused the boys to leave the place. I was thinking someone from the diner was going to follow them. I keep getting the feeling something dangerous is going to happen and that Cody will need his firearm. (Had to look up a what a Browning was!) Loved the reference to Encyclopedia Brown. We spent many hours reading that with the kids.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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I loved Encyclopedia Brown, too. lol. I've thought about cutting that to save the diner ? Just cannot decide how to shorten the beginning. But I'll work it out. I'm going to continue posting completed chapters even as I work it out. :)
Thank you for all your help!
Be blessed,
DEb
Comment from robyn corum
Deb,
THIS is good writing which makes for great reading. I am learning a lot about the guys and a lot about what's gone before in carefully dropped backstory nuggets. I love this!
Only one small note:
--> looking for exactly like the police officer he wasn't going to be for the weekend.
--> delete the first 'for'
Super writing!! THIS is why I fanned you!
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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Deb,
THIS is good writing which makes for great reading. I am learning a lot about the guys and a lot about what's gone before in carefully dropped backstory nuggets. I love this!
Only one small note:
--> looking for exactly like the police officer he wasn't going to be for the weekend.
--> delete the first 'for'
Super writing!! THIS is why I fanned you!
Comment Written 13-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Robyn. Only one nit? You must've thought you were reading someone else's post! lol
Thank you. Working on whittling down the 2nd and 3rd chapters and figuring out how to do some combining, but that's going on off of FS, Thank you for all your input. It's much appreciated.
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Puzzle
Yes, I see what you are saying. I DO like reading about their relationship, but i keep reading it thinking i'm getting some sort of clues for the story ahead of me. Is there a way to do that with the dinner scene, since you like it so much?
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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Yes, I see what you are saying. I DO like reading about their relationship, but i keep reading it thinking i'm getting some sort of clues for the story ahead of me. Is there a way to do that with the dinner scene, since you like it so much?
Comment Written 13-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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I'm not sure. I've gone over it in my head dozens of times a. The diner scene has a bunch of red herrings and one clue. But that clue can be done another way. I may just set the diner scene aside, change the characters and use it for something else.. *sigh* lol
Never throw anything out, right? :)
Thanks for reading and for your input. I always appreciate you, my friend. HOw's your detective story going? Only 5 days left of your schooling, right? And then maybe you'll have a bit more time to write.
Blessings!
Deb
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a great story, and I had been waiting for this post. Personally, I like the slow and easy flow of this story. Don't chop it all up. It sounds natural.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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This is a great story, and I had been waiting for this post. Personally, I like the slow and easy flow of this story. Don't chop it all up. It sounds natural.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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I like the pace, too. And when trouble starts, it doesn't stop, so it's almost like the calm before the storm. I have NO idea what to do. lol. I like the Leroy Brown part, but it may go in favor of the dining scene. AUGH! lol
Blessings,
Deb
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Don't cut anything! ha ha
Comment from Pearl Edwards
You have the dialogue quite natural between the brothers, remembering their camping trips with their dad, though if you were looking to edit I think the Leroy Brown paragraphs could be shortened some. I'm presuming Cody's gun is going to play a part in future chapters. Enjoyed it,
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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You have the dialogue quite natural between the brothers, remembering their camping trips with their dad, though if you were looking to edit I think the Leroy Brown paragraphs could be shortened some. I'm presuming Cody's gun is going to play a part in future chapters. Enjoyed it,
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 13-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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Hi Valda. Yep, I'm afraid Encyclopedia Brown is going to go ? or at least, go on the back burner. He may come back later ? or not. We'll see. And the gun ? why, yes, ma'a! How observant of you. :) I've been throwing red herrings, so I'm wondering if anyone's even paying attention to me anymore! lol
Be blessed,
Deb
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh, I thought this was a great chapter, we see the brothers as normal, as they biker between themselves as brothers do. I have a vague idea that Cody's gun will come in handy later in this story. Well done, Debora, I enjoyed this part. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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Oh, I thought this was a great chapter, we see the brothers as normal, as they biker between themselves as brothers do. I have a vague idea that Cody's gun will come in handy later in this story. Well done, Debora, I enjoyed this part. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 13-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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You are correct, ma'am. :) Glad you enjoyed the read,
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from royowen
Two brothers fighting, fairly normal. Right. But it sounds as if Jack's really pissed off at his brother's foolishness which could possibly, finish both their careers, but I'm not sure why. I like this story of these two brothers, very close, but could be pretty volatile, an excellent episode, Deb. Blessings. Roy
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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Two brothers fighting, fairly normal. Right. But it sounds as if Jack's really pissed off at his brother's foolishness which could possibly, finish both their careers, but I'm not sure why. I like this story of these two brothers, very close, but could be pretty volatile, an excellent episode, Deb. Blessings. Roy
Comment Written 13-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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In the US, it's illegan to carry firearms into a state or national park. Officers, like MY brother, can carry, but they have to declare their weapon to the Ranger responsible for that park. Not sure of the reasoning there, but Chris (brother) told me that's how he had to do it when he was an active lawman.. Now he's not allowed to carry in a state/national park because he's retired.
Thank you, Roy. I appreciate you, as always.
Blessings,
Deb
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I see
Comment from sherrygreywolf
Nice job, Sis. Even without the hatchet. And I'm sad about the diner scene. I thought that was priceless. There were a few paragraphs I felt could go, but overall, it was good. I understand about trying to cut some words though. I've had to do that on a few of mine too.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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Nice job, Sis. Even without the hatchet. And I'm sad about the diner scene. I thought that was priceless. There were a few paragraphs I felt could go, but overall, it was good. I understand about trying to cut some words though. I've had to do that on a few of mine too.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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Hey, gal. I"ve HEARD that you like to use lots of words. hahahahahahahahahaha!
I'm still weighing the choices. I may cut Leroy Brown and keep the diner... I'm just not sure at this point , as we discussed on the phone yesterday. Anyhow, we'll all see soon enough, I suppose.
Talk later,
Deb