The Boy At The Sandcastle
First romance?26 total reviews
Comment from nancyjam
This is such a sweet and tender memory,
written with so much feeling.
Your description of the day, the feeling of the sand,
in your small hands and the quiet companionship of
the little boy and how he impacted your life is truly
beautiful.
Thank you for sharing this memory.
Nancy
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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This is such a sweet and tender memory,
written with so much feeling.
Your description of the day, the feeling of the sand,
in your small hands and the quiet companionship of
the little boy and how he impacted your life is truly
beautiful.
Thank you for sharing this memory.
Nancy
Comment Written 30-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Thank you. Thank you.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Amada
Loved you non-fiction story of your first romance
Now my question is did you ever meet this boy when he became a man and did you ever marry him?
Hope you did well in the contest.
Gert
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
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Hello Amada
Loved you non-fiction story of your first romance
Now my question is did you ever meet this boy when he became a man and did you ever marry him?
Hope you did well in the contest.
Gert
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
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Thank you for reading my work Gert. No to both questions, No, I never saw him again. No, I didn't win the contest. But life goes on...
Comment from Stacia Ann
An amazing work, Nancy, fully deserving of its six stars. You've demonstrated here that memoir can be art.
The sensory details pull the reader in--the "sun-flecked boy,"sizzling sand," and the intricacies of the sand castle. We move from there to the description of the narrator, the "quiet child," introducing the theme of "quiet" and "silence" that runs through the work. Memoir is often structured like fiction, with a specific theme and focus. The work is also structured like a fiction story with its build to the climatic moment of the "proposal" and then the falling action to the resolution with its sense of loss.
Some things to consider for revision:
the phrase "tacit nod" stopped me-"tacit" means unspoken, and a nod is always therefore tacit. I think what is tacit is the agreement to meet again, and the nod signifies that agreement.
Although I was intrigued by the idea, I found it really hard to believe that 10-year-olds would not know each other's names--and a great deal more about each other--after a week. It may have been the way it happened, but I think some explanation is called for of why the two children never share that information--that names didn't seem important, that they wanted for some reason to be anonymous, etc. Even shy children usually introduce themselves to friends they play with for an extended time. Perhaps both children sensed giving a name would somehow destroy the magic of time?
The ending line "I wonder what could have been..." is somewhat hackneyed and not worthy of this piece. What really resonates is the next to last line:
The main question is still raw: I wonder if he would remember me.
To me, that's how the piece should end. That's the concern, isn't it, if in someone else's memory this magical moment remains, that somewhere, in someone's memory, the narrator as a child lives on?
These are just my thoughts, to use as you wish.
Very poignant material. I'm glad you've entered this in the contest!
Thanks for sharing your work.
Stacia
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2019
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An amazing work, Nancy, fully deserving of its six stars. You've demonstrated here that memoir can be art.
The sensory details pull the reader in--the "sun-flecked boy,"sizzling sand," and the intricacies of the sand castle. We move from there to the description of the narrator, the "quiet child," introducing the theme of "quiet" and "silence" that runs through the work. Memoir is often structured like fiction, with a specific theme and focus. The work is also structured like a fiction story with its build to the climatic moment of the "proposal" and then the falling action to the resolution with its sense of loss.
Some things to consider for revision:
the phrase "tacit nod" stopped me-"tacit" means unspoken, and a nod is always therefore tacit. I think what is tacit is the agreement to meet again, and the nod signifies that agreement.
Although I was intrigued by the idea, I found it really hard to believe that 10-year-olds would not know each other's names--and a great deal more about each other--after a week. It may have been the way it happened, but I think some explanation is called for of why the two children never share that information--that names didn't seem important, that they wanted for some reason to be anonymous, etc. Even shy children usually introduce themselves to friends they play with for an extended time. Perhaps both children sensed giving a name would somehow destroy the magic of time?
The ending line "I wonder what could have been..." is somewhat hackneyed and not worthy of this piece. What really resonates is the next to last line:
The main question is still raw: I wonder if he would remember me.
To me, that's how the piece should end. That's the concern, isn't it, if in someone else's memory this magical moment remains, that somewhere, in someone's memory, the narrator as a child lives on?
These are just my thoughts, to use as you wish.
Very poignant material. I'm glad you've entered this in the contest!
Thanks for sharing your work.
Stacia
Comment Written 17-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2019
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Thank you very much for your beautiful review to this work.
Comment from DonandVicki
You describe your first innocent love so sweetly, most of us lucky ones remember those special loves that make time stand still, and like you, we wonder what if?
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
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You describe your first innocent love so sweetly, most of us lucky ones remember those special loves that make time stand still, and like you, we wonder what if?
Comment Written 08-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2016
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Thank you for your great comments and those tingling unanswered questions. Very nice.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a precious story, so sweet and innocent. What a shame your childhood was so lonely, but that one holiday you have managed to hold in your heart forever to give you that warm feeling when you have felt down. I am sure he remembers you too and also has a smile when he does. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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That was a precious story, so sweet and innocent. What a shame your childhood was so lonely, but that one holiday you have managed to hold in your heart forever to give you that warm feeling when you have felt down. I am sure he remembers you too and also has a smile when he does. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 08-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much. i always admire your writing so this review means a lot to me.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think this is a great piece for this competition. You hit the perfect tone and really gave it a fairy tale quality without being overly-sentimental. I really hope this does well in the contest.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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Hi there,
I think this is a great piece for this competition. You hit the perfect tone and really gave it a fairy tale quality without being overly-sentimental. I really hope this does well in the contest.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 08-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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Your comments are so special coming from you, GMG. Working, working in improving my writing skills! Thank you!
Comment from robyn corum
Amada,
This is a delicious short story and slice-of-life piece! I enjoyed every little bit of it. Loved the descriptive wording and great sense-of-place that you provided. Loved it. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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Amada,
This is a delicious short story and slice-of-life piece! I enjoyed every little bit of it. Loved the descriptive wording and great sense-of-place that you provided. Loved it. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 08-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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Thank you Robyn. Your insightful comments mean a lot to me.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the pleasure of reading your fun and entertaining little story. It brings back one of those thoughts and special memories from the beach, a mesmerizing moment that still flickers through my mind after all these years. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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Thanks for the pleasure of reading your fun and entertaining little story. It brings back one of those thoughts and special memories from the beach, a mesmerizing moment that still flickers through my mind after all these years. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 08-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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Thank you for your great and inspiring comments.
Comment from Bill O'Bier
I enjoyed the story---The descriptive language flowed well. Thanks so much for telling the story and sharing. Good luck in the contest.
Bill~
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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I enjoyed the story---The descriptive language flowed well. Thanks so much for telling the story and sharing. Good luck in the contest.
Bill~
Comment Written 08-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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Thank you for reading this work and for your best wishes.
Comment from c_lucas
There is no age qualification for love to strike its first blow. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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There is no age qualification for love to strike its first blow. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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Thank you, Charlie.
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You're welcome, Amada. Charlie