Comment from closetpoetjester

Excellent

Goodness me! Abrupt and confronting and unravelling in a mere 60 words, Steve.
Well done on not only the win but telling a very graphic and highly emotionally charged scene that found this reader aghast.
Congrats
Cheers P

 Comment Written 23-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Nov-2015

Thank you.

Yep, it's was tough to get the story across in that space, but I kind of have my own method...

Steve

Comment from humpwhistle

Excellent

Wow, Steve, that's a chiller. Bad to worst in the blink of an eye.
I'm not sure how you came out in a tie. One of the reasons I hate 'blind' contests that peek through color and presentation style.
Had I only known.

You need an end quote after 'eternity'

Peace, Lee

 Comment Written 19-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 20-Nov-2015

Thanks.

I'm quite pleased, despite the tie - didn't look like it was going to make it for most of the voting. First time I've on anything for a prose piece too.

The story is kind of based on what almost happened to my brother (the patient). Luckily his mate (brett) had time to swerve off the road...

Steve

Comment from mvbrooks

Good

Wow-- part way through I realized he was going to get his wish--but the intensity and action were built up well that the story works effectively--and evokes emotion and imagery.

A suggestion-- you might consider replacing "their patient" to "drooped her" to make it more obvious that the patient is his girlfriend. I had initially pictured her in the hospital and wondered who the extra victim was. On the second read, I realized it was her.

 Comment Written 18-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015

Thank you.

Comment from ericawrites

Excellent

Wow, what a story in so few words.
Clever response to the writing prompt.
Nice picture too

Well done,
best wishes in the contest.

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015

Thanks, Erica

Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose

Excellent

Hello :)

Cool story! You got my attention on less than 60 words. I must admit I had to read it twice to get the meaning of the ending. Good job!
Gypsy

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015

Thank you, GBR

Comment from Cajungirl

Excellent

LOL you just never know when a wish will be granted. You have managed to tell a great story in the required amount of words. Great job, excellent story. Best of luck in the contest,

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015

Thanks for the kind words.

Steve

Comment from Domino 2

Excellent

A tragic but fun read in a way - well, if you have a perverted dark humour like me. ;-)

So, Brett and his loved one ended up together in Paradise. Clever ending.

I can picture the paramedics seeing the lunatic on-rushing car, dropping the body and running out the way. So much for our brave and caring health service. Haha. There I go again.

Good luck and best wishes, Ray

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015

Yes, I like this kind of irony. If I'd had a few words to spare I'd have slipped in that poor Lori had merely sprained her wrist!

Comment from Brett Matthew West

Excellent

With paramedics like those who needs medical attention?

Physician heal thyself!

Well written story of true love.

Uses terms such as "eternity," and "wish granted," to better illustrate he got exactly what he wanted.

Touch of humor thrown in for good measure.

Should be a good contest entry.

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015

Thanks, Brett - glad you enjoyed.

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

oh! I want to laugh, but it'[s not really funny -- oops! heeheehee

This was a great write. These short pieces are so hard to do, but you've definitely pulled this one off! Great job!

 Comment Written 17-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 18-Nov-2015

Thanks, Robyn.