Miscellaneous Poems - vol 3
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Haiku (Off Axis)"Yet more poems
5 total reviews
Comment from ~Dovey
I believe this will be a unique entry for the above described contest. Your structure is flawless and I enjoyed your presentation. Yes, the seasons are turning. Today, I have snow. I'm wishing you all the best in the contest. This haiku should do well!
Kim
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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I believe this will be a unique entry for the above described contest. Your structure is flawless and I enjoyed your presentation. Yes, the seasons are turning. Today, I have snow. I'm wishing you all the best in the contest. This haiku should do well!
Kim
Comment Written 25-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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Thank you Kim, for your very kind words and good wishes. Both are very much appreciated. Beware, the ice man cometh! :)
Comment from --Turtle.
Read through this haiku, wanted to mention that you maybe change the title to: haiku (our tilt gives birth to)
Just in case? mostly cause I recently watched the sesame street's one of these things just isn't quite the same game (where they give you several objects and you point at the one that's out of place), and most haiku that I see here is titled by only the first line of the poem, maybe not a big deal, but one thought I had to why was the title otherwise further defines the poem for the reader beyond the haiku? If that makes sense... like there's some unspoken rule somewhere that haiku doesn't have titles.
It's such a cool haiku, I it doesn't need a different title, anyway.
As for the haiku, it's right up the alley I live in. It kinda blows my mind that spring, summer, autumn, winter is seven syllables together... like the laws of nature recognizes haiku in my language, and it just fits... I gravitate to the big scale concept and the words tilt, birth, life and the theme of huge masses in motion, all boiled down to a simplicity, a cold factual statement that... hold that thought... and, well haiku is generally got a season, and everyone's always looking at leaves and ice/ snow and sunshine... which this haiku takes everything on such a macro scale of perception in that flavor of a technical clarity, and then the satori line rehumanizes it, cuts the edge off right away from a scientific text-bookness that everything falls into place, I love the double play of geometric motion, and the corresponding patterns we perceive. (I almost wanted you to use circles over circle but that's just me. and only almost.)
Most haiku doesn't make me stop and think outside the whole dang planet on a seasonal scale, there's usually a for-grantedness taken, yep ... autumn again...
I really, really enjoyed this haiku.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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Read through this haiku, wanted to mention that you maybe change the title to: haiku (our tilt gives birth to)
Just in case? mostly cause I recently watched the sesame street's one of these things just isn't quite the same game (where they give you several objects and you point at the one that's out of place), and most haiku that I see here is titled by only the first line of the poem, maybe not a big deal, but one thought I had to why was the title otherwise further defines the poem for the reader beyond the haiku? If that makes sense... like there's some unspoken rule somewhere that haiku doesn't have titles.
It's such a cool haiku, I it doesn't need a different title, anyway.
As for the haiku, it's right up the alley I live in. It kinda blows my mind that spring, summer, autumn, winter is seven syllables together... like the laws of nature recognizes haiku in my language, and it just fits... I gravitate to the big scale concept and the words tilt, birth, life and the theme of huge masses in motion, all boiled down to a simplicity, a cold factual statement that... hold that thought... and, well haiku is generally got a season, and everyone's always looking at leaves and ice/ snow and sunshine... which this haiku takes everything on such a macro scale of perception in that flavor of a technical clarity, and then the satori line rehumanizes it, cuts the edge off right away from a scientific text-bookness that everything falls into place, I love the double play of geometric motion, and the corresponding patterns we perceive. (I almost wanted you to use circles over circle but that's just me. and only almost.)
Most haiku doesn't make me stop and think outside the whole dang planet on a seasonal scale, there's usually a for-grantedness taken, yep ... autumn again...
I really, really enjoyed this haiku.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much, Turtle, for the wonderful comments, and the very generous six stars! I'm so glad that it made sense to you. Your point about the title is well made, but I'm not going to change it. I think some first lines work really well as titles, but "our tilt gives birth to" sounds silly to me.... not complete, if you know what I mean. Your analysis shows that you have really taken the time to understand what is written, and your kind and thoughtful review is really very much appreciated!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed your haiku on nature. The artwork is awesome. Good job with the syllable count.
I see no changes. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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I enjoyed your haiku on nature. The artwork is awesome. Good job with the syllable count.
I see no changes. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2015
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Thank you for your good wishes and the encouraging comments. Both are much appreciated :)
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This is an interesting haiku that authentically brings into play all seasons. The illustration is nicely done and fits the poem well. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2015
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This is an interesting haiku that authentically brings into play all seasons. The illustration is nicely done and fits the poem well. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 23-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Jeanie, for the kind comments and good wishes.
Comment from humpwhistle
Funny what a little tilt will do. Luckily,
we're not a pinball game--tilts are good there.
And you picked a very apt day to post this haiku.
Best of luck at the polls.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2015
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Funny what a little tilt will do. Luckily,
we're not a pinball game--tilts are good there.
And you picked a very apt day to post this haiku.
Best of luck at the polls.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 23-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2015
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There's an idea - a poem about a pinball game.... heck, why not a whole rock opera?
Thanks for the good wishes, and for the kind review.
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Yipes! I never even thought of Tommy!