Miscellaneous Poems - vol 3
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Cosmology"Yet more poems
17 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello CD Richards,
~Cosmology~is a very romantic poem about the woman you love and you express your love for her very eloquently. Good job!
I love this line....
.......nothing else that matters when
I'm drowning in your eyes.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2015
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Hello CD Richards,
~Cosmology~is a very romantic poem about the woman you love and you express your love for her very eloquently. Good job!
I love this line....
.......nothing else that matters when
I'm drowning in your eyes.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Gypsy, for your kind review. Much appreciated. Craig.
Comment from strandregs
It is not at all tit for tat
but because I take of my hat.
I a going to copy this and give it to my wife on our aniversary. Only because I couldnt write this myself.:-)) Z.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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It is not at all tit for tat
but because I take of my hat.
I a going to copy this and give it to my wife on our aniversary. Only because I couldnt write this myself.:-)) Z.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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Seriously? Well, that has got to be the biggest compliment anything I've written has ever received. Thank you so much :-)
Comment from Benjamin Valencia
Hi CD Richards. You have excellent rhythm in most of your poem. I enjoyed most of the flow. The only things I see off are the following.
first paragraph. "It's tons"
second paragraph. "Of this orb we call Earth."
Nice word play to describe the Earth as wearing a blue hued robe.
"and yet we owe our all to it" (consider revising) Yet we owe all of it...Great work and cheers.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Hi CD Richards. You have excellent rhythm in most of your poem. I enjoyed most of the flow. The only things I see off are the following.
first paragraph. "It's tons"
second paragraph. "Of this orb we call Earth."
Nice word play to describe the Earth as wearing a blue hued robe.
"and yet we owe our all to it" (consider revising) Yet we owe all of it...Great work and cheers.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Benjamin, for your kind words and for your suggestions. They are most appreciated. Craig.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made all changes but the ones mentioned in your reply. About those, the first stanza is fine as one sentence, and the semicolon works fine too.
I agree that TONS can have the quote marks. using italics is another option to gain the same effect, if you prefer.
First review (FOUR stars)
Sweet love poem, written with fine flow and rhyming, and rich imagery and emotional tenor. I enjoyed it! the meter is almost flawless, but a few lines could use some tweaking. Also, some spag suggestions for improving the fluidity, which is so musical in most lines (but not all) - thus four stars, because I think this isn't polished yet. However, once it is, it will be a very strong entry for the contest. I wish you luck!
NOTES
The opening stanza is very nice. However, I have a suggestion for smoother flow and also spag changes:
With edits:
Two hundred billion galaxies,
times a hundred billion suns.
"How many's that?" you ask, my love-
well clearly, it is "tons".
Note sure you need the quote narks surrounding TONS , or, for that matter on THE EARTH below:
on this orb we call "The Earth".
They make it look cluttered, IMHO.
Love this stanza--fin alliteration of F and S:
Though from those countless balls of fire
the starlight tumbles down,
no star commands the power you have
to wipe away my frown.
Whimsical line--nice personification:
The astronauts from space can see
a wondrous blue-hued robe
LOVE the way you expand this image and weave it in a tapestry of love by choosing an ocean-related word--drowning) here:
The waves, they hold no fears for me
nor what beneath them lies,
there's nothing else that matters when
I'm drowning in your eyes.
Fine assonance of EA as well.
*
You're not a goddess, it is true(,)
nor an angel, it is clear.
NOR is used with neither. Here, OR is grammatically correct.
*What need is there of h(H)eaven
Love the whimsy here and creative rhymes:
You're basically just carbon
with some other stuff thrown in;
Aphrodite's doppelganger?
Not with that sun-browned skin.
Sweet stanza...great rhythm. Not suggestions:
Yet(,) when you turn your smile on me(,)
the others all retreat;
they know my heart belongs to you-
it thumps, and skips a beat.
These are all sweet stanzas--note suggestions:
In the morning when the sun comes up(,)
my day falls into place
when the first thing that I see there
is the sunlight on your face.
Though daytimes we are oft apart(,)
the moments I hold dear
are generally the ones, my love(,)
when I can have you near.
And when the day is done(,)
I know I shall sleep tight
when your image is the last one
on my retina at night.
* the meter has forced scansion on the last line (subtly) but it works fine enough read aloud. Love the alliteration of B and D and the clever content here:
They say our world will barbeque
four billion years from now
that doesn't bother me a bit-
I'll be dead anyhow.
Nice shift -- like a volta:
But what would make me lose
any desire to carry on
and kill the joy of living
is to wake and find you gone.
A precious sweet closing. Pitch perfect ending note. however, line three is off-scansion. Also, note a suggestion in line two:
And so, my love, when we are old
don't leave,(;) my heart would burst.
Hold my hand, smile that smile-
let the cosmos take me first.
I'd love to come and upgrade the rating if you fix the meter issues (spag is optional but recommended. It does not influence the rating choice significantly, though).
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made all changes but the ones mentioned in your reply. About those, the first stanza is fine as one sentence, and the semicolon works fine too.
I agree that TONS can have the quote marks. using italics is another option to gain the same effect, if you prefer.
First review (FOUR stars)
Sweet love poem, written with fine flow and rhyming, and rich imagery and emotional tenor. I enjoyed it! the meter is almost flawless, but a few lines could use some tweaking. Also, some spag suggestions for improving the fluidity, which is so musical in most lines (but not all) - thus four stars, because I think this isn't polished yet. However, once it is, it will be a very strong entry for the contest. I wish you luck!
NOTES
The opening stanza is very nice. However, I have a suggestion for smoother flow and also spag changes:
With edits:
Two hundred billion galaxies,
times a hundred billion suns.
"How many's that?" you ask, my love-
well clearly, it is "tons".
Note sure you need the quote narks surrounding TONS , or, for that matter on THE EARTH below:
on this orb we call "The Earth".
They make it look cluttered, IMHO.
Love this stanza--fin alliteration of F and S:
Though from those countless balls of fire
the starlight tumbles down,
no star commands the power you have
to wipe away my frown.
Whimsical line--nice personification:
The astronauts from space can see
a wondrous blue-hued robe
LOVE the way you expand this image and weave it in a tapestry of love by choosing an ocean-related word--drowning) here:
The waves, they hold no fears for me
nor what beneath them lies,
there's nothing else that matters when
I'm drowning in your eyes.
Fine assonance of EA as well.
*
You're not a goddess, it is true(,)
nor an angel, it is clear.
NOR is used with neither. Here, OR is grammatically correct.
*What need is there of h(H)eaven
Love the whimsy here and creative rhymes:
You're basically just carbon
with some other stuff thrown in;
Aphrodite's doppelganger?
Not with that sun-browned skin.
Sweet stanza...great rhythm. Not suggestions:
Yet(,) when you turn your smile on me(,)
the others all retreat;
they know my heart belongs to you-
it thumps, and skips a beat.
These are all sweet stanzas--note suggestions:
In the morning when the sun comes up(,)
my day falls into place
when the first thing that I see there
is the sunlight on your face.
Though daytimes we are oft apart(,)
the moments I hold dear
are generally the ones, my love(,)
when I can have you near.
And when the day is done(,)
I know I shall sleep tight
when your image is the last one
on my retina at night.
* the meter has forced scansion on the last line (subtly) but it works fine enough read aloud. Love the alliteration of B and D and the clever content here:
They say our world will barbeque
four billion years from now
that doesn't bother me a bit-
I'll be dead anyhow.
Nice shift -- like a volta:
But what would make me lose
any desire to carry on
and kill the joy of living
is to wake and find you gone.
A precious sweet closing. Pitch perfect ending note. however, line three is off-scansion. Also, note a suggestion in line two:
And so, my love, when we are old
don't leave,(;) my heart would burst.
Hold my hand, smile that smile-
let the cosmos take me first.
I'd love to come and upgrade the rating if you fix the meter issues (spag is optional but recommended. It does not influence the rating choice significantly, though).
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 28-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Hi RD,
Firstly, thank you for your in-depth analysis of my poem. I really appreciate the trouble to which you have gone in making suggestions. I believe I have implemented every one of them, with a single exception. I was reluctant to drop the quotation marks around "tons", because I didn't want the term interpreted literally, which would make no sense. However, I did drop them in the end, because as you say, it makes it look cleaner.
I didn't make the first two lines into a sentence as you suggested, because I don't believe those two lines can stand alone as being grammatically complete. I agree it looks better, but it just didn't seem right. I'm open for further discussion on this, and always willing to learn.
Again, thank you for your trouble in helping to make my poem better. I would welcome a second review from you, if you are willing. All the best. Craig.
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Hi Craig, and thanks for your gracious response to my critique. I'll be happy to make a second review. Keeping the semicolon in line two is fine! Please see second review for further discussion...
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I went with the italics. Thanks again, RD. Much appreciated.
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Happy to help. :)
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:-)) Yay!
Comment from lightink
Beautiful raw snapshots of the universe while scientific knowledge clashes with the storm of emotions. You allow your love to shine with a light that's more vast than the cosmos itself. Great poem! Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Beautiful raw snapshots of the universe while scientific knowledge clashes with the storm of emotions. You allow your love to shine with a light that's more vast than the cosmos itself. Great poem! Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Thank you for your very kind review. Glad you liked my poem, and your remarks are most appreciated. Craig.
Comment from LIJ Red
Astronomy and cosmology are hobby reading for me, so I heartily approve of your using such things in your poem. The quality of the rhyming quatrains and the adherence to the prompt makes an excellent post.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Astronomy and cosmology are hobby reading for me, so I heartily approve of your using such things in your poem. The quality of the rhyming quatrains and the adherence to the prompt makes an excellent post.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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I really appreciate your encouraging words. Thanks for reading and enjoying my poem. Craig.
Comment from --Turtle.
*sigh* this was awesome.
I really, really enjoyed it... thought: way to Geek a romance poem. Has all the fun ticks of both the kind of love that swallows the universe and harnesses science concepts with a steady 'owning it' control and it has all these thinking qualities that just blend into awesome. Well done with this poem.
Only thing I have to mention:
And so(,) my love(,) when we are old
(because this is actually a direct addressment, though there are no quotes, at minimal an interrupt... but I think the commas as direct addressment because those don't actually have an audible 'pause', just allows the reader to know you are talking to 'my love' and not talking about your love... example And so my love is pure... that would be talking about my love... and you're not doing that here.
let the cosmos take me first.
(so very romantical!)
I tried a poem like this once... (did not nail it like you did!)
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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*sigh* this was awesome.
I really, really enjoyed it... thought: way to Geek a romance poem. Has all the fun ticks of both the kind of love that swallows the universe and harnesses science concepts with a steady 'owning it' control and it has all these thinking qualities that just blend into awesome. Well done with this poem.
Only thing I have to mention:
And so(,) my love(,) when we are old
(because this is actually a direct addressment, though there are no quotes, at minimal an interrupt... but I think the commas as direct addressment because those don't actually have an audible 'pause', just allows the reader to know you are talking to 'my love' and not talking about your love... example And so my love is pure... that would be talking about my love... and you're not doing that here.
let the cosmos take me first.
(so very romantical!)
I tried a poem like this once... (did not nail it like you did!)
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Thank you so much, Turtle, for your wonderful and very generous review! I have followed your advice regarding the opening line of the last stanza - thanks for that. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem, and really appreciate your encouragement.
Craig.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Excellent, Craig! You're very versatile my friend, and your talents shine forth in every single thing you write.
This...this...epic, well rhymed love poem is certainly no exception. The pacing is excellent--due to well carted quatrains and good enjambment--and the message, while simplistic, is beautifully conveyed. Hey, who really wants to have to break out their thesaurus every friggin' time they read a poem, I ask you? Not me. I'd rather be able to read a genuine, heartfelt poetic proclamation of love--like the one you've penned here--and fully comprehend it, rather than to read a bunch of eloquently strung out words that you need a Masters Degree to decipher.
Wonderfully written, masterfully rendered and presented.
Just a fantastic piece all the way around.
Good luck in the contest. ~Dean ;)
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Excellent, Craig! You're very versatile my friend, and your talents shine forth in every single thing you write.
This...this...epic, well rhymed love poem is certainly no exception. The pacing is excellent--due to well carted quatrains and good enjambment--and the message, while simplistic, is beautifully conveyed. Hey, who really wants to have to break out their thesaurus every friggin' time they read a poem, I ask you? Not me. I'd rather be able to read a genuine, heartfelt poetic proclamation of love--like the one you've penned here--and fully comprehend it, rather than to read a bunch of eloquently strung out words that you need a Masters Degree to decipher.
Wonderfully written, masterfully rendered and presented.
Just a fantastic piece all the way around.
Good luck in the contest. ~Dean ;)
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Wow, Dean, thanks so much for such a brilliant review! Your encouragement really does mean the world to me. I'm sadly way too left-brained to deal with really clever artistic devices, I guess that's why my stuff tends to be simplistic. We can only work with what we've got, I guess. Anyway, your kind words have made my day, so thank you!
Craig.
Comment from Linda Kay
Craig,
This could be the ultimate love poem! Your love spans galaxies, oceans, more than all of the grains of sand. This is sweetly romantic, simple, and fun all rolled together. I love the " your basically just carbon with some other stuff thrown in!"
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Craig,
This could be the ultimate love poem! Your love spans galaxies, oceans, more than all of the grains of sand. This is sweetly romantic, simple, and fun all rolled together. I love the " your basically just carbon with some other stuff thrown in!"
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Thank you Linda, for the wonderful six-star review! You identified the three qualities I was aiming for, so I guess it kind of worked :) I'm glad you enjoyed the poem, and very grateful for your thoughtful comments.
Craig.
Comment from ~Dovey
You did an excellent job on this love poem, Craig. Let me say sincerely that Jayne is a very lucky woman. Who would have thought anyone could pull off a love poem with the word, "retina,"? Well, you've done it! lol Your rhyme scheme is spot on, your word choices are inspired, and you have penned a most lovely offering for this contest. I truly wish you the best of luck. :)
Kim
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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You did an excellent job on this love poem, Craig. Let me say sincerely that Jayne is a very lucky woman. Who would have thought anyone could pull off a love poem with the word, "retina,"? Well, you've done it! lol Your rhyme scheme is spot on, your word choices are inspired, and you have penned a most lovely offering for this contest. I truly wish you the best of luck. :)
Kim
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Kim, for the lovely review. I only used "retina" because originally, I had "orange".... I really appreciate your kind remarks and your good wishes. Much appreciated!
Craig.