What Fate Awaits
between the darkness and the light13 total reviews
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Gareth
Good entry for the Ghosts contest! I've had my experiences with ghosts.
We have a village ghost here in Grand Bay, a woman walks the backland road with a lantern. She used to walk her blind brother every night when they were alive.
Recently, I heard a ghost at the drug store where I work... high heels clicking on a carpeted floor! When I worked in the cellars at Moosehead Breweries, as a carbonologist, hearing voices echo when I was the only one there, and lights turning off and back on. Creepy stuff! And, of course, like many others, those feelings of not being quite alone. Sudden movements from the corner of my eye. Eerie!
"Walking the narrow paths
Between the darkness and the light" ... ( can I suggest?
Walking narrow paths
Between darkness and light)
I like your descriptions of ghosts,
"The mist that steals the breath
Cold fingers tickle necks
Yells and shrieks that pierce the night"
I notice that you use "the" quite often. I suggest tossing them out.
For example, as I've already mentioned earlier,
"Walking the narrow paths
Between the darkness and the light
(Walking narrow paths
Between darkness and light)
and,
"The mist that steals the breath"
(Mist that steals breath)
and,
"Yells and shrieks that pierce the night
To haunt the living souls"
(Yells and shrieks that pierce night
To haunt living souls)
I like the questions that makes the reader consider,
"Do they blame the living for their woes" ???
"Is this the fate for me?"
I like the way you describe the fate of these ghosts,
"confined and bound in pain" ... actually, some living people might describe their situations like this.
Good Luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2015
  |
Hi Gareth
Good entry for the Ghosts contest! I've had my experiences with ghosts.
We have a village ghost here in Grand Bay, a woman walks the backland road with a lantern. She used to walk her blind brother every night when they were alive.
Recently, I heard a ghost at the drug store where I work... high heels clicking on a carpeted floor! When I worked in the cellars at Moosehead Breweries, as a carbonologist, hearing voices echo when I was the only one there, and lights turning off and back on. Creepy stuff! And, of course, like many others, those feelings of not being quite alone. Sudden movements from the corner of my eye. Eerie!
"Walking the narrow paths
Between the darkness and the light" ... ( can I suggest?
Walking narrow paths
Between darkness and light)
I like your descriptions of ghosts,
"The mist that steals the breath
Cold fingers tickle necks
Yells and shrieks that pierce the night"
I notice that you use "the" quite often. I suggest tossing them out.
For example, as I've already mentioned earlier,
"Walking the narrow paths
Between the darkness and the light
(Walking narrow paths
Between darkness and light)
and,
"The mist that steals the breath"
(Mist that steals breath)
and,
"Yells and shrieks that pierce the night
To haunt the living souls"
(Yells and shrieks that pierce night
To haunt living souls)
I like the questions that makes the reader consider,
"Do they blame the living for their woes" ???
"Is this the fate for me?"
I like the way you describe the fate of these ghosts,
"confined and bound in pain" ... actually, some living people might describe their situations like this.
Good Luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 11-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for the thoughtful review of the piece. I will have a look at it again. Much appreciated
Comment from adewpearl
excellent use of enjambment to create flow of thought from line to line
effective use of personification
vivid, mood-creating detail of setting with strong sensory and emotional appeal
strong action verbs add to the dramatic tone
good consonance of L sounds in blame the living
good alliteration in malady of men
a compelling closing question - an excellent response to the "ghost" prompt
Brooke
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
|
excellent use of enjambment to create flow of thought from line to line
effective use of personification
vivid, mood-creating detail of setting with strong sensory and emotional appeal
strong action verbs add to the dramatic tone
good consonance of L sounds in blame the living
good alliteration in malady of men
a compelling closing question - an excellent response to the "ghost" prompt
Brooke
Comment Written 10-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks Brooke. Still trying to 'push my personal envelop'. Learning loads from all the great writers here. Much appreciated
Comment from LoannaLois
This is such a morose, yet gently-composed poem that lets the reader experience the sadness;yet feel such empathy for the character. The ending lines were super.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
|
This is such a morose, yet gently-composed poem that lets the reader experience the sadness;yet feel such empathy for the character. The ending lines were super.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for your thoughtful response to the piece. I have wondered on the 'origins' of those caught between before. How and why are questions readily springing to mind. Much appreciated
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi G-man,
It's so true, the ghosts between the veil of darkness and light can be brutal to overcome.
Excellent take on the prompt. Good luck in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
|
Hi G-man,
It's so true, the ghosts between the veil of darkness and light can be brutal to overcome.
Excellent take on the prompt. Good luck in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 10-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for the review. It is very much appreciated, as always. :)
Comment from Njorgensen
Great work on this haunting piece. The words you chose matched the colors of your artwork. From time to time, I think we all wonder if we're being haunted..
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
|
Great work on this haunting piece. The words you chose matched the colors of your artwork. From time to time, I think we all wonder if we're being haunted..
Comment Written 10-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for the thoughtful response to the piece. Much appreciated
Comment from michaelcahill
I like this. A reflection on what might await. Why are the ghosts even there and what do they represent? Very chilling and thought provoking. Good luck in the contest. The title and description line don't show up on the Classic version. I usually add it to the body when I use a black background. Some people hate it though. Just a tip, no biggie. mikey
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
|
I like this. A reflection on what might await. Why are the ghosts even there and what do they represent? Very chilling and thought provoking. Good luck in the contest. The title and description line don't show up on the Classic version. I usually add it to the body when I use a black background. Some people hate it though. Just a tip, no biggie. mikey
Comment Written 10-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for the review and for the pointers, Mikey. Always very much appreciated.
Comment from alf collier
Hi giraffmang. Incredibly bone chilling. What depiction of the terrors one holds in mind of the 'forever'. Possibly looking at the winner, I think. Loved it, alf
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
|
Hi giraffmang. Incredibly bone chilling. What depiction of the terrors one holds in mind of the 'forever'. Possibly looking at the winner, I think. Loved it, alf
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for the encouraging review, Alf. This was a bit different foe me again - still trying to see what I can do! G
-
Know that feeling!
Comment from Cindy Warren
That's a little creepy, especially the idea that we could end up like them. I have no idea what caused their fate. Good luck in the contest. I think this one could win.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
|
That's a little creepy, especially the idea that we could end up like them. I have no idea what caused their fate. Good luck in the contest. I think this one could win.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for the encouraging words. Much appreciated
Comment from cbat
Your poem is haunting and insightful. Yet it is clean enough to be read by many. After reading this I want to follow and learn more.
Thank you
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
|
Your poem is haunting and insightful. Yet it is clean enough to be read by many. After reading this I want to follow and learn more.
Thank you
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for the fine review. Much appreciated
Comment from wpk0156
Outstanding. The opening stanza stuck me on a personal note, which is the best thing a piece of writing can ever do, in my humble opinion. It immediately brought to mind my mother, who passed away one year ago. The lines "In the shadows where only memories dwell, Echoes of things that once were" were so powerful...Thank you.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
|
Outstanding. The opening stanza stuck me on a personal note, which is the best thing a piece of writing can ever do, in my humble opinion. It immediately brought to mind my mother, who passed away one year ago. The lines "In the shadows where only memories dwell, Echoes of things that once were" were so powerful...Thank you.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015
-
thanks for the great review. Glad you connected with it.