The Mind Masher
not all monsters look scary15 total reviews
Comment from lakeport
the mind masher, indeed there's a lot going on, I enjoyed reading the story. Good luck at the contest. God bless you. Hugs! Lakeport....
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2015
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the mind masher, indeed there's a lot going on, I enjoyed reading the story. Good luck at the contest. God bless you. Hugs! Lakeport....
Comment Written 01-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2015
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Thanks. It didn't win the contest, but I have to admit the winner really deserved it. Hugs in return.
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you are very welcome.Hugs! Lakeport,.
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you are very welcome. Hugs! Lakeport,
Comment from jpduck
A most unusual story. It left me puzzled, though, as to what the 'old man' really wanted. Was it money, attention, power or what?
A typo and a suggestion:
'but he might have to use his 'knock-out gun,' as he'd called it.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'Of course, the gun Joel had given Kevin was real, and the bank was filled with carnage.' (The whole of this sentence we already know -- as you say 'Of course...' I suggest you delete it).
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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A most unusual story. It left me puzzled, though, as to what the 'old man' really wanted. Was it money, attention, power or what?
A typo and a suggestion:
'but he might have to use his 'knock-out gun,' as he'd called it.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'Of course, the gun Joel had given Kevin was real, and the bank was filled with carnage.' (The whole of this sentence we already know -- as you say 'Of course...' I suggest you delete it).
Comment Written 23-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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Thanks. I'll have to take another look at that. The old man isn't as feeble as he appears. He can take control of people's minds, so he didn't instigate the robbery for money. He's having fun. It might have escalated to more, but I don't think this storyline is worth taking any further.
Comment from dmt1967
This could be the next big thing in monsters. I liked reading this story a lot. It was different, but very entertaining and cool. Good luck in the writing prompt and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2015
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This could be the next big thing in monsters. I liked reading this story a lot. It was different, but very entertaining and cool. Good luck in the writing prompt and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2015
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Glad you liked it. Thanks for the stars, the great feedback and the good luck wishes.
Comment from rstonerjr
Ok, look before I write this hand me my cane please. I enjoyed this story. It was told clearly and understandably. The read was smooth and the premiss was enjoyed. You avoided unnecessary information that would have slowed the story line that helped. I didn't need to know what the date was or weather or color of the bench etc. Congratulations on a fine story.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Ok, look before I write this hand me my cane please. I enjoyed this story. It was told clearly and understandably. The read was smooth and the premiss was enjoyed. You avoided unnecessary information that would have slowed the story line that helped. I didn't need to know what the date was or weather or color of the bench etc. Congratulations on a fine story.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Thanks. Do you think readers need to know how Joel acquired his ability? Several reviewers thought so.
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No I think that may be the basis for a follow up tale. This story was the event you wrote. Trying to add all that history would overwhelm s short story to my opinion.
Comment from chasennov
"The Mind Masher" I enjoyed reading this story you have created here and thought the structure was also neat. The body of the main story was quite well formulated. Well done.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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"The Mind Masher" I enjoyed reading this story you have created here and thought the structure was also neat. The body of the main story was quite well formulated. Well done.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Thanks. Glad you enjoyed.
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My pleasure.
Comment from Acquired Taste
In some way this reminds me of Fallen with Denzel Washington. We are taken in by evil, it possesses our souls and we continue forward - are we all basically evil enough to do something like this? Yes, this is a different kind of horror. Much luck in the contest. AT=/
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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In some way this reminds me of Fallen with Denzel Washington. We are taken in by evil, it possesses our souls and we continue forward - are we all basically evil enough to do something like this? Yes, this is a different kind of horror. Much luck in the contest. AT=/
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Thanks. I hope most of us wouldn't do something like this. The world is already in a mess. Joel looked like a helpless old man, but I didn't see him as human. Thanks again for the stars and good luck wishes.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi the author,
Oh dear, the patient from hell in this ambulance, not at all what the paramedics are trained to deal with.
Nice one, and suitably evil into the bargain.
Patrick
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hi the author,
Oh dear, the patient from hell in this ambulance, not at all what the paramedics are trained to deal with.
Nice one, and suitably evil into the bargain.
Patrick
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Thanks. Yep, this guy is trouble, and I imagine he'll be creating more. It could get interesting when he starts messing with cops' minds.
Comment from J Patience
This was an interesting telling. The set-up about who would be the victim was a good draw for me. I was, however, a little put-off by Joel's sudden suggestion about taking money from the bank. The jolt from the cane was unexpected and never explained, though its effects were obvious. I see that it was a "magical brainwashing" storyline. I wasn't distracted by bad spelling or grammar or punctuation, which was nice. But the storyline became less and less involved and believable - as though you were hurrying to finish it within a certain word limit - and my interest waned as the robbery and shootings unfolded. Joel has quite a power. I wonder how he gained it.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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This was an interesting telling. The set-up about who would be the victim was a good draw for me. I was, however, a little put-off by Joel's sudden suggestion about taking money from the bank. The jolt from the cane was unexpected and never explained, though its effects were obvious. I see that it was a "magical brainwashing" storyline. I wasn't distracted by bad spelling or grammar or punctuation, which was nice. But the storyline became less and less involved and believable - as though you were hurrying to finish it within a certain word limit - and my interest waned as the robbery and shootings unfolded. Joel has quite a power. I wonder how he gained it.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Thanks for reading and reviewing
Comment from spe9im
I absolutely loved this story. The pace was great and not knowing who or what Joel is added to the mystery. I could find nothing that I didn't like about this story. Great job and good luck.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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I absolutely loved this story. The pace was great and not knowing who or what Joel is added to the mystery. I could find nothing that I didn't like about this story. Great job and good luck.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Thanks. I didn't see Joel as human, but I'm not exactly sure what he is either. Thanks again for the wonderful review and good luck wishes.
Comment from Carole Rosa
To the author of "The Mind Masher", The story had a good story line, but it was a little hard for me to follow. I wish I could read your other reviews to see if I was totally off track. Good luck in the contest. Carole
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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To the author of "The Mind Masher", The story had a good story line, but it was a little hard for me to follow. I wish I could read your other reviews to see if I was totally off track. Good luck in the contest. Carole
Comment Written 19-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Hi Carole! The guy is looking for victims in the park. He's interested in the footballers, but they're ignoring him. His weakness is that his victim must approach and speak to him first. He's approached by a woman who doesn't appeal to him, but she gives him another idea. The paramedics will be perfect victims. He takes full advantage. The voting for this contest has opened. You're more than welcome to read the other reviews tomorrow, after it closes.