The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "THE PRUDENCE OF THE DILIGENT"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
13 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
It sounds like Doctrex has his worked cut out sorting through all the politics and illegal activity that have come about since the camps were set up.
I liked the way the repeat of 'human behaviour' triggered another memory.
Suggestions:
While I wasn't privy to knowing specifically, how the training officers conveyed the information to the recruits that they no longer owned their crossans
--Delete the comma? And possibly 'the information' too.
"Twenty-three. Seventeen with crossans."
--but earlier Doctrex said 'scores', implying 40+. Can be out down to his ignorance of the exact numbers, but wanted to note it in case that wasn't your intent.
And, the three that I came with, and I, have been here a little over a week.
--Is this dialogue? There's no quotation marks, but the response suggests it is.
The source of income(,) at least to a few people locally(,) was suddenly and completely cut off.
--I think. It feels like it needs the commas somewhere.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2014
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It sounds like Doctrex has his worked cut out sorting through all the politics and illegal activity that have come about since the camps were set up.
I liked the way the repeat of 'human behaviour' triggered another memory.
Suggestions:
While I wasn't privy to knowing specifically, how the training officers conveyed the information to the recruits that they no longer owned their crossans
--Delete the comma? And possibly 'the information' too.
"Twenty-three. Seventeen with crossans."
--but earlier Doctrex said 'scores', implying 40+. Can be out down to his ignorance of the exact numbers, but wanted to note it in case that wasn't your intent.
And, the three that I came with, and I, have been here a little over a week.
--Is this dialogue? There's no quotation marks, but the response suggests it is.
The source of income(,) at least to a few people locally(,) was suddenly and completely cut off.
--I think. It feels like it needs the commas somewhere.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2014
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Thank you for your continuing journey, Alex, and for your kindness and generosity en route. I appreciate your support so much.
Comment from Tina McKala
Repetition at the beginning - I think you don't need to sum up the previous chapter this much in detail (unless it was only for fanstory)
A war against Gnolt Ruether is not enough, there has to be illegal trafficking with crossans meat as well. Oh Doctrex, and you found yourself in the middle of this mess. That can't end up well when you destroy a business of 'Mafia'. Let's see lol
I like this new twist in the story :)
btw. that picture to accompany the story - lol dark humor •??
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014
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Repetition at the beginning - I think you don't need to sum up the previous chapter this much in detail (unless it was only for fanstory)
A war against Gnolt Ruether is not enough, there has to be illegal trafficking with crossans meat as well. Oh Doctrex, and you found yourself in the middle of this mess. That can't end up well when you destroy a business of 'Mafia'. Let's see lol
I like this new twist in the story :)
btw. that picture to accompany the story - lol dark humor •??
Comment Written 01-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014
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I'll note that repetition thing, Tina. Thanks for pointing out that repetition thing, Tina. I'm not usually guilty of that repetition thing, Tina. Ummm, thanks. LOL, those are put in my folder for the final audit, since it requires so much mulling over. I'm so happy, though that it resonated in you.
Comment from Liandra
Another well written chapter. Has Doctrex started something that may rebound onto him? I hope not.
This sentence:
[The last two words were underscored twice and I noticed a hole his pen had made at the end of the final underscore.]
Your descriptive words painted a very clear picture that the letter was written in anger and wanted Doctrex to take notice or else!
I'm eager to know how he'll respond later when in battle.
He's knowledgeable and has no fear. I wonder why - who is he really and where's he from?
I know you won't tell me yet, so I'll be patient!
:) Liandra
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Another well written chapter. Has Doctrex started something that may rebound onto him? I hope not.
This sentence:
[The last two words were underscored twice and I noticed a hole his pen had made at the end of the final underscore.]
Your descriptive words painted a very clear picture that the letter was written in anger and wanted Doctrex to take notice or else!
I'm eager to know how he'll respond later when in battle.
He's knowledgeable and has no fear. I wonder why - who is he really and where's he from?
I know you won't tell me yet, so I'll be patient!
:) Liandra
Comment Written 25-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Yeah, I thought that was a bit cheesy, using the hole his pen made on the line. But as long as it wasn't overly dramatic -- that's the main thing. I'm happy you liked the chapter and seem invested in Doctrex. You are so much fun to write for, Liandra, you know that?
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No, it wasn't cheesy at all - it added more suspense. Doctrex is a mystery and I love solving mysteries - unfortunately Jay, I have to be patient and look for more clues...
I'm happy you enjoy my feedback, so bring it on!
hugs,
Liandra
Comment from krprice
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
I signed, sealed, and addressed. . .
He didn't question the. . . He went . . change delete to an active verb. Perhaps marched, strode, dashed . . .
Good chapter.
I like the conflict between the commander and Docterx.
Karlene
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Delete unnecessary 'that's.
I signed, sealed, and addressed. . .
He didn't question the. . . He went . . change delete to an active verb. Perhaps marched, strode, dashed . . .
Good chapter.
I like the conflict between the commander and Docterx.
Karlene
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Karlene. I kept going back to that comma. Since it was after a series, I thought it could be ignored. I found there is a lot of controversy over that. Some say do, some don't. My source says to delete after a series of three (which this wasn't). Besides, it said when in doubt leave it in. Since it was a series of two, and I had doubt, I added it. Thanks.
I guess all seasoned writers try to avoid the commonplace verbs and are always looking for different ways of looking, smiling, walking, going (with the tenses, like went). I anguish over just about each one, but, you know, sometimes we can overdo it and our writing becomes stylized.
On the other hand, you have made me look at every single "that" and I've been able to eliminate a lot of them. Sometimes they are necessary.
PLEASE, keep pointing out specific instances of what sounds wrong to your ear. I do follow up on all.
Thanks,
Jay
Comment from Writingfundimension
The verbal sparring between Doctrex and Commander Djars is especially well written in this chapter, Jay. I think I've missed a chapter or two while out of town. But I had no trouble picking up the thread of the story. What a horrible thing to do to those men as I remember they have a special fondness for their crossans. Well done, as always.
Bev
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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The verbal sparring between Doctrex and Commander Djars is especially well written in this chapter, Jay. I think I've missed a chapter or two while out of town. But I had no trouble picking up the thread of the story. What a horrible thing to do to those men as I remember they have a special fondness for their crossans. Well done, as always.
Bev
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Bev. I missed you. I'm glad you were able to jump aboard without losing too much. Hope to see you next time.
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You're very welcome, Jay. No traveling in the forseeable future LoL.
Comment from GWHARGIS
I like that Doctrex goes over the translations and pats himself on the back when he is successful. Nice letter from Klasco. It shows that he is a humanitarian and an animal lover which may be a henderence in the military. I am wondering what the second letter has to say.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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I like that Doctrex goes over the translations and pats himself on the back when he is successful. Nice letter from Klasco. It shows that he is a humanitarian and an animal lover which may be a henderence in the military. I am wondering what the second letter has to say.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Gretchen, for attending. I am so glad when a writer I respect so is enjoying my novel.
Comment from dreamin'
Jay,
That was mean! What's in Klasco's letter???
Ooooh, now we're getting somewhere: "...an image flashed into my mind of world-weary man, perched behind a large, polished desk, chin resting on the balled fist of his right hand, whose arm extended out of the sleeve of a dark blue suit. ...looking at the image of this man, but rather looking out from his own eyes."
No critique. Most excellent. Where's the next chapter?
Thanks
Debbie
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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Jay,
That was mean! What's in Klasco's letter???
Ooooh, now we're getting somewhere: "...an image flashed into my mind of world-weary man, perched behind a large, polished desk, chin resting on the balled fist of his right hand, whose arm extended out of the sleeve of a dark blue suit. ...looking at the image of this man, but rather looking out from his own eyes."
No critique. Most excellent. Where's the next chapter?
Thanks
Debbie
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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Thanks so much for the 6-er, Debbie and the nice words. Next chapter as soon as I garner enough bucks to promote it.
Comment from Selina Stambi
I'm way behind in reviewing, Jay. Looks like I've missed a couple of chapters.
Doc has settled into his role as general with great ease and panache it seems.
Wonder what Klasco has to say? (I'll have to make sure I come back, don't I?)
Some misplaced/absent commas - otherwise no corrections required, as far as I could see.
A good chapter. I'm smelling a rat (and dead crossans) - is Djars at the top of the slaughter ring? Hmm...
Hope you had a wonderful weekend.
Sonali
to knowing specifically (comma not required here) how the training officers
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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I'm way behind in reviewing, Jay. Looks like I've missed a couple of chapters.
Doc has settled into his role as general with great ease and panache it seems.
Wonder what Klasco has to say? (I'll have to make sure I come back, don't I?)
Some misplaced/absent commas - otherwise no corrections required, as far as I could see.
A good chapter. I'm smelling a rat (and dead crossans) - is Djars at the top of the slaughter ring? Hmm...
Hope you had a wonderful weekend.
Sonali
to knowing specifically (comma not required here) how the training officers
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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I had a great weekend, Sonali. Hope you did as well. AND WELCOME BACK! Commas! I love 'em. I hate 'em. I love you, though, so don't stay away too long...
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The garden and the lovely weather are seductive sirens, Jay, and I'm hopelessly tangled in their mesh!
Comment from Walter L. Jones
My friend you work the edges so very well, almost like a well oiled trap, I follow like one of the children at your feet waiting the next adventure.. Walt
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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My friend you work the edges so very well, almost like a well oiled trap, I follow like one of the children at your feet waiting the next adventure.. Walt
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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You know the secret, Walter, you sly fox. Work the edges, keep it oiled. I have hundreds of children here. You and a few others are of the boomerang generation. You keep coming home. Thank God! And, I love it when you bring the "gold" with you. Thanks for the 6-er, good friend.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi.You send those 'scanning bar' readers to me:-) I would love a nice long chapter from these stories. That is my only complaint, it would be nice to have a 'normal, book chapter, size'. Something I can sink my teeth into and get into.
I like these characters and enjoy the develpoment...
Anyway, I kept thinking; shurely the Army needs supply horses, pack horses, messager horses...ooooops, no money with those horses,...urgh.
But, it is a good way to show his character and what he will have to deal with, layers of crap from every side.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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Hi.You send those 'scanning bar' readers to me:-) I would love a nice long chapter from these stories. That is my only complaint, it would be nice to have a 'normal, book chapter, size'. Something I can sink my teeth into and get into.
I like these characters and enjoy the develpoment...
Anyway, I kept thinking; shurely the Army needs supply horses, pack horses, messager horses...ooooops, no money with those horses,...urgh.
But, it is a good way to show his character and what he will have to deal with, layers of crap from every side.
padumachitta
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Padumachitta! You know, of course, you stand pretty much alone with your desire for long FS chapters... Thank you for always being here for me.
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Hi, I don't 'get it', I mean are we not writers and readers? I like to delve into words, into the mind of the characters. I want to see and feel the winds of another world. Why, would I want short chapter?, I can hardly get my toes wet, never mind dive right in:-)
Oh well, I am a dreamer at best...
padumachitta
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You are a good dreamer ... the kind I want reading my stuff. Thanks!
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hey, the pleasure is mine, I just want to know what happens to your fellas...I have a curious mind...and hell, I love a good story...pc