The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "REHEARSING THE LIE"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
15 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Doctrex is getting good at spinning lies. Is this the owner of his body exerting itself on him at the end?
Suggestions/nits:
"meet my brother Doctrex Braanz.(")
Well, okay, I am your older brother.
They know some of my history, not all.
--Don't need the new line.
Words and thoughts were formulating in my mind.
"I don't think you give your lovely family's hospitality
--Make one para because it's Doctrex thinking then speaking.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2014
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Doctrex is getting good at spinning lies. Is this the owner of his body exerting itself on him at the end?
Suggestions/nits:
"meet my brother Doctrex Braanz.(")
Well, okay, I am your older brother.
They know some of my history, not all.
--Don't need the new line.
Words and thoughts were formulating in my mind.
"I don't think you give your lovely family's hospitality
--Make one para because it's Doctrex thinking then speaking.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2014
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Thanks, Alex. You have such a good eye. I'll include these suggestions in my final audit.
Comment from Tina McKala
Well, here we are :) it is really interesting how well doctrex playes his new role. He really is a great liar, i wonder what he was doing before he lost his memory. It kind of looks like his old sel fis asking for a permission to come on the surface. Very well written scenes - both they coming to the council and then the meeting.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Well, here we are :) it is really interesting how well doctrex playes his new role. He really is a great liar, i wonder what he was doing before he lost his memory. It kind of looks like his old sel fis asking for a permission to come on the surface. Very well written scenes - both they coming to the council and then the meeting.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Where have you been, Tina? I thought you'd already read these chapters. Well, I'm glad you're playing catch up, any way. I need your input.
Comment from Liandra
Oh wow! He's coming into his power. I hope he waits until he's in his full power. He seems to be opening 'doors' now and I can't wait to see what he has locked away in that mind of his.
Great writing.
I'll catch up with the next chapter later today.
:)
Liandra
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2014
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Oh wow! He's coming into his power. I hope he waits until he's in his full power. He seems to be opening 'doors' now and I can't wait to see what he has locked away in that mind of his.
Great writing.
I'll catch up with the next chapter later today.
:)
Liandra
Comment Written 04-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Liandra. I'm tickled you are liking it. I think you'll find the next chapter interesting as well. I hope!
Comment from dreamin'
Great dialogue, Jay. It flowed smooth as butter. The only thing that tripped me up was this single sentence. "When he travelled to the Far South I lost contact with him for a spell."
Given your highly imaginative mind, what with all the three and four Ds, quardo, Klaarkin and Kabeeze, I think the words FOR A SPELL could be something more colorful. They just seem to be too much of this world, and not Klasco's. Just a thought.
As always, thanks for a good read. Now I'm off to read the next bit.
Debbie
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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Great dialogue, Jay. It flowed smooth as butter. The only thing that tripped me up was this single sentence. "When he travelled to the Far South I lost contact with him for a spell."
Given your highly imaginative mind, what with all the three and four Ds, quardo, Klaarkin and Kabeeze, I think the words FOR A SPELL could be something more colorful. They just seem to be too much of this world, and not Klasco's. Just a thought.
As always, thanks for a good read. Now I'm off to read the next bit.
Debbie
Comment Written 03-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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Thank you for reading and for the strong advise. I think I see what you mean. I'll have to give it a bit of mulling over. Not a whole lot of color in that word. LOL, but I will look closely at it. Again, thanks, Debbie.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
Trying to catch up. Dialogue issue here:
--I added a year to the fifteen. "And, when would I have left for Lumen?"
"What do you think ... about four D?"
"That's good. We couldn't be expected to remember those things exactly."
>>You may wish to point to who is talking in the third line. Also, it sounds a bit out of character the That's good. This is what threw me off. It seems that the roles are reversed. Shouldn't Doctrex be uncertain and Klasco be certain?
>>I added a year to the fifteen. "And, when would I have left for Lumen?"
"What do you think ... about four D?"
"That's good. We couldn't be expected to remember those things exactly."<<
--About four-d.
>>About four-D.<<
Caps all or none.
--We clacked along without talking.
Sounds odd to use "clacked" so many times.
--except for a fringe the size of an index finger just above his ears.
>>Index finger? Why not thumb or pinkie? And is the finger lying or vertical? You may wish to use another way of measuring the amount of hair.
--"Britold," Klasco said, "meet my brother Doctrex Braanz.
>>"Britold," Klasco said, "meet my brother Doctrex Braanz."<<
--"Oh, yes, to find anyone to volunteer to enlist--but here were three volunteers!"
Odd sentence.
--"Did you present your decision to the Council, Britold?"
He's been saying Britold many times in his dialogue. You may wish to consider taking some out, as it seemed forced. But add whoever is doing the speaking to avoid confusion.
--"His given name is Zurn." He spelled it.
>>"His given name is Zurn." Klasco spelled it. <<
--I shook my head.
"But, you have it in the enlistment logs, don't you?"
>>I shook my head.
Klasco turned to Britold. "But, you have it in the enlistment logs, don't you?"<<
--"Yes, sir. I've forgotten it, too." He looked momentarily unfocused. "So you want me to ...?"
>>"Yes, sir. I've forgotten it, too." Britold looked momentarily unfocused. "So you want me to ...?"<<
When you have more than two characters speaking in a dialogue, you may wish to say the name of whoever is speaking to avoid confusion.
--"No, Sir."
>>Sir vs sir. You switch between the two. Caps or no caps.
--Turning on his heel, he left the way he came.
>>He couldn't have left while turning on his heel. A typical mistake. He did one, then the other, and "turning" alludes to doing both at once.
--At the end of the hall we turned in the opposite direction as
>>turning, turned, too close together.
--Doctrex Braanz. Lumen. Klaarkin. About four-d. "Yes, I believe I am."
Non-sequitur. I would cut out his thoughts as they don't add to the continuity, rather distract. Also, if you wish to keep it, four-d. Caps or no caps.
--Klasco pushed open the door and I followed him into an entry room with the far wall constructed entirely of glass,
>>Klasco pushed open the door and I followed him into an entry room with the far wall made entirely of glass, <<
--They were talking, but no words penetrated the glass.
>>penetrate vs pass through. Not the same.
>>They were talking, but no words passed through the glass.<<
--An attractive woman sat behind a desk to the left as we entered.
>>as ... It seems that she sat there as they entered, not before or after. Similar issue as with turning.
>>When we entered, I saw an attractive woman sitting behind a desk to the left.<<
--"The Council convened a while ago. Were they expecting you?"
>>It sounds like they convened and the meeting is over.
>>"The Council convened a while ago. Are they expecting you?"<<
--"As you wish," he said, visibly relaxing,
>>"As you wish," Klasco said, visibly relaxing,<<
--"Eight ... but, Brother,
>>"Eight ... but, brother, <<
--"Indeed!" Gylo said; while Klasco and others of the Council included me in talk of sundry matters, I noticed Gylo was indirectly studying me.
>>"Indeed!" Gylo said. Then Klasco and others of the Council included me in talk of sundry matters, I noticed Gylo was indirectly studying me.<<
--All eyes were now on him.
>>All eyes were on him now.<<
--A part of me that I was confused by and not liking too much, didn't want him to control such a vital statement of intent.
>>Odd sentence.
Sometimes it seems to me that Doctrex is not careful enough and puts his foot in when he should know better. This creates a sense of disquiet, that I'm not sure is what you intend. Maybe you do.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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Hi Jay,
Trying to catch up. Dialogue issue here:
--I added a year to the fifteen. "And, when would I have left for Lumen?"
"What do you think ... about four D?"
"That's good. We couldn't be expected to remember those things exactly."
>>You may wish to point to who is talking in the third line. Also, it sounds a bit out of character the That's good. This is what threw me off. It seems that the roles are reversed. Shouldn't Doctrex be uncertain and Klasco be certain?
>>I added a year to the fifteen. "And, when would I have left for Lumen?"
"What do you think ... about four D?"
"That's good. We couldn't be expected to remember those things exactly."<<
--About four-d.
>>About four-D.<<
Caps all or none.
--We clacked along without talking.
Sounds odd to use "clacked" so many times.
--except for a fringe the size of an index finger just above his ears.
>>Index finger? Why not thumb or pinkie? And is the finger lying or vertical? You may wish to use another way of measuring the amount of hair.
--"Britold," Klasco said, "meet my brother Doctrex Braanz.
>>"Britold," Klasco said, "meet my brother Doctrex Braanz."<<
--"Oh, yes, to find anyone to volunteer to enlist--but here were three volunteers!"
Odd sentence.
--"Did you present your decision to the Council, Britold?"
He's been saying Britold many times in his dialogue. You may wish to consider taking some out, as it seemed forced. But add whoever is doing the speaking to avoid confusion.
--"His given name is Zurn." He spelled it.
>>"His given name is Zurn." Klasco spelled it. <<
--I shook my head.
"But, you have it in the enlistment logs, don't you?"
>>I shook my head.
Klasco turned to Britold. "But, you have it in the enlistment logs, don't you?"<<
--"Yes, sir. I've forgotten it, too." He looked momentarily unfocused. "So you want me to ...?"
>>"Yes, sir. I've forgotten it, too." Britold looked momentarily unfocused. "So you want me to ...?"<<
When you have more than two characters speaking in a dialogue, you may wish to say the name of whoever is speaking to avoid confusion.
--"No, Sir."
>>Sir vs sir. You switch between the two. Caps or no caps.
--Turning on his heel, he left the way he came.
>>He couldn't have left while turning on his heel. A typical mistake. He did one, then the other, and "turning" alludes to doing both at once.
--At the end of the hall we turned in the opposite direction as
>>turning, turned, too close together.
--Doctrex Braanz. Lumen. Klaarkin. About four-d. "Yes, I believe I am."
Non-sequitur. I would cut out his thoughts as they don't add to the continuity, rather distract. Also, if you wish to keep it, four-d. Caps or no caps.
--Klasco pushed open the door and I followed him into an entry room with the far wall constructed entirely of glass,
>>Klasco pushed open the door and I followed him into an entry room with the far wall made entirely of glass, <<
--They were talking, but no words penetrated the glass.
>>penetrate vs pass through. Not the same.
>>They were talking, but no words passed through the glass.<<
--An attractive woman sat behind a desk to the left as we entered.
>>as ... It seems that she sat there as they entered, not before or after. Similar issue as with turning.
>>When we entered, I saw an attractive woman sitting behind a desk to the left.<<
--"The Council convened a while ago. Were they expecting you?"
>>It sounds like they convened and the meeting is over.
>>"The Council convened a while ago. Are they expecting you?"<<
--"As you wish," he said, visibly relaxing,
>>"As you wish," Klasco said, visibly relaxing,<<
--"Eight ... but, Brother,
>>"Eight ... but, brother, <<
--"Indeed!" Gylo said; while Klasco and others of the Council included me in talk of sundry matters, I noticed Gylo was indirectly studying me.
>>"Indeed!" Gylo said. Then Klasco and others of the Council included me in talk of sundry matters, I noticed Gylo was indirectly studying me.<<
--All eyes were now on him.
>>All eyes were on him now.<<
--A part of me that I was confused by and not liking too much, didn't want him to control such a vital statement of intent.
>>Odd sentence.
Sometimes it seems to me that Doctrex is not careful enough and puts his foot in when he should know better. This creates a sense of disquiet, that I'm not sure is what you intend. Maybe you do.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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Some GOOD meaty stuff, Leo. This is nothing I'm going to rush in and change immediately. There's just too much that could be (and maybe need be) character changing. You know what I mean. But, you've taken a lot of time on this and I appreciate your thoroughness. Thanks, my friend!
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Yer welcome. It was about time, wasn't it? Hehe.
Comment from krprice
Our feet. . . Unless they are barefoot, it should be shoes or boots.
Klasco pushed. . . An attractive. . . Instead of saying attractive tell us why she is attractive. Large green eyes, long silky blonde hair or whatever.
Good chapter part 1.
Karlene
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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Our feet. . . Unless they are barefoot, it should be shoes or boots.
Klasco pushed. . . An attractive. . . Instead of saying attractive tell us why she is attractive. Large green eyes, long silky blonde hair or whatever.
Good chapter part 1.
Karlene
Comment Written 03-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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Thanks again, karlene for your second read. I'm afraid I don't understand "Our feet. . . Unless they are barefoot, it should be shoes or boots."
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Instead of saying Our feet, why not say our boots or our shoes. If you say Our feet, it gives the impression they are barefoot.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hi Jay,
This is just the right length. I enjoyed the read - hope Doc doesn't slip up and trip on his own story!
Another enjoyable chapter. No spags that I could see - hurrah!
Have a lovely week,
Sonali
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2014
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Hi Jay,
This is just the right length. I enjoyed the read - hope Doc doesn't slip up and trip on his own story!
Another enjoyable chapter. No spags that I could see - hurrah!
Have a lovely week,
Sonali
Comment Written 02-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2014
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Thank you for reading, Sonali. The next chapter will answer that question. I appreciate your enthusiasm.
Comment from Ritsal
Impressed that Doctrex can keep all his stories straight. Maybe he was pathological in prior life? :D
...but these were three --should that be there were three?
The council joined Gylo--Council
I was waiting for an urging from it. I could feel it coming on now. --suggest rewording this --maybe: I was waiting for it to decide. or perhaps "bail me out."
Best wishes,
Rita
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2014
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Impressed that Doctrex can keep all his stories straight. Maybe he was pathological in prior life? :D
...but these were three --should that be there were three?
The council joined Gylo--Council
I was waiting for an urging from it. I could feel it coming on now. --suggest rewording this --maybe: I was waiting for it to decide. or perhaps "bail me out."
Best wishes,
Rita
Comment Written 02-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Rita! I appreciate, as always, your reading this. I modified the "...but these were three." I changed it to ,"but here were three volunteers!" About the third point which, I think, was your problem with "urging from it," I decided to keep it that way. The reason is because I am trying to capture something that he doesn't understand, but he felt as a kind of mental nudging from an outside source. I don't think he's ready to accept that it will decide for him or bail him out. He's kind of in awe of it. That's about all I can say. Next chapter and the one following will give more clarity on that.
Comment from marion
Hi there, Jay
It was good to read some of your work again. Of course, I can't get the gist of the story over this one small chapter, but I can say that I love (and remember) your clear concise writing. And your narrative - its minimal in this chapter, but when it kicks it, its good. I imagine from the little I have read that this would be a very good story, although I have never been a read of fantasy fiction. Here are a few things I spotted, and a couple of comments.
And, when would I have left for Lumen(.)?"
"What do you think ... about four D?(")
"That's right. In Klaarkin. Mother remarried when I was three.(")
Good sentencing: (there are others as well!)
Rounding a hallway corner ahead and coming toward us at a fast clip was a tall man with a bald head, except for a
fringe the size of an index finger just above his ears. His face was ruddy, bordering on the red of one who held his breath too long.
"Britold," Klasco said, "meet my brother Doctrex Braanz.
You remember three brothers coming here to enlist.(?)"
"Are we ready,(/)" Klasco asked me.
(S)ir or (s)ir
"Mr. Braanz," she said. (")The council convened a short while ago. Were they expecting you?"
"I'll be only a moment.(")
Gylo said; (just use a ,) while
to be spoiled by your family.(")
More good sentencing ... keeps the reader intrigued:
The council joined Gylo in laughing at my admission of human weakness. When their laughter ended, their smiles and their eyes remained fixed on mine. Klasco, too, was smiling but in a rather confounded way. I was sure he wondered where in the world I was going with all this. I wasn't sure myself--yet. There was an isolated, dispassionate part of myself that was taking everything in. I was waiting for an urging from it. I could feel it coming on now.
Hope that helps.
M.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2014
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Hi there, Jay
It was good to read some of your work again. Of course, I can't get the gist of the story over this one small chapter, but I can say that I love (and remember) your clear concise writing. And your narrative - its minimal in this chapter, but when it kicks it, its good. I imagine from the little I have read that this would be a very good story, although I have never been a read of fantasy fiction. Here are a few things I spotted, and a couple of comments.
And, when would I have left for Lumen(.)?"
"What do you think ... about four D?(")
"That's right. In Klaarkin. Mother remarried when I was three.(")
Good sentencing: (there are others as well!)
Rounding a hallway corner ahead and coming toward us at a fast clip was a tall man with a bald head, except for a
fringe the size of an index finger just above his ears. His face was ruddy, bordering on the red of one who held his breath too long.
"Britold," Klasco said, "meet my brother Doctrex Braanz.
You remember three brothers coming here to enlist.(?)"
"Are we ready,(/)" Klasco asked me.
(S)ir or (s)ir
"Mr. Braanz," she said. (")The council convened a short while ago. Were they expecting you?"
"I'll be only a moment.(")
Gylo said; (just use a ,) while
to be spoiled by your family.(")
More good sentencing ... keeps the reader intrigued:
The council joined Gylo in laughing at my admission of human weakness. When their laughter ended, their smiles and their eyes remained fixed on mine. Klasco, too, was smiling but in a rather confounded way. I was sure he wondered where in the world I was going with all this. I wasn't sure myself--yet. There was an isolated, dispassionate part of myself that was taking everything in. I was waiting for an urging from it. I could feel it coming on now.
Hope that helps.
M.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2014
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SO happy to got to read this. Yes, it's a difficult chapter to jump into without a sense of the history (beyond the pre-chapter summary of the previous one). This is the first fantasy I've written. I don't particularly liked to read them (so, don't ask why I chose to write one. I'd have to point to a very tall mountain people choose to climb because it's there.) I am horrified at all the misses you picked up: the slipped quote marks and ill-chosen periods, instead of question marks. You have been so helpful! I need to go back right now and make the corrections before others read who won't be so generous with the stars. Hugs to you and multi thanks!
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Pleasure - I don't drop stars for little things like this, although I do for technicality. If the writing stands up to five-star overall (or six) then I give those stars! If this was poetry, and it had more than one, then I would drop a star! Everyone has a different criteria for reviewing!
Comment from A Matter Of Words
Great piece of suspense to leave the reader with. Life gets very interesting for those who weave webs and fight like hell to remember where the sticky strands lie. Very nicely written, Jay. The aura of doubt is very palpable and the male "Cybil" popping thoughts into Doctrex's head and words into his mouth promises to prove very interesting. An alter ego/past life emerging? Another great read....Stephanie
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Great piece of suspense to leave the reader with. Life gets very interesting for those who weave webs and fight like hell to remember where the sticky strands lie. Very nicely written, Jay. The aura of doubt is very palpable and the male "Cybil" popping thoughts into Doctrex's head and words into his mouth promises to prove very interesting. An alter ego/past life emerging? Another great read....Stephanie
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Stephanie for your kind words and the stars. The next two chapters may make you think a bit differently about the origin of the thoughts. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
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You're welcome...That sounds intriguing. I look forward to reading it.