The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "KLASCO VISITS DISNEYLAND"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
16 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
I like the comparison to Disneyland, and Klasco's reactions. Keeps it interesting, despite Doctrex repeating events already seen.
Nits:
He smiled at me and I nodded, as to give his words credence.
--delete 'as'?
The boy rodent's name is Mickey Mouse, The girl rodent's Minnie Mouse.
--Either full stop, or little 't' on second 'the'.
"I'll swear, Doctrex(,) you have
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2014
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I like the comparison to Disneyland, and Klasco's reactions. Keeps it interesting, despite Doctrex repeating events already seen.
Nits:
He smiled at me and I nodded, as to give his words credence.
--delete 'as'?
The boy rodent's name is Mickey Mouse, The girl rodent's Minnie Mouse.
--Either full stop, or little 't' on second 'the'.
"I'll swear, Doctrex(,) you have
Comment Written 29-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2014
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Yeah, the repetition thing. I'm probably not giving the reader enough credit for intelligence. You know how it goes with Fanstory, though, especially with the artificial shortening of chapters to keep readers coming back ... and the new readers you pick up who want to know what happened before. So different from a completed novel.
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Yes. Getting it to work on FS is an art in itself. Sometimes it feels like recap+character list ends up being longer than the chopped up chapter.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Another one, Jay:
Though it was well written, while I was reading this I was thinking that I'd already gone over these events "in real life" ... the fist time it happened. I'm not sure you want to return to the same events in "telling" mode, that is, Doctrex relating the events that he'd gone through. I understand that you are trying to have Klasco hear it, as this is an interpersonal discussion about truth, lies and believability, but for the reader, you've already presented the action in a more immediate manner.
So perhaps you may wish to consider this and shorten the repetition of events.
I found one snag:
-- and so I prepared a test for the theory."
>> and so I prepared to test the theory."<<
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Another one, Jay:
Though it was well written, while I was reading this I was thinking that I'd already gone over these events "in real life" ... the fist time it happened. I'm not sure you want to return to the same events in "telling" mode, that is, Doctrex relating the events that he'd gone through. I understand that you are trying to have Klasco hear it, as this is an interpersonal discussion about truth, lies and believability, but for the reader, you've already presented the action in a more immediate manner.
So perhaps you may wish to consider this and shorten the repetition of events.
I found one snag:
-- and so I prepared a test for the theory."
>> and so I prepared to test the theory."<<
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Leo. I am aware of the problem. And, I agree with you. I will balance one telling with the other for the final revision. Thanks for bringing it to my attention, though.
Comment from Tina McKala
This was another very good chapter. I have no suggestions this time :)
but one advice - double check whether you are allowed to use names Disneyland, Mickey Mouse, Minie Mouse, Tigger - I believe Disney (the company) has a copyright. In case you want to publish (selfpublish), try to contact them and ask for a permission to use those names - still better than have a (legal) trouble later on.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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This was another very good chapter. I have no suggestions this time :)
but one advice - double check whether you are allowed to use names Disneyland, Mickey Mouse, Minie Mouse, Tigger - I believe Disney (the company) has a copyright. In case you want to publish (selfpublish), try to contact them and ask for a permission to use those names - still better than have a (legal) trouble later on.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Tina, thank you for bringing that to my attention. I didn't even think of copyright infringement. I don't wanna mess with the big boys. Bullies all!
Comment from A Matter Of Words
Though most all fiction we write is some sort of fantasy conjured in our minds, this world you have created is absolutely mesmerizing to me. I love the Disneyland analogy. Your description of that fine line between what is real and what is not, was beautifully described - tigger vs tiger., etc...Great chapter.
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Though most all fiction we write is some sort of fantasy conjured in our minds, this world you have created is absolutely mesmerizing to me. I love the Disneyland analogy. Your description of that fine line between what is real and what is not, was beautifully described - tigger vs tiger., etc...Great chapter.
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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I'm glad you got to this before it dropped, Stephanie. I'm tickled you liked this. Yes, there is something that touches the deep layers of myth in Disneyland, isn't there?
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The first time I went to Disneyland was when I was 12. I was captivated by the coming to life of storybook characters and all of the animation. But once I walked out of the gates, real life walked stride-for-stride again. The membrane reminded me of when I looked back and saw the castle looming in the other side of the gates.
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Disneyland was an important image to the chapter. I'm glad you felt personal application as well. Cool!
Comment from Liandra
Another very interesting chapter. I know how Doctrex feels when telling his experience, frustrated and a little annoyed. He knows it happened for real, getting others to understand is difficult. I have included in my book experiences I had when in cardiac arrest. Hard to convince others with closed minds.
I think though that Klasco will eventually believe.
Good writing,
hugs,
Liandra
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Another very interesting chapter. I know how Doctrex feels when telling his experience, frustrated and a little annoyed. He knows it happened for real, getting others to understand is difficult. I have included in my book experiences I had when in cardiac arrest. Hard to convince others with closed minds.
I think though that Klasco will eventually believe.
Good writing,
hugs,
Liandra
Comment Written 30-May-2014
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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When in cardiac arrest!!! What? I don't think you'd find me with a closed mind, Liandra. Only shock that it happened. Not many come back from something like that. When they do, I for one listen! Oh... thank you so much for your unique take on "The Trining." I got distracted. Whoa!
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You know what, you're reaction brought tears to my eyes. There are so many out there who do not understand that there's so much more beyond this restrictive existence we call living. 'The Trining' is exceptional. You are touching the unknown that humans either cannot or do not want to know about. Those who do want to know, will soak up all the information that is written by you, because your writing is different and a source of opening doors to the enquiring mind. Don't hold back, whatever your vision sees, forge ahead.
Thank you, Jay,
hugs,
Liandra
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Oh, my God. Now you brought tears to my eyes! Aren't we a couple, now! Thanks, Liandra. Your words give me hope through dark days.
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There's always hope coupled with knowing and believing.
I hope your days aren't too dark. I have found that the closer a person is to the truth of existence as a human, the higher we fly and then knowing becomes wisdom. I hope that makes sense.
Hugs,
Liandra
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It makes perfect sense, Liandra. No, my days aren't THAT dark. LOL, but what's a poet without his "dark night of the soul" (or in this case, day). Speaking of which, it is day here now, and lovely, hot and sparkly. I hope yours is where you are.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay,
talk about â?¢Doctrex being a great story teller. I know why You made it so with you pen and paper.
It seem â?¢Doctrex is slowly getting his memory
I liked how he(you) described Dinsey Land
Gert
reply by the author on 30-May-2014
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Hello Jay,
talk about â?¢Doctrex being a great story teller. I know why You made it so with you pen and paper.
It seem â?¢Doctrex is slowly getting his memory
I liked how he(you) described Dinsey Land
Gert
Comment Written 30-May-2014
reply by the author on 30-May-2014
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Thank you Gert for jumping aboard for this chapter. It means a lot to me that folks like The Trining.
Comment from c_lucas
The reality of Disneyland is the actors are paid to play the roles of cartoon characters. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 30-May-2014
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The reality of Disneyland is the actors are paid to play the roles of cartoon characters. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 30-May-2014
reply by the author on 30-May-2014
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Thanks, Charlie for your review and the stars.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from maggieadams
You have quite an imagination, mr. Jay, I am quite lost, but I could relate to the paragraph about our Disneyland with the upright rodents and the friendly tiger named tigger. Maybe you can give me a speeded up version and catch me up. I did read the list of characters and settings.
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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You have quite an imagination, mr. Jay, I am quite lost, but I could relate to the paragraph about our Disneyland with the upright rodents and the friendly tiger named tigger. Maybe you can give me a speeded up version and catch me up. I did read the list of characters and settings.
Comment Written 29-May-2014
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Thank you, Maggie, for stopping by. The only thing I could suggest, if you wanted to jump on board for the remaining ten or so chapters of book one, would be to read the summaries of each chapter starting with chapter 2 and continuing on to the one before the present chapter. You can paste summaries on one document and you'll have a pretty good running account. I just wouldn't know where to begin to catch you up. Whether you do or not, I'm just honored you stopped by to read this chapter.
Comment from dreamin'
Hi Jay,
Good imagery at the beginning with Zurn interacting with the crossans, and good dialogue to finish up their time at the Inn.
Best line: "Lose a limb," the doctor said, "or lose a life. Infection doesn't care which."
I loved the Disneyland Analogy.
Rewrite and comments beginning with the 5th to the last paragraph beginning "I described my antics..
Suggested rewrite:
"I described how I taunted the Pomnots into attacking me, and how I was completely blindsided by how the membrane stretched itself to the point of nearly rupturing. Klasco's eyes were huge and unblinking when I told him I could see the angry face of the creature when the membrane bumped me, and how relieved I was when it flung the Pomnot back into the yellow fog.
Klasco's wide eyes peered over a palm that didn't quite cover his spreading grin. After I shared Axtilla's reaction to the stunned look on my face, I feared he was going to tumble off his seat, so taken over was he by laughter.
"I'll swear, Doctrex you have--you have the gift of storytelling," he said once he was recovered.
"So you think I'm just entertaining you with stories, as I did your family?"
Klasco appeared to consider it a moment before he asked: "If I told you that story what would you think?"
I admitted that I would probably think the same. "But," I held up a finger to let him know I had more to say, "if you persisted in your need to convince me it was true, and I felt you had been truthful about everything else, I would try very hard to suspend judgment." I took a deep breath.
Jay, I'm sorry, I am having a hard time with this last part. I have read it several times, but I honestly don't know what you are saying here... "if you told me that the whole structure of everything worthwhile I believed about you would collapse if I couldn't accept an even more difficult truth..."
thanks,
Debbie
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
Good imagery at the beginning with Zurn interacting with the crossans, and good dialogue to finish up their time at the Inn.
Best line: "Lose a limb," the doctor said, "or lose a life. Infection doesn't care which."
I loved the Disneyland Analogy.
Rewrite and comments beginning with the 5th to the last paragraph beginning "I described my antics..
Suggested rewrite:
"I described how I taunted the Pomnots into attacking me, and how I was completely blindsided by how the membrane stretched itself to the point of nearly rupturing. Klasco's eyes were huge and unblinking when I told him I could see the angry face of the creature when the membrane bumped me, and how relieved I was when it flung the Pomnot back into the yellow fog.
Klasco's wide eyes peered over a palm that didn't quite cover his spreading grin. After I shared Axtilla's reaction to the stunned look on my face, I feared he was going to tumble off his seat, so taken over was he by laughter.
"I'll swear, Doctrex you have--you have the gift of storytelling," he said once he was recovered.
"So you think I'm just entertaining you with stories, as I did your family?"
Klasco appeared to consider it a moment before he asked: "If I told you that story what would you think?"
I admitted that I would probably think the same. "But," I held up a finger to let him know I had more to say, "if you persisted in your need to convince me it was true, and I felt you had been truthful about everything else, I would try very hard to suspend judgment." I took a deep breath.
Jay, I'm sorry, I am having a hard time with this last part. I have read it several times, but I honestly don't know what you are saying here... "if you told me that the whole structure of everything worthwhile I believed about you would collapse if I couldn't accept an even more difficult truth..."
thanks,
Debbie
Comment Written 29-May-2014
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Debbie, thank you -- particularly for the confusion in the last part. I'm afraid I might have Doctrex speaking as I do in real life, in a manner over which my wife just throws up her hands and says, "that just doesn't make sense. LOL, I shall rake it over the syntactic comb and see if I can find a clearer way of expressing it. It IS a crucial line. I need to make sure it is understandable. I don't want Klasco saying, "Wha???"
The rest of the ideas sound good. I'm posting so fast and furiously, though, that it may take me a while to try to get around to looking closely at them in order to refine my lines.
My enduring thanks, to you, though. I've already got your name down for a thumbs up for your last review. Just waiting until the fresh supply of referrals comes floating down.
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I don't want Klasco saying, "Wha???" That's exactly what I was saying!! :) sorry.
Looking forward to more. thanks for the review vote
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Don't you dare apologize! This is what I post on FS. And, so precious few even read, or if they do, they don't make comments.
Comment from Ritsal
Hmmm, interesting take on explaining the Koujake, Surprised ny the Disneyland reference 'cause that makes Doctrex an Amercan making the story even more interesting. Where's he from, what did he do for a living, what time period --contemporary with his reference to Disney or a historical reference? See, now I have even more questions.
Best wishes,
Rita
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Hmmm, interesting take on explaining the Koujake, Surprised ny the Disneyland reference 'cause that makes Doctrex an Amercan making the story even more interesting. Where's he from, what did he do for a living, what time period --contemporary with his reference to Disney or a historical reference? See, now I have even more questions.
Best wishes,
Rita
Comment Written 29-May-2014
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Keep those questions in your mind, Rita. All good questions! And, thanks for coming back for each chapter.
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It's the questions that keep me coming back for more! :D. Oh, Doctrex fell from a new amusement ride in the new Koujake Amusement Park! Axtilla is one of the costumed performers sort of like Snow White in the furturistic Disneyland. No? Well, I'll have to come back to see where your mind leads us. :D
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HAHAHAHA! You just keep coming back. But my mind probably has some more subtle (albeit less imaginative) places to take the reader.
I'll tell you what I've not told anyone. Chapter 58 and 59 (which are the final two chapters of the second Book of The Trining will be unlike anything you've ever read. Much will be explained. The witch will die! (I'm just kidding about the witch reference. Although...)
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I'm meltiiinngg...