The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "SOME ANSWERS ... MORE QUESTIONS"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
21 total reviews
Comment from DerivedBetter
I'm really impressed by your writing Jay. Only In chapter two but this has really piqued my interest especially since I've read parts of the next book. It's going to be a fun journey seeing how he gets from her to there. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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I'm really impressed by your writing Jay. Only In chapter two but this has really piqued my interest especially since I've read parts of the next book. It's going to be a fun journey seeing how he gets from her to there. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Oh... Thank YOU for your interest and initiative. I am so honored!
Comment from Aiona
Engaging dialogue, and the chapter/section ends with a hook. Abandoned? Banished? Must read on! :) Good descriptions, funny allusions to modern pop culture. His amnesia comes through in his confused thoughts.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
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Engaging dialogue, and the chapter/section ends with a hook. Abandoned? Banished? Must read on! :) Good descriptions, funny allusions to modern pop culture. His amnesia comes through in his confused thoughts.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
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You really are starting from the beginning, aren't you. I'm humbled by that. Thank you so much. I think you're gonna like it.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
Good chapter, it moves forward well, shows the struggle to understand each other, aliens yet not so alien.
Some suggestions:
--"Eggs," I offered as a kind of last ditch stand. It wasn't flesh. We waited.
>>"Eggs," I offered, as a kind of last ditch stand. It wasn't flesh.
We waited.<<
A comma and I would put the We waited in a new paragraph. Visual separation of time.
--The cave walls narrowed until they converged at the fissure The only way out.
>>The cave walls narrowed until they converged at the fissure. The only way out.<
<<
--"Really!" I snarled. "What's your problem?" Actually the blow was delivered with so little power that there was no pain. But her intent was to keep me imbalanced and in my place. I...
>>"Really!" I snarled. "What's your problem?"
But the blow was delivered with so little power that there was no pain. Her intent was to keep me imbalanced and in my place. I...<<
But the blow ... in a new paragraph.
-- and rock clusters. I did some rudimentary calculations.
>. and rock clusters. I did some rudimentary calculations. <<
Extra space.
--My each breath was shallower than the one before.
Awkward.
--What did I do?
>>What did I do?"<<
--was doing an abysmal job of lip-syncing She stopped and seemed to be ...
>>was doing an abysmal job of lip-syncing. She stopped and seemed to be ...<<
--"A mighty power," I repeated. Would you say it was a power ...
>>"A mighty power," I repeated. "Would you say it was a power ...<<
--"No--no, don't!--no " begging me...
>>"No--no, don't!--no," begging me...<<
--"Where are we, Axtilla?" I asked her "Where is this place?"
>>"Where are we, Axtilla?" I asked her. "Where is this place?"<<
--"I'm sorry, Axtilla ... did I say something? -- Obviously I said something that upset you.
>>"I'm sorry, Axtilla ... did I say something? -- Obviously I said something that upset you."<<
--"I'm alone." She announced this with a stony finality.
>>"I'm alone." She announced this with a stony finality.<<
Extra space.
--"Dead."
"I'm sorry. But, there must be someone. Why is there no one here with you?"
>>"Dead."
I starred at her.
"I'm sorry," I said. "But, there must be someone. Why is there no one here with you?"<<
reply by the author on 06-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
Good chapter, it moves forward well, shows the struggle to understand each other, aliens yet not so alien.
Some suggestions:
--"Eggs," I offered as a kind of last ditch stand. It wasn't flesh. We waited.
>>"Eggs," I offered, as a kind of last ditch stand. It wasn't flesh.
We waited.<<
A comma and I would put the We waited in a new paragraph. Visual separation of time.
--The cave walls narrowed until they converged at the fissure The only way out.
>>The cave walls narrowed until they converged at the fissure. The only way out.<
<<
--"Really!" I snarled. "What's your problem?" Actually the blow was delivered with so little power that there was no pain. But her intent was to keep me imbalanced and in my place. I...
>>"Really!" I snarled. "What's your problem?"
But the blow was delivered with so little power that there was no pain. Her intent was to keep me imbalanced and in my place. I...<<
But the blow ... in a new paragraph.
-- and rock clusters. I did some rudimentary calculations.
>. and rock clusters. I did some rudimentary calculations. <<
Extra space.
--My each breath was shallower than the one before.
Awkward.
--What did I do?
>>What did I do?"<<
--was doing an abysmal job of lip-syncing She stopped and seemed to be ...
>>was doing an abysmal job of lip-syncing. She stopped and seemed to be ...<<
--"A mighty power," I repeated. Would you say it was a power ...
>>"A mighty power," I repeated. "Would you say it was a power ...<<
--"No--no, don't!--no " begging me...
>>"No--no, don't!--no," begging me...<<
--"Where are we, Axtilla?" I asked her "Where is this place?"
>>"Where are we, Axtilla?" I asked her. "Where is this place?"<<
--"I'm sorry, Axtilla ... did I say something? -- Obviously I said something that upset you.
>>"I'm sorry, Axtilla ... did I say something? -- Obviously I said something that upset you."<<
--"I'm alone." She announced this with a stony finality.
>>"I'm alone." She announced this with a stony finality.<<
Extra space.
--"Dead."
"I'm sorry. But, there must be someone. Why is there no one here with you?"
>>"Dead."
I starred at her.
"I'm sorry," I said. "But, there must be someone. Why is there no one here with you?"<<
Comment Written 06-May-2014
reply by the author on 06-May-2014
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Once more, I'm copying this over to a file so I can mull it over later. But, I thank you SO much for all your close reading of this.
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Yer welcome, Jay. Thank you too, for all your help.
Comment from krprice
I opened. . . I felt hungry. Suggest: My stomach growled like a caged lion.
Without a word, she (marched, strode, ambled, dashed). . .
Try to avoid using felt, saw, heard, smelled.
I rolled my eyes. . . phrases, clauses, or words in a series should have a comma before conjunction.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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I opened. . . I felt hungry. Suggest: My stomach growled like a caged lion.
Without a word, she (marched, strode, ambled, dashed). . .
Try to avoid using felt, saw, heard, smelled.
I rolled my eyes. . . phrases, clauses, or words in a series should have a comma before conjunction.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much for your in depth crit. I will check this out today. I appreciate the time you took with this.
Comment from RayofLight7
Very intriguing!
Just a couple of suggestions for you. First, I'm wondering why he hasn't asked her what she knows about how he got there. She might have seen him fall from the sky in a starship. This has more of a science fiction feel than fantasy, although it could be like Anne McCaffrey's Pern, with dragons and a scientific background.
You just need a space for a new paragraph where she says, "It will give you strength."
Also, I stumbled a bit over, "she shot, like a bullet meant to curtail..." Maybe, "she spat, her words cracking like a rifle's report, a bullet across his bow to stop him dead in his tracks."
On the other hand, that's a bit cliche'... Maybe "...report, a warning shot."
Excellent work! I'm continuing to read, definitely!
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Very intriguing!
Just a couple of suggestions for you. First, I'm wondering why he hasn't asked her what she knows about how he got there. She might have seen him fall from the sky in a starship. This has more of a science fiction feel than fantasy, although it could be like Anne McCaffrey's Pern, with dragons and a scientific background.
You just need a space for a new paragraph where she says, "It will give you strength."
Also, I stumbled a bit over, "she shot, like a bullet meant to curtail..." Maybe, "she spat, her words cracking like a rifle's report, a bullet across his bow to stop him dead in his tracks."
On the other hand, that's a bit cliche'... Maybe "...report, a warning shot."
Excellent work! I'm continuing to read, definitely!
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Keep it up, Ray (?) See if some of the questions you have get answered in the next chapter. Motivationally, he had a lot on his plate with her being his captor, the stuff that went on when he tried to get out of the cave through the crevice. I'm not sure over that period that question would have been so prioritized. I'm so happy over the questions you're answering and the fact that you're still intending to carry on with it.
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Actually, Ray is my last name. My given name is Sarah. ;)
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Gotcha. Thanks, Sarah.
Comment from Ric Myworld
What a great place to leave this chapter. Now, I can't wait for the next. Smooth and steady pacing with short bursts that keeps the readers attention. Thanks for another great chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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What a great place to leave this chapter. Now, I can't wait for the next. Smooth and steady pacing with short bursts that keeps the readers attention. Thanks for another great chapter. :-)
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Thank you for being there, Ric (is that it?) I so appreciate your reading my story. Come back for the next installment. I post this evening the next chapter.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Ah, the woman has been banished. Makes me wonder why and if she is going to try to prove to her people she is worthy of returning. Maybe she thinks this guy is Pondria and if she shows that she's captured him her people will welcome her back. I like the mixed up English and the way she hears and thinks one thing and he another. Great job.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014
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Ah, the woman has been banished. Makes me wonder why and if she is going to try to prove to her people she is worthy of returning. Maybe she thinks this guy is Pondria and if she shows that she's captured him her people will welcome her back. I like the mixed up English and the way she hears and thinks one thing and he another. Great job.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014
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Ha! You are reading in reverse order! Again, your questions are poignant. Most will be answered in the next two chapters. Thanks, again, Gretchen!
Comment from JB Lynn
She and her [eliminate "held"] spear followed me effortlessly and she stood facing me.
I love how these two characters verbally "spar" with one another. And the spear and the leg incident, WAS hilarious. Certainly not an obvious way for the young fellow to prove himself to Axtilla, but when in Rome, right?
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014
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She and her [eliminate "held"] spear followed me effortlessly and she stood facing me.
I love how these two characters verbally "spar" with one another. And the spear and the leg incident, WAS hilarious. Certainly not an obvious way for the young fellow to prove himself to Axtilla, but when in Rome, right?
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014
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Couldn't get enough the first time, eh? LOL, thanks for the "held spear" comment. I'll put it in the Folder for chapter comments so I can check it out after the post drops off. I think you are right though about the above. [I just realized this is for the previous chapter. I thought you did two reviews for the same chapter.]
Comment from Ritsal
For a minute there, when asked about meat, I thought your alien was related to Saura. Hmm, how did he get there, what is the power Norma has in her hands to help him through the crevice, and what in the world did she do to get banished. Now, I hooked and will follow along as you unravel these mysteries. Your pacing is good, and I enjoyed reading without stumbling over the usual errors found in most longer works. Great job.
Best wishes,
Rita
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014
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For a minute there, when asked about meat, I thought your alien was related to Saura. Hmm, how did he get there, what is the power Norma has in her hands to help him through the crevice, and what in the world did she do to get banished. Now, I hooked and will follow along as you unravel these mysteries. Your pacing is good, and I enjoyed reading without stumbling over the usual errors found in most longer works. Great job.
Best wishes,
Rita
Comment Written 10-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014
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Oh, Rita, thank you for your kind words. Mysteries will begin to unravel, but even more will clot together. I'll have the next chapter up in a day or two. Oh, by the way, her name is Axtilla. Norma was what he threatened to name her if she refused to tell him. Thanks again.
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That's right. Axtilla..I remember that...Norma is easier to spell. LOL
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I decided to post the next chapter today, Rita, to see if it garners more activity with two up together.
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It's been like pulling teeth this past week or so, even when highly promoted. I'm experiencing the same, even with two on the front page. Good luck.
Comment from adewpearl
I raised my shoulders and dropped them in a half shrug- good use of non-verbal communication to enhance the emotion of the spoken conversation
good natural-sounding dialogue that conveys emotion/attitude well
effective character development as they interact
an intriguing situation - his captor without people, him without his identity... Brooke
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014
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I raised my shoulders and dropped them in a half shrug- good use of non-verbal communication to enhance the emotion of the spoken conversation
good natural-sounding dialogue that conveys emotion/attitude well
effective character development as they interact
an intriguing situation - his captor without people, him without his identity... Brooke
Comment Written 10-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014
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That's what it is -- Brooke! I remember you from my last spell here, several years ago, but couldn't remember your name -- only that you're a dang good poet (who thought, rightly, that I was awfully wordy in the last novel I posted here). And, to prove what was in parentheses ... Thanks so much for your comments.