Journey to Somewhere
flash fiction contest entry15 total reviews
Comment from Millibrad
This is, in my opinion, an excellent entry. It was a very enjoyable read. I do have a suggestion that is by no means a criticism or hint that anything needs fixing. Just an offering to make it even better. "That was all that was left of his humanity." Consider: It was all that remained of his humanity.
Also consider deleting "His body was gone." It is unnecessary since the next sentence tell of his cremation.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
  |
This is, in my opinion, an excellent entry. It was a very enjoyable read. I do have a suggestion that is by no means a criticism or hint that anything needs fixing. Just an offering to make it even better. "That was all that was left of his humanity." Consider: It was all that remained of his humanity.
Also consider deleting "His body was gone." It is unnecessary since the next sentence tell of his cremation.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
-
Thanks, absolutely agree with your first suggestion and will change it right now. I'll think about the second, that really was a tie-in to the blood, his life and ashes, though it may be redundant. Thanks very much.
-
You're welcome. Good luck in the contest.
Comment from RodG
This is so poignant and real. It's easy to visualize this heart-broken woman spreading "her Joey's" ashes along Highway 195. And the quiet way their relationship grew was beautifully narrated. I especially like your one-line description of Laura as being "on the losing side of youth." Finally, your last lengthy sentence was exquisitely phrased and very moving. Just an outstanding work of fiction in less than 600 words. This SHOULD win the contest! RodG
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
 |
This is so poignant and real. It's easy to visualize this heart-broken woman spreading "her Joey's" ashes along Highway 195. And the quiet way their relationship grew was beautifully narrated. I especially like your one-line description of Laura as being "on the losing side of youth." Finally, your last lengthy sentence was exquisitely phrased and very moving. Just an outstanding work of fiction in less than 600 words. This SHOULD win the contest! RodG
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
-
Your kind and gracious words are as much appreciated as the dazzle of all the starlight.
There are eighteen other submissions in this contest. A little luck always helps. Thanks again.
Comment from Cry the Vile Rebel
I really like the direction you went with this prompt. She didn't know him well enough, and he wasn't a big enough part of her life (yet) for this to be a devastation in her life. But you capture the longing and sadness of her loss of what might have been.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
|
I really like the direction you went with this prompt. She didn't know him well enough, and he wasn't a big enough part of her life (yet) for this to be a devastation in her life. But you capture the longing and sadness of her loss of what might have been.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
-
Thank you. That is exactly the feeling of loss I tried to capture--that of what could have been.
Comment from Blairetan
A poignant story of two lonely people connecting. How sad that the relationship wasn't able to grow. I feel this story was written with a sad heart.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
|
A poignant story of two lonely people connecting. How sad that the relationship wasn't able to grow. I feel this story was written with a sad heart.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
-
Your reading and review are appreciated. Anyone who has experienced loss never forgets it, and writers who are successful in touching the hearts of readers with that emotion simply connect to that which the two share.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this story about the woman who befriended the truck driver, but he didn't make it home for their date. she releases his ashes where he died, good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
|
this is very well written, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this story about the woman who befriended the truck driver, but he didn't make it home for their date. she releases his ashes where he died, good luck in the contest
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
-
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you liked the story.
Comment from Author Unknown
One misstep...'that had' left sixteen people...just a typo I'm sure. This is heartfelt and very sad too. I think there are many times the ordinary 'hero' is forgotten or lost in the wake of 'important' people, events. This reminds me of the movie 'As Good As It Gets', in that a man loves a waitress. Nice work. A.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
|
One misstep...'that had' left sixteen people...just a typo I'm sure. This is heartfelt and very sad too. I think there are many times the ordinary 'hero' is forgotten or lost in the wake of 'important' people, events. This reminds me of the movie 'As Good As It Gets', in that a man loves a waitress. Nice work. A.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
-
Good point on the wording. I've already made the correction--thanks. The love stories on screen usually involve beautiful people, the ordinary, sometimes the ugly need their stories told as well.
Comment from vkmack
What a sweet and gentle story of blossoming love between two strangers who so obviously needed each other. Sad. Truly sad. We can feel Laura's loss and her shattered dreams. You've done a great job of creating two extremely likable characters in a very limited space, and you used the prompt so well, too. I especially liked your use of language is sentences like "Nobody had noticed the waitress on the losing side of youth for a long time" and "The ashes flew high, fluttering across the highway as cars raced by, continuing their journey to somewhere." The last one there in particular is just heartbreaking. Your reader is right there with you. The previous sentence tells us all we need to know of Laura in one sentence.
It's just excellent work.
I noticed a couple of things. I hope you don't mind.
"But somehow, she was the only person in all of Swanson County, that ever heard of Joseph Morris, the trucker who travelled up and down I95 every week." Delete the second comma. It is completely unnecessary and is a comma splice.
"He seemed to feel the same way, and Laura couldn't help notice that after awhile he'd started to shave and smelled like Ivory soap." Here you meant to use "a while" as two words. Awhile is an adverb, which can never follow your preposition "after." Easy fix.
"It's not like its new, or anything. I saw it stuck in some bushes by the road and I thought of you, how it matched your eyes, and all."--Here your first comma is a comma splice; just delete it for an easy fix. You also need a comma after "by the road" to separate two independent clauses.
"I washed it real careful like,just so you know, and won't be afraid to wear it."--No need for the second comma, as it is another splice. You also need a space after the comma following "like."
Old editors and grammar teachers just live to edit anything-even menus. I'm not welcome in some of the restaurants here. ;) Please forgive me; it's compulsive.
You tell a lovely story about two lonely people, and you did it extremely well.
Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
|
What a sweet and gentle story of blossoming love between two strangers who so obviously needed each other. Sad. Truly sad. We can feel Laura's loss and her shattered dreams. You've done a great job of creating two extremely likable characters in a very limited space, and you used the prompt so well, too. I especially liked your use of language is sentences like "Nobody had noticed the waitress on the losing side of youth for a long time" and "The ashes flew high, fluttering across the highway as cars raced by, continuing their journey to somewhere." The last one there in particular is just heartbreaking. Your reader is right there with you. The previous sentence tells us all we need to know of Laura in one sentence.
It's just excellent work.
I noticed a couple of things. I hope you don't mind.
"But somehow, she was the only person in all of Swanson County, that ever heard of Joseph Morris, the trucker who travelled up and down I95 every week." Delete the second comma. It is completely unnecessary and is a comma splice.
"He seemed to feel the same way, and Laura couldn't help notice that after awhile he'd started to shave and smelled like Ivory soap." Here you meant to use "a while" as two words. Awhile is an adverb, which can never follow your preposition "after." Easy fix.
"It's not like its new, or anything. I saw it stuck in some bushes by the road and I thought of you, how it matched your eyes, and all."--Here your first comma is a comma splice; just delete it for an easy fix. You also need a comma after "by the road" to separate two independent clauses.
"I washed it real careful like,just so you know, and won't be afraid to wear it."--No need for the second comma, as it is another splice. You also need a space after the comma following "like."
Old editors and grammar teachers just live to edit anything-even menus. I'm not welcome in some of the restaurants here. ;) Please forgive me; it's compulsive.
You tell a lovely story about two lonely people, and you did it extremely well.
Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
-
Despite being reasonably well educated--even taking the on-site grammar course given by Brooke, I continue to suffer the comma curse.
I appreciate an editor very, very much. Never hesitate to give me a rattle. It is greatly appreciated. Hopefully, I repaired them all (jumping back and forth between screen...) Thank you.
-
You are so welcome, Anonymous. It's a great story, and the changes were minimal. Splices happen. lol
I taught grammar (college students who were not happy to be there) for years, so I had to stay on my game. I was also an editor for longer than I care to remember. It does, indeed, become a compulsion.
I'll be happy to help out whenever I can as it might be necessary. Please feel free to do the same! No one's perfect. :(
Good luck in the contest!
Comment from gramalot8
Mystery Author, I really like this storyline. It is really easy to see and feel the love and compassion that Laura felt for this man, Joey, that she barely knew. I loved the ending of the scarf, along with the ashes, just blowing away in the wind. Great job and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
|
Mystery Author, I really like this storyline. It is really easy to see and feel the love and compassion that Laura felt for this man, Joey, that she barely knew. I loved the ending of the scarf, along with the ashes, just blowing away in the wind. Great job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
-
Thanks so much for your kind words.
Comment from Bobby Jo
This is a great story. It may be me, but I think you need to explain how she got the ashes, and you need to give a time frame from when the wreak happened and how there were still blood on the highway, if she already had the ashes. Other than that, you kept me reading until the end. Good job, good detail.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
|
This is a great story. It may be me, but I think you need to explain how she got the ashes, and you need to give a time frame from when the wreak happened and how there were still blood on the highway, if she already had the ashes. Other than that, you kept me reading until the end. Good job, good detail.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
-
the problem with flash fiction is the budget of words allowed and I have only six to spare. Likely if I take it outside of FS, I'll work that it. Good points. Thanks.
-
Very true, you have a good story plot.
-
Very true, you have a good story plot.
Comment from Kingsland
This story has very good imagery in it, as I could picture the events as you wrote them happening. I found this short story to be well written. I was entertained while reading it and it was my pleasure to write this review for it... John
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
|
This story has very good imagery in it, as I could picture the events as you wrote them happening. I found this short story to be well written. I was entertained while reading it and it was my pleasure to write this review for it... John
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
-
What a lovely compliment--on all fronts. Thank you.