The Heart of Poetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Bongo boy"'Tis not the Bard, but pretty good poetry anyway
27 total reviews
Comment from 9999pool
Child trafficking had become a big problem lately.
They are abused and make to earn a living for the captors. Some are without arms or even legs and turned into beggars by an evil design.
This illegal activity had cause many sorrows and pains to those who have lost their children. Poignant.
Great story and well penned.
Cheerio, hugs, bro Ritchie. :))
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2013
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Child trafficking had become a big problem lately.
They are abused and make to earn a living for the captors. Some are without arms or even legs and turned into beggars by an evil design.
This illegal activity had cause many sorrows and pains to those who have lost their children. Poignant.
Great story and well penned.
Cheerio, hugs, bro Ritchie. :))
Comment Written 05-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2013
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Ritchie, thanks for the great review of this one. Yes it is a terrible problem. I am glad you felt it was a worthy story to be told.
Love, Carolyn
Comment from kiwisteveh
Your blank verse tells a poignant story, although I have to say the happy ending is a little suspect - wouldn't traffickers move the child far away from any possible accidental discovery?
Your verse is mostly strong, although I note a few lines where the iambic breaks down: lines 7, 11, 18, 21 & 24
Some variation may be acceptable but this seems a bit too much...
Good luck in the contest - the powerful and moving story-line may make this a contender.
Steve
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2013
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Your blank verse tells a poignant story, although I have to say the happy ending is a little suspect - wouldn't traffickers move the child far away from any possible accidental discovery?
Your verse is mostly strong, although I note a few lines where the iambic breaks down: lines 7, 11, 18, 21 & 24
Some variation may be acceptable but this seems a bit too much...
Good luck in the contest - the powerful and moving story-line may make this a contender.
Steve
Comment Written 01-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2013
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Thanks Steve for the review. Yes when you are writing poetry it sometimes borderlines fantasy. ie; the reunion of the parent/child. I appreaciate the edits and good wishes. Carolyn
Comment from handmadecards
Evocative poem, relating the stark sadness of human trafficking. Very sad reality told with deep emotion. Maybe slightly bigger font? Thank you for sharing your beautiful work.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2013
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Evocative poem, relating the stark sadness of human trafficking. Very sad reality told with deep emotion. Maybe slightly bigger font? Thank you for sharing your beautiful work.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2013
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Thank you so very much for the wonderful review and insightful comments. :-) Carolyn
Comment from Smoothiecool
This chilling poem sends the message of child trafficking through out the world, a sad state of affairs. In this poem your child was one of the lucky ones to be reunited with his mother. If you take out the 2 "and" in line thirteen it will bring it back to 10 syllables we need to be grateful for our children they can be snatched away from us in an instance
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2013
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This chilling poem sends the message of child trafficking through out the world, a sad state of affairs. In this poem your child was one of the lucky ones to be reunited with his mother. If you take out the 2 "and" in line thirteen it will bring it back to 10 syllables we need to be grateful for our children they can be snatched away from us in an instance
Comment Written 01-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2013
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I appreciate your read and comments and that you liked the poem. I will ck out line 13, thanks, Carolyn
Comment from lakeport
Bongo boy, indeed that's very sad and it's a crinme that many children have to live like that, that's a very touching story poem. Thanks for sharing it. God bless you. Hugs!Lakeport.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Bongo boy, indeed that's very sad and it's a crinme that many children have to live like that, that's a very touching story poem. Thanks for sharing it. God bless you. Hugs!Lakeport.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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You are welcome, thanks for reading, hugs back to you, Carolyn
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your welcome.Hugs!Lakeport,
Comment from MarjorieAnne
These stanzas tell an emotion-packed, true-to-life story with vivid setting, character, conflict and resolution. Starting out in present tense would be better than switching after verse one. "Toddlers" needs an apostrophe. There is a line in each of the verses two through six that does not begin in iambic meter and thus throws off the rhythm.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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These stanzas tell an emotion-packed, true-to-life story with vivid setting, character, conflict and resolution. Starting out in present tense would be better than switching after verse one. "Toddlers" needs an apostrophe. There is a line in each of the verses two through six that does not begin in iambic meter and thus throws off the rhythm.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Thank you MarjorieAnne for reading and commenting on Bongo Boy, I appreciate your suggestions. Toddler's already contains an apostrophy, added today. I will look at v. 2 and 6. :-) Carolyn
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You're welcome
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BTW if it would be convenient, would you check the first verse and see if the tense is more appropriate? I think I labored over the ten syllables to the extent of 'fatigue'. But I will continue to study the other verses.
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Yes, that's good. Only one more: change lay to lies?
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Done, now do we both get a better rating LOL I appreciate you MarjorieAnne. :-) Carolyn
Comment from Cookie333
Oh such a sad truth you have shared with this reader. Many will hold their children tigher because of your words tonight
Thank you and good luck
Karen
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Oh such a sad truth you have shared with this reader. Many will hold their children tigher because of your words tonight
Thank you and good luck
Karen
Comment Written 25-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Thanks for the great review and good luck wishes. Carolyn
Comment from Nosha17
Excellent, emotive poem with a powerful message. If more of us cared about the people around us, the world would be a better place. You have made good use of rhyming techniques, imagery and language. Commendable.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Excellent, emotive poem with a powerful message. If more of us cared about the people around us, the world would be a better place. You have made good use of rhyming techniques, imagery and language. Commendable.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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I appreciate your insightful comments, thank you so much. :-) Carolyn
Comment from ann marie mazz
hello notes
thank goodness I still had a six star left
this entry truly is one
I will not touch your entry
please allow me to let it stand
there is nothing I could add or change
this is a reality that should not be
your words are haunting and vivid
equally is the image displayed and image in the mind
presentation and format are well executed
thank you for sharing your talent
bless these children
ann marie
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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hello notes
thank goodness I still had a six star left
this entry truly is one
I will not touch your entry
please allow me to let it stand
there is nothing I could add or change
this is a reality that should not be
your words are haunting and vivid
equally is the image displayed and image in the mind
presentation and format are well executed
thank you for sharing your talent
bless these children
ann marie
Comment Written 25-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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What an absolutely wonderful way to review Bongo Boy. Thank you for your 'bland verse' comments and the glorious six star rating. Have a great day ann marie, Carolyn
Comment from BLACKDYKE
There is all truth in this appealing piece
of work Carolyn, and you write with such
compassion too. A deadable story to illustrate
this modern milady of child slavery and of
the trafficking. A great picture to accompany.
I like it! Eric
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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There is all truth in this appealing piece
of work Carolyn, and you write with such
compassion too. A deadable story to illustrate
this modern milady of child slavery and of
the trafficking. A great picture to accompany.
I like it! Eric
Comment Written 25-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Thanks Eric, I appreciate your comments on Bongo Boy. This is such a problem throughout the world.
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it seems to be getting worse. My pleasure.