Sarah
Share A Story In A Poem Contest Submission60 total reviews
Comment from Dan-C
S very powerful statement is made by this poem. It was hard for me to read. There is nothing lower then a man who hurts a child this way.
I did like the rhythm of the poem
Thank you for sharing
Dan
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S very powerful statement is made by this poem. It was hard for me to read. There is nothing lower then a man who hurts a child this way.
I did like the rhythm of the poem
Thank you for sharing
Dan
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
Comment from simonbagh
way to eternity is the road you walk on
look into yourself to see thy eternal sun
you are thrown on an ever turning circle
neither beginning nor end it is a miracle
simon,
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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way to eternity is the road you walk on
look into yourself to see thy eternal sun
you are thrown on an ever turning circle
neither beginning nor end it is a miracle
simon,
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Beautiful words simon...thank you...blessings.
Comment from cce29
Great photo selection for the poem. You did a great job of telling g a story in a poem. Your poem has good rhyme, and it flows very well. It is separated nicely in each stanza. I can't believe this never happened to any one you know. It sounds as if you lived it, or watched some one live it. I gave you 6 stars because of how real it sounds. Great job. can't wait to read more of your work.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Great photo selection for the poem. You did a great job of telling g a story in a poem. Your poem has good rhyme, and it flows very well. It is separated nicely in each stanza. I can't believe this never happened to any one you know. It sounds as if you lived it, or watched some one live it. I gave you 6 stars because of how real it sounds. Great job. can't wait to read more of your work.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much for the six stars cce29, I truly appreciate them. I appreciate your words as well...blessings.
Comment from robina1978
This is extraordinary good, was a surprise I happened to find it. Such an emotional and catching story you wrote here. And it fulfills all the requirements of rhyme and flows well too. Wished I still had a six for you, but sorry I don't .Best wishes for the contest, it might well be a strong contender.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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This is extraordinary good, was a surprise I happened to find it. Such an emotional and catching story you wrote here. And it fulfills all the requirements of rhyme and flows well too. Wished I still had a six for you, but sorry I don't .Best wishes for the contest, it might well be a strong contender.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you robina1978, for reading and reviewing my work...I look forward to reading more of yours...blessings.
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My pleasure. Blessings, Ine
Comment from rtobaygo
BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN AND I ESPECIALLY LIKED THE ENDING, FOR THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN. DIFFICULT TO WRITE, EVEN MORE DIFFICULT TO RHYME,WITH A DISTINCT MESSAGE OF THIS POOR YOUNG LADY'S EXPERIENCES. WELL DONE!!!
SHOULD BE SIX STARS, BUT UNFORTUNATELY YOU HAVE USED YOUR MONTHLY QUOTA OF SIX-STAR RATINGS AND WILL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR FIVE STARS.
TAKE CARE,
RAY
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN AND I ESPECIALLY LIKED THE ENDING, FOR THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN. DIFFICULT TO WRITE, EVEN MORE DIFFICULT TO RHYME,WITH A DISTINCT MESSAGE OF THIS POOR YOUNG LADY'S EXPERIENCES. WELL DONE!!!
SHOULD BE SIX STARS, BUT UNFORTUNATELY YOU HAVE USED YOUR MONTHLY QUOTA OF SIX-STAR RATINGS AND WILL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR FIVE STARS.
TAKE CARE,
RAY
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much Ray, for your words...I appreciate them...blessings.
Comment from LorrainePurviance
wonderful storytelling, great build toward the ending, the mood and sense of urgency well communicated, the choice of words and type of verse goes well with the action of the story...terrific job
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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wonderful storytelling, great build toward the ending, the mood and sense of urgency well communicated, the choice of words and type of verse goes well with the action of the story...terrific job
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much LorrainePurviance, for the six stars...I truly appreciate them and your words...blessings.
Comment from Merajul
I liked the poetry with a moving story told through it.It has highlighted the gruesome reality of life . I have rated the poem six for the subject!
Overall , the poetry achieves what it intends to achieve in other departments as well!
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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I liked the poetry with a moving story told through it.It has highlighted the gruesome reality of life . I have rated the poem six for the subject!
Overall , the poetry achieves what it intends to achieve in other departments as well!
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much for the six stars Merajul...I truly appreciate them and I appreciate your comments...blessings.
Comment from DALLAS01
You truly adopted the persona for this poem. It was a powerful write from the beginning to the end. I liked the art work and the choice to do it in grey and white instead of a lot of color, it added to the stark reality and sadness.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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You truly adopted the persona for this poem. It was a powerful write from the beginning to the end. I liked the art work and the choice to do it in grey and white instead of a lot of color, it added to the stark reality and sadness.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much DALLAS01, for reading and reviewing...I appreciate your words...blessings.
Comment from Ashley Scott
Idamarty, this is chilling and believable story you've expressed through poem. It's unfortunate that this story is too close to the truth of what I'm sure many have gone through at the hands of sexual abuse. You've got some great images at work in this and I could easily picture this desperate girl, striving down that lonely highway, and trying to get free. Also, I thank you for that wonderful ending that bring this reader out of the dark in your closing couplet with a ray of hope for both the abused and her daughter, which made me smile. I'm glad this was a fictional piece.
In general, the meter could use some tightening up, and I know it's difficult to do with these longer lines. Also, I've made some suggestions/observations below that I hope will help.
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"A (sixteen-year-old) with haunted eyes, wearing worn, tattered shoes,"
I believe here, and once more near the end, are the only instances in your poem where it needs the hyphens in regards to the ages.
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"And her favorite denim jacket, in different shades of blues,"
Unless I'm reading too much into it, I like the double meaning of 'blues' used here.
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"Searching for a place to call home, a place to stay."
The end rhyme in this line seems forced to me since 'a place to stay' sounds redundant after using 'home'. Perhaps you could get more out of this line with another rhyme? 'Hideaway' comes to mind when I consider your poem. Perhaps:
"Searching for a place to call home, or a desperate hideaway"?
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"The highway is a lonely road, there are no (passersby),
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"When the daddy who tucked her in at night, became a man."
'became a man' sounds odd to me here, like what teenagers say to one another when having sex for the first time. How about, 'became another man'?
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"Fear grips and her heart races as panic begins to stir."
'Fear grips' sounds generic to me. Maybe 'frantic' would serve this better and you could also get an inline rhyme out of it? Example:
"Her frantic heart is racing as the panic begins to stir."
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"She desperately searches for a place to go whispering, ``Oh God, please!``"
You can get away with a lot of variation in meter at the beginning to middle of lines if you keep the end consistent. In this case, 'Oh God, please!' is a little abrupt. 'Oh, God, help me please!' with an extra comma might solve this. Also, I believe a comma after 'go' is needed. And 'to go' might sound better with 'to hide'? Example:
"She desperately searches for a place to hide, whispering, ``Oh, God, help me please!``"
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"A (seventeen-year-old) sits on a bed, feeling very tense."
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"But her scars won`t be opened again `cause when he died he took the knife."
That's a powerful metaphor. I like it :)
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All in all, this was an enjoyable read as far as the content is concerned that just needs some tweaking. These are just my observations and suggestions. Should you revise this at all please let me know and I'll gladly review this again and adjust my rating accordingly. Again, I hope this helps.
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Idamarty, this is chilling and believable story you've expressed through poem. It's unfortunate that this story is too close to the truth of what I'm sure many have gone through at the hands of sexual abuse. You've got some great images at work in this and I could easily picture this desperate girl, striving down that lonely highway, and trying to get free. Also, I thank you for that wonderful ending that bring this reader out of the dark in your closing couplet with a ray of hope for both the abused and her daughter, which made me smile. I'm glad this was a fictional piece.
In general, the meter could use some tightening up, and I know it's difficult to do with these longer lines. Also, I've made some suggestions/observations below that I hope will help.
~~~
"A (sixteen-year-old) with haunted eyes, wearing worn, tattered shoes,"
I believe here, and once more near the end, are the only instances in your poem where it needs the hyphens in regards to the ages.
~~~
"And her favorite denim jacket, in different shades of blues,"
Unless I'm reading too much into it, I like the double meaning of 'blues' used here.
~~~
"Searching for a place to call home, a place to stay."
The end rhyme in this line seems forced to me since 'a place to stay' sounds redundant after using 'home'. Perhaps you could get more out of this line with another rhyme? 'Hideaway' comes to mind when I consider your poem. Perhaps:
"Searching for a place to call home, or a desperate hideaway"?
~~~
"The highway is a lonely road, there are no (passersby),
~~~
"When the daddy who tucked her in at night, became a man."
'became a man' sounds odd to me here, like what teenagers say to one another when having sex for the first time. How about, 'became another man'?
~~~
"Fear grips and her heart races as panic begins to stir."
'Fear grips' sounds generic to me. Maybe 'frantic' would serve this better and you could also get an inline rhyme out of it? Example:
"Her frantic heart is racing as the panic begins to stir."
~~~
"She desperately searches for a place to go whispering, ``Oh God, please!``"
You can get away with a lot of variation in meter at the beginning to middle of lines if you keep the end consistent. In this case, 'Oh God, please!' is a little abrupt. 'Oh, God, help me please!' with an extra comma might solve this. Also, I believe a comma after 'go' is needed. And 'to go' might sound better with 'to hide'? Example:
"She desperately searches for a place to hide, whispering, ``Oh, God, help me please!``"
~~~
"A (seventeen-year-old) sits on a bed, feeling very tense."
~~~
"But her scars won`t be opened again `cause when he died he took the knife."
That's a powerful metaphor. I like it :)
~~~
All in all, this was an enjoyable read as far as the content is concerned that just needs some tweaking. These are just my observations and suggestions. Should you revise this at all please let me know and I'll gladly review this again and adjust my rating accordingly. Again, I hope this helps.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012
Comment from ELumpkins
Excellent work. The poem rhymes well and is easy to read and understand. I can't make any recommendations for this work;it appears the author did his home work well. Good luck
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Excellent work. The poem rhymes well and is easy to read and understand. I can't make any recommendations for this work;it appears the author did his home work well. Good luck
Comment Written 28-Feb-2012