Paradise Is Not Just A Place
A writer is pleasantly suprised at a conference.17 total reviews
Comment from ZigzagMLT
A well written story! I just wanted to point out a couple of things, if I may.
neat, with olives on the side.
I'm a big fan of erotica
scene I had created for her
Thanks for a chance to read such a great plot line. Despite the dire warnings, your work is far from the most erotic I have read on this site. That's meant as a compliment.
Zigzagmlt
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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A well written story! I just wanted to point out a couple of things, if I may.
neat, with olives on the side.
I'm a big fan of erotica
scene I had created for her
Thanks for a chance to read such a great plot line. Despite the dire warnings, your work is far from the most erotic I have read on this site. That's meant as a compliment.
Zigzagmlt
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Thanks for the review. Did you mean to say that my wrok was far from the most erotic or far from the raunchiest posts on this contest? I believe eroticism does not have to be raunchy. Four letter words don't make a story hot, the story line does. Don't you agree? - Thesis
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The story line. Four letter words do not turn me on. Z
Comment from Vladilynn
Hmmmmm..yummy appetizer!!! Loll
I want more!!! Lets proceed to the dinner part and breakfast part....ohh you can include also the lunch if you want!!! Heee.heeeeee!!
A very well written entry!!
Good luck for you!!!!
Love much
Lynn:0)
Happy New Year!!!
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Hmmmmm..yummy appetizer!!! Loll
I want more!!! Lets proceed to the dinner part and breakfast part....ohh you can include also the lunch if you want!!! Heee.heeeeee!!
A very well written entry!!
Good luck for you!!!!
Love much
Lynn:0)
Happy New Year!!!
Comment Written 31-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Hi, Lynn. Thanks for your comments. I agree with you, this story can go on for a long time. I have to ask Lola if I can continue to use her character. Gia is soo hot. - Thesis
Comment from Mastery
Hi, John...I had no idea you could write "fantasy" LOL..Good one, though. A few sugestions for this hot piece of yours if you don't mind:
I would put her written note in quote marks and move it down separate from mthe opening line, were it me:
"Checking in at the Grand Wailea Resort this afternoon for the South Pacific Writer's Conference, the clerk told me I had a message waiting for me. The note read: Hello, John. I hope you had a pleasant trip from the mainland. We have a mutual friend who couldn't attend the conference. She told me to look you up when I arrived. She thought you and I would get along well and perhaps enjoy each other's company. Sometimes these conferences can be quite boring and I understand from her, you have a very vivid imagination. I'm at extension 12286. Please call me when you arrive, I can't wait to meet you. - Mahalo! Gia
"I managed to pull off her tank top, revealing her small, very shapely boobs" (at this juncture, "breasts" sounds much more sexy than blatant guys tune of "boobs"
What a complete visual turn-on. (As I mentioned once before, readers don't need to be told everything...they are smart. Just make this "What a sight."
Good job, John...Happy New Year...Bob
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Hi, John...I had no idea you could write "fantasy" LOL..Good one, though. A few sugestions for this hot piece of yours if you don't mind:
I would put her written note in quote marks and move it down separate from mthe opening line, were it me:
"Checking in at the Grand Wailea Resort this afternoon for the South Pacific Writer's Conference, the clerk told me I had a message waiting for me. The note read: Hello, John. I hope you had a pleasant trip from the mainland. We have a mutual friend who couldn't attend the conference. She told me to look you up when I arrived. She thought you and I would get along well and perhaps enjoy each other's company. Sometimes these conferences can be quite boring and I understand from her, you have a very vivid imagination. I'm at extension 12286. Please call me when you arrive, I can't wait to meet you. - Mahalo! Gia
"I managed to pull off her tank top, revealing her small, very shapely boobs" (at this juncture, "breasts" sounds much more sexy than blatant guys tune of "boobs"
What a complete visual turn-on. (As I mentioned once before, readers don't need to be told everything...they are smart. Just make this "What a sight."
Good job, John...Happy New Year...Bob
Comment Written 31-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Hi, Bob. Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I guess I just got brain dead with Gia. She is so hot! Thanks - John
Comment from wierdgrace
You do have such talent, and such a awesome story for this contest, and a great ectasy one at that. well done, good luck in the contest if its still going. I love the ending. thank you so much for sharing. Happy New Year my friend.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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You do have such talent, and such a awesome story for this contest, and a great ectasy one at that. well done, good luck in the contest if its still going. I love the ending. thank you so much for sharing. Happy New Year my friend.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Hi Grace. Thanks for your kind comments. Glad you loved the ending. - Thesis
Comment from ms. cardshark
"I understand from her" I would leave out the "from her."
"Big fan OF erotica" I don't think you meant "or."
"At a table," not "in"
miniskirt, is one word
"looked at me with those bright..." drop 'those', he hasn't met her yet
Clever plot, using an FS connection to link these two. Nicely done, and I like that you've described a very sensuous scene without resorting to tired, four-letter words. Well done, needs some editing.
MM
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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"I understand from her" I would leave out the "from her."
"Big fan OF erotica" I don't think you meant "or."
"At a table," not "in"
miniskirt, is one word
"looked at me with those bright..." drop 'those', he hasn't met her yet
Clever plot, using an FS connection to link these two. Nicely done, and I like that you've described a very sensuous scene without resorting to tired, four-letter words. Well done, needs some editing.
MM
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Thanks ms. cardshark. Glad you enjoyed the story. - Thesis
Comment from missy98writer
Thesis,
Your story "Paradise Is Not Just A Place" for the purple prose contest I sponsored is excellent and well written. It was erotic without going in great graphic detail. The descriptive scheme and dialogue are well executed. Gia and John are two great characters. If only we could find blind dates via friends like John did. I like this paragraph:
'I heard high heels clicking on the tile floor and glanced toward the entrance. There stood a beautiful brunette with long hair past her shoulders, a wonderful tan, white mini skirt, orange tank top and orange spike heels. Damn, she looked delicious.'
What's it with high heels and men? I like the line "She was very confident, knew she was hot and played me like a violin."
I bet the had a wonderful ten days for "research." Great purple prose. Melissa.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Thesis,
Your story "Paradise Is Not Just A Place" for the purple prose contest I sponsored is excellent and well written. It was erotic without going in great graphic detail. The descriptive scheme and dialogue are well executed. Gia and John are two great characters. If only we could find blind dates via friends like John did. I like this paragraph:
'I heard high heels clicking on the tile floor and glanced toward the entrance. There stood a beautiful brunette with long hair past her shoulders, a wonderful tan, white mini skirt, orange tank top and orange spike heels. Damn, she looked delicious.'
What's it with high heels and men? I like the line "She was very confident, knew she was hot and played me like a violin."
I bet the had a wonderful ten days for "research." Great purple prose. Melissa.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Hi, Melissa. High heels make men stupid. Women look so hot when they wear them that we lose control. A well put together woman cannot be beat. Knowing she takes the time to create the look in itself is a turn on. Probably too much information, but you asked. - Thesis
Comment from Begin Again
Thesis
Naughty beautiful Lola let Gia latch onto you...My friend, enjoy yourself, but I am positive the "volumes of information" she collects will be found in one of sweet Lola's stories before you can flick an eye...
Wonderfully written. I totally enjoyed it! Happy New Year to you, my friend. I hope you caught the toast I wrote for all my friends....
Being with Gia on New Years, you won't have to worry about fireworks..she creates her own!!!
Smiling at your "devil may care" self,
Carol
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Thesis
Naughty beautiful Lola let Gia latch onto you...My friend, enjoy yourself, but I am positive the "volumes of information" she collects will be found in one of sweet Lola's stories before you can flick an eye...
Wonderfully written. I totally enjoyed it! Happy New Year to you, my friend. I hope you caught the toast I wrote for all my friends....
Being with Gia on New Years, you won't have to worry about fireworks..she creates her own!!!
Smiling at your "devil may care" self,
Carol
Comment Written 31-Dec-2009
Comment from Freeflyer
A great little piece of writing , worthy of a read. The visuals are very strong. I enjoyed the read but am confused by one thing;
This is how the story goes:
John was struck by the sensual tone of Gia's voice when she answered the phone. Just the way she said Hello, made him pause.
( John spoke: ) "Um, hello. This is John; you left a note for me to call you when I arrived. I'm sorry, but I don't know which one of our mutual friends asked you to look me up."
( Gia spoke: ) "Thank you so much for calling. We've never met, but we do have a very dear mutual friend. You and she have never met either, although you review each other's work on one of those on-line writers communities. She told me that you're a very sweet middle-aged guy who writes exciting erotic stories. I'm a big fan or erotica and mature men, so I thought it would be fun to actually meet a writer who writes in that genre."
( John spoke: ) "Our friend is very kind in her remarks. What is her name?"
( Gia spoke: ) "She asked that I not reveal that right away, in case we weren't compatible. Is that a problem?"
( Now John spoke: ) "Not at all. I enjoy a good mystery."
( Because of the space between the last exchange and this one, the reader assumes this to be Gia's turn to speak but it has to be John because of the next exchange, unless John wears a bikini: ) "Well, I'm down at the Botero Gallery Bar in a table with a beach view. Perhaps you could come down for a cocktail and we can properly introduce ourselves."
(This has to be Gia speaking: ) "I'd like that. I'll be down in about a half-hour. I just have to get out of this bikini and take a quick shower." ( But, without direction, reads as John's turn )
(Perhaps you should join these two exchanges so we don't think John wears a bikini.)
"Not at all. I enjoy a good mystery." John said. "Well, I'm down at the Botero Gallery Bar in a table with a beach view. Perhaps you could come down for a cocktail and we can properly introduce ourselves," he added.
( Then Gia is definitely wearing that bikini.)
I hope I am not confusing you but when there is just dialogue between two people then one assumes the opposite person is speaking as they take turns and there is a patterned gap after each exchange.
Cheers
Maz.
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A great little piece of writing , worthy of a read. The visuals are very strong. I enjoyed the read but am confused by one thing;
This is how the story goes:
John was struck by the sensual tone of Gia's voice when she answered the phone. Just the way she said Hello, made him pause.
( John spoke: ) "Um, hello. This is John; you left a note for me to call you when I arrived. I'm sorry, but I don't know which one of our mutual friends asked you to look me up."
( Gia spoke: ) "Thank you so much for calling. We've never met, but we do have a very dear mutual friend. You and she have never met either, although you review each other's work on one of those on-line writers communities. She told me that you're a very sweet middle-aged guy who writes exciting erotic stories. I'm a big fan or erotica and mature men, so I thought it would be fun to actually meet a writer who writes in that genre."
( John spoke: ) "Our friend is very kind in her remarks. What is her name?"
( Gia spoke: ) "She asked that I not reveal that right away, in case we weren't compatible. Is that a problem?"
( Now John spoke: ) "Not at all. I enjoy a good mystery."
( Because of the space between the last exchange and this one, the reader assumes this to be Gia's turn to speak but it has to be John because of the next exchange, unless John wears a bikini: ) "Well, I'm down at the Botero Gallery Bar in a table with a beach view. Perhaps you could come down for a cocktail and we can properly introduce ourselves."
(This has to be Gia speaking: ) "I'd like that. I'll be down in about a half-hour. I just have to get out of this bikini and take a quick shower." ( But, without direction, reads as John's turn )
(Perhaps you should join these two exchanges so we don't think John wears a bikini.)
"Not at all. I enjoy a good mystery." John said. "Well, I'm down at the Botero Gallery Bar in a table with a beach view. Perhaps you could come down for a cocktail and we can properly introduce ourselves," he added.
( Then Gia is definitely wearing that bikini.)
I hope I am not confusing you but when there is just dialogue between two people then one assumes the opposite person is speaking as they take turns and there is a patterned gap after each exchange.
Cheers
Maz.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2009
Comment from Rama Rao
Hey,that was unfair serving only the hors d ' oeuvre and not the main course. You left us hungry. Are you writing a sequel to this giving the scenes of the next ten days?
If that was not paradise what else could be? What else could it be?
I enjoyed reading it.
Hope you got some meaningful outputs also at the conference as side dishes.
Now you made me jealous. Why didn't I have a common friend like u did?
Have a great New Year with Gia.
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Hey,that was unfair serving only the hors d ' oeuvre and not the main course. You left us hungry. Are you writing a sequel to this giving the scenes of the next ten days?
If that was not paradise what else could be? What else could it be?
I enjoyed reading it.
Hope you got some meaningful outputs also at the conference as side dishes.
Now you made me jealous. Why didn't I have a common friend like u did?
Have a great New Year with Gia.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
Comment from adewpearl
Nobody ever sets me up on this kind of blind date! I need new friends. LOL This is quite an interesting look into new ways to meet people! A fun story to read, and I like that the erotic part is not tacky - I've read tacky a couple of times today, and that was a couple too many. Brooke :-)
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Nobody ever sets me up on this kind of blind date! I need new friends. LOL This is quite an interesting look into new ways to meet people! A fun story to read, and I like that the erotic part is not tacky - I've read tacky a couple of times today, and that was a couple too many. Brooke :-)
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009