The Last Time I Saw Charlie
My step-dad's name was Charlie and he was an awesome dude.4 total reviews
Comment from Kit Nongkhlaw
Thanks for sharing this poignant non-fiction story. I like the line you said that you were in the church and had to leave to attend to Charlie. Thanks for sharing and wish you the very best in the contest, Kit
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Thanks for sharing this poignant non-fiction story. I like the line you said that you were in the church and had to leave to attend to Charlie. Thanks for sharing and wish you the very best in the contest, Kit
Comment Written 27-Feb-2022
Comment from Rena Smith
This is a good story bug it was sad. I love true to life stories. I understand the sister wanting to give him some water. The poet did a good job writing this and again I love this story because it was genuine.
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This is a good story bug it was sad. I love true to life stories. I understand the sister wanting to give him some water. The poet did a good job writing this and again I love this story because it was genuine.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2022
Comment from Carolyn Dooley
My, this touched my heart. It was so sad. Water. That is what my dying husband wanted. I could only wet his lips with those swabs. God, this is terrible. This hit me like a ton of bricks.
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My, this touched my heart. It was so sad. Water. That is what my dying husband wanted. I could only wet his lips with those swabs. God, this is terrible. This hit me like a ton of bricks.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2022
Comment from Jay Squires
His head did not touch the floor, because the fall broke his kneck causing him to lose the use of his legs. [If you will allow for a little observation, I read this sentence several times and it needs to be re-ordered (in my opinion). Here's why: The two things following "because" should answer the question: "Why didn't his head touch the floor." Only the first reason "the fall broke his neck" answers that question. In other words, his inability to use his legs have nothing to do with his head not touching the floor. Personally, I would omit "His head did not touch the floor" completely. It confuses matters. Instead, lead with "The fall broke his neck (which you misspelled). Also, I would leave out "His finger-tips were tingling, too." That is not something your sister or you could see, though it could very well be symptomatic of a broken neck.]
We arrived at the hospital to see him laying on the bed with blood shot eyes. ["...to see him LYING on the bed. Consider making that sentence complete. Then, add the new sentence: "His eyes were bloodshot." The reason for that is because the way the sentence is now written, you could be describing the bed on which he was lying as having bloodshot eyes (which is ridiculous and comical, but the scene is serious. You don't want comedy here.]
A splentered neck causing him a sharp pain. ["A SPLINTERED neck ... etc." Make sure your spell-check is turned on. This seems to be a concern.]]
"But, I'm so thirsty, Brenda. Please give me some water." [Oh, my goodness! That just tears at my heart.]
"Charlie, we do love you. YOU are my only father. [Try to avoid all caps. Editors look at that as a rookie mistake. Instead, those important key words should be italicized.]
Your last paragraph is so very touching and I know it was painful for you to write. That paragraph is indicative of your writing talent. You do have so much going for you!
I hope you take my suggestions as my sincere desire to help. If they aren't helpful to you, then I certainly don't want them to be hurtful. I honestly feel you have a good chance of standing at the podium with the first prize award!
Good luck.
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His head did not touch the floor, because the fall broke his kneck causing him to lose the use of his legs. [If you will allow for a little observation, I read this sentence several times and it needs to be re-ordered (in my opinion). Here's why: The two things following "because" should answer the question: "Why didn't his head touch the floor." Only the first reason "the fall broke his neck" answers that question. In other words, his inability to use his legs have nothing to do with his head not touching the floor. Personally, I would omit "His head did not touch the floor" completely. It confuses matters. Instead, lead with "The fall broke his neck (which you misspelled). Also, I would leave out "His finger-tips were tingling, too." That is not something your sister or you could see, though it could very well be symptomatic of a broken neck.]
We arrived at the hospital to see him laying on the bed with blood shot eyes. ["...to see him LYING on the bed. Consider making that sentence complete. Then, add the new sentence: "His eyes were bloodshot." The reason for that is because the way the sentence is now written, you could be describing the bed on which he was lying as having bloodshot eyes (which is ridiculous and comical, but the scene is serious. You don't want comedy here.]
A splentered neck causing him a sharp pain. ["A SPLINTERED neck ... etc." Make sure your spell-check is turned on. This seems to be a concern.]]
"But, I'm so thirsty, Brenda. Please give me some water." [Oh, my goodness! That just tears at my heart.]
"Charlie, we do love you. YOU are my only father. [Try to avoid all caps. Editors look at that as a rookie mistake. Instead, those important key words should be italicized.]
Your last paragraph is so very touching and I know it was painful for you to write. That paragraph is indicative of your writing talent. You do have so much going for you!
I hope you take my suggestions as my sincere desire to help. If they aren't helpful to you, then I certainly don't want them to be hurtful. I honestly feel you have a good chance of standing at the podium with the first prize award!
Good luck.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2022