Comment from kiwisteveh

Excellent

An exciting adventure story in your usual dramatic style and, as you point out, with a strong moral to be taken from it.

The clever structure of internal and end rhyme worked well for the most part as did the meter - not perfect perhaps, but strong enough to carry the story.

Steve

 Comment Written 10-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014

Thanks, Steve, and I'm working diligently on my problem with iambic tetrameter and pentameter, flow and rhythm. I've learned that in poetry iambic pentameter has 5 iambic feet (10 syllables) per line, and iambic tetrameter has 4 feet (8 syllables), and it is considered poetic suicide to try and combine the two (which I do frequently). I've never written poetry until I came to FS, only prose.

I'm considering taking a class here at FanStory to help me learn. Any suggestions?

Comment from padumachitta

Excellent

Hello Dean! Super poem, like an epic of old. The meter is good, the poem is polished. You just write so well:-)

Ah, your notes...I agree to a point.
But working my day jobs means I hardly have time to write...I can not get high paying work...I am basically working poor.
So,getting paid for my writing would mean I would actually write more...it is a fine line...personally I do not want to be rich. But, making(even the same low standard of living I have now) from writing would be a happy, happy place to be.
I have not been able to write or even read reviews for over a week. It is not time management that is the problem...it is no time. So, even if I had a little income from what I love, oh joy. But, I write because I must, because a part of me dies when I do not.
Danny and the Black Bike are like a pressure, that never eases until I write.
Today after drinking my coffee and walking the dog(this for inspiration) I will write.
Oi vey, sorry for this review...it is more of a poor me...
Anyway, the poem is great and I loved the whole set up and theme.
Thanks, you made me want to get moving(I have been up since 4am for my job)...
Take care, keep writing,
padumachitta

 Comment Written 10-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014

Thanks pdu for such a detailed and wonderful review.

I'm not saying that money can't or shouldn't be a motivating factor for writing, only that it shouldn't be the primary reason we write. The pure, unadulterated love of writing, to enrich and perhaps even enlighten those who care enough to read our work -- those should be our reasons for writing.

reply by padumachitta on 10-Apr-2014

Yup...it is the joy of creation, of watching the magic appear...one can always write harlequins if you want money...me i'll stick to being poor and living my dream(somewhat:-)

thanks for writing back...it is nice to stay in touch.
off to teach ESL...have a good rest of the day eh,
padumachitta

Comment from faragon

Exceptional

This also makes me think that if you only pursue one thing solely it could end badly. The use of the descriptive words helped me to feel that I was actually out in the open sea.

 Comment Written 10-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

Thanks a million, faragon. I'm very grateful for your glowing review, and exceptional rating.

Comment from seaglass

Excellent

This has amazing graphics. The story poem, beautifully rhymed read like a song, a ballad. Like Fable or Parable there is a lesson at the end. I agree, greed is a monster.

 Comment Written 10-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

thank you, seaglass. I'm very glad that you enjoyed it, my friend.

Comment from rjuselius

Excellent

this is a brilliant piece of poetic art! the imagery is strong and powerful. love the twist in the end. and the message too.
thank you for sharing!
rebekka x

 Comment Written 10-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

I thank you for taking the time to read and review it for me, Rebekka. Much obliged!

Comment from Willowsong

Good

Fantastic imagery...based off of your notes, I can visualize how this can apply to any journey one takes within their life, ie: a job, relationship, friendship, hardship, etc. The drawing and gifs were an exceptional addition along with font choice. It truly brought your words to life. My only critique would be that I would have found it 5 star enjoyable had it been written with more slang as if a sailor were speaking. It was well written and grammatically accurate, though sometimes, breaking away from perfect English to add to the immersion is far better suited. Overall, I enjoyed it...Call me Ishmael! ;)

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 10-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014

Thanks, Willowsong, and I really appreciate your honesty and candor.

I've done that in the past -- written dialect into the poetry or prose to suit the narrator of the stories voice more aptly -- but I've found that the majority find it to be a distraction rather than a compliment to the piece.

I'm happy that the story entertained you overall, and I thank you for your review.

reply by Willowsong on 10-Apr-2014

I understand the difficulty of adhearing to the masses' opinions. Thank you for hearing me out and it was my absolute pleasure reading your work. I look forward to reading more in the future.

reply by the author on 10-Apr-2014

Thank you.

Comment from Spitfire

Exceptional

The metaphor is clear without your notes. An excellent story or fable with fantastic pictures. What a presentation!
excess has a way of causing bitter tears. - reminds me of Franklin's advice: everything in moderation.

No much solid philosophy in the last stanza. It would make for a thoughtful discussion.

 Comment Written 10-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

Whoa, a "sixer" from Spitfire! I'm going to print this out, then frame it, my friend!

I'm really glad that you enjoyed this one, Shari. You have made my week complete...

Comment from mfowler

Exceptional

Dean, you are getting to be the ancient mariner here. You get to tell the story of maritime loss after an epic voyage against the odds and the primitive fears of those on board. Your beautiful verse with its long lines in quatrains, gives the narrative an opportunity to be experienced in detail. The fight against storms, the fears of the men, the battle with the monster are all played out over the course of nine stanzas. Your presentation is immaculate as usual (where do you get those moving images?) and I must admit to getting a mild case of seasickness as I scrolled down the page. Great writing; but, what else have we come to expect? I don't give up my sixes lightly, si you can be assured that I liked this a lot.

 Comment Written 09-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014

Thanks so much for your complimentary comments and glowing review, Mark, my friend. I know and realize what an astute and conscientious reviewer you are. I also know they give us far too few six star ratings to pass on to those we review. So, for everyone who feels my work is good enough to rate so highly, I am very grateful for each and everyone I receive. Yours in no exception.

Thanks so much again!

Comment from Writingfundimension

Excellent

Excellent meter and rhyme in this offering, Dean. Your graphics always enhance the reading experience for me. What a great story-teller you are! Warm regards, Bev

 Comment Written 09-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Apr-2014

Thank you, Bev. Not on the philosophical level of a Christopher Sheldon, rama devi, or Rondeno, but I do try to tell a meaningful story with a good moral lesson behind it. Never been much of a free-verese guy like the one's I mentioned earlier. I prefer to tell stories that need little interpretation. The "non-thinking" mans' poet, lol...

Thanks again for your wonderful review and generous rating of five stars.

reply by Writingfundimension on 10-Apr-2014

You're most welcome, Dean. Always a pleasure. Bev

Comment from amada

Exceptional

Oh dear, what terrible tentacles coming out from the sea! I take it like a metaphor; are those tentacles our ropes and chains of greed? For sure, they can destroy a soul. This is such an inspiring work. Speechless.

 Comment Written 09-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 09-Apr-2014

You are very a perceptive young lady, amada. I had those ideas in mind, and it was one of my primary reasons for using a tentacled monster. Greed, gluttony, lust, sloth... you get the picture.

Thanks so much for reading into my poem precisely what I wanted the reader to take away from it. That means more to me than anything.